I picked out John's headstone today, it is very beautiful. It is red granite. Mom and Dad took me out to the cemetary to order it. I could not do it before now.
It seemed so weird to stand beside his grave with no stone, only clay mixed with mud covering him. I felt such a deep sadness and so lost. I could not quit crying for awhile. The coldness of the day just seemed to make my grief all the more bitter.
It seems like it is so hard to realize he is even gone.

Earlier in the day we went to a fabric store and I picked out material to make curtains for the front room. I am trying to keep busy. We ate lunch at a litle cafe across the street and I sat beside the window soaking in the sun.
It was a better day than yesterday, even though my days are filled with sadness .

Everyday it is a battle to move, to bath, to cook, to do normal things we all have to do. I hope it does get easier.

I just try to find something good out of everyday. I look for the bright spots that make the day a little easier. I also try to make bright spots for the kids.

We can make life easier for those around us I think if we try to at least keep some of our grief to ourselves. When I am alone I often cry. I can't help it, I do. It is then I am assailed with memories. Overcome with thoughts of him.

I wore his deodorant today, the one that he had at home before the accident. I held it in my hand and smelt it first. The lump in my throat hurt so bad I could barely breath.

I remembered him in the mornings taking showers and how I would peek my head in at him and watch him.
He would say, " What are you doing?"
I would say, " Watching a very good looking man taking a shower." And I laughed when he blushed.

Then I would watch him shave. He would wrap his towell around his waist and put the wash cloth in the sink and run very hot water. He then put a hot wash cloth on his face, and then lathered up. He would stick his lip out while he shaved around his mouth.

He shaved twice a day, because he always had a 5:00 o'clock shadow.
It is the small minute things we all take for granted that I miss more than anything.

It is the kindness and love, and good memories that I will remember.

~Nita~