A Dove made her home in a tree in my neighbor's yard last Spring. I took photos of her often. And everyday when I would walk the dogs I would look up at her with love and admiration.

For you see, she made my heart happy with her persistence. When storms would rage outside and winds would blow her around, she would cling even tighter to that nest. The nest looked so fragile to me..I was amazed to see that it hadn't fallen apart after every storm. But she clung to the nest in storms..Covering her eggs with her body.

I know, because I would watch her from my window...

In my heart I applauded her vigilance. Because day after day she sat upon her nest protecting her young. Leaving, only to find food for herself and then coming back quickly. And when the babies were born I watched her rear them. Tenderly feeding them.. And watched as she taught them to fly. I was almost as proud of them as she was when they found their wings..

I walked past where her nest had been today, and I looked up hopefully to see if maybe she had come back. But no..she had not returned to build there. I can't describe the intense longing I had to see her at that moment. And the intense sadness that I felt because she was not there.

I looked to my left, to my Mom's yard, to look at the large Oak tree that had tenderly cradled the red breasted Robin's nest last Spring. It lay empty too. My heart then felt unbearably heavy.. Where had all the birds gone that had comforted me last year with their beautiful songs and by their presence?

I feel helpless right now because I can't get Elizabeth into the specialist until the end of April. Our local doctor called today and wants her seen by someone in St. Louis because he is concerned about some of the blood tests that came back.

The next test is for Leukemia.. A test that involves her bone marrow being tested. It is quite painful..

Did you know that kids lose their medical cards when they turn 19? She lost hers the other day. Maybe they overlooked her for a few months. I kept praying they would overlook her for a long time.

She has pain everyday in her side over the enlarged spleen. It is pushing on her other organs..I pray for her every night because she lays in her bed and cries over the pain. It hurts so bad to watch my daughter cry and not know what to do. I hate it that they will make her wait until the end of April to see her. I don't know where to turn for help. I don't know what to do.

Please say a prayer for her, for me. She is all I have left of John, and I can't bear the thought of losing her. We just need prayers.. I know that God will take care of us. For He is good to us. Even now, in our darkest moments I will say He is good.

From yesterday's post: I know that I belong to my kids but it is different. I guess I should have worded that different. I am not part of a couple anymore.

xoxo Nita

Tonight's song, Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell
1st video, 1st clip


Note: They were not, going to able to get Elizabeth in to the specialist until the end of September but I begged them to get her in quicker because of her pain. But the end of April is still too long to have to wait. I am going to talk to someone Monday again and fight to get her in sooner. Everyone please say a prayer that they will get her in by this week. Elizabeth gets aggravated at me because she is afraid that they will get mad if I push for her to be seen earlier. But I don't care if they get aggravated, by God they need to do the right thing.

{ This first picture is of my Grand baby Chloe and Elizabeth is holding her}

We took off last Wednesday to perfect weather. My sister Jeannie drove us and we laughed and talked the whole trip while Elizabeth slept in the backseat.

It seems like since John passed Jeannie and I have gotten a lot closer. And that makes me happy. Everyone needs their family. Especially your sisters.


{This photo is of my son C.J. and the new baby boy Vance}

Vance is so beautiful ... He looks like his Daddy but his Mommy too.
I was so happy to be there to see him and Chloe.



While we were there we also toured the college Elizabeth will be going to this Fall. She will live 15 minutes from C.J and Tiffany. She is happy that she will be able to see the babies..
She still has medical tests that she has to go through. They have ruled out several things but still are not sure what is causing the enlarged spleen.



{ Elizabeth holding Vance}





{Tiffany holding Vance}










{Chloe on her swing set}





I was really sad after I came home. It started while we were there. I kept thinking how much John loved Chloe and how he would have loved seeing Vance. It just hurts not being able to talk to him. I miss that more than anything. He was so comforting. There is a lot going on right now and I am very overwhelmed. If we could find out what is going on with Elizabeth I would feel so relieved.

I write letters to John all the time. It probably sounds silly, but I do. Today I was so sad over him not being here that it took everything inside me to get up and move. Every changing of the Season affects me that way. It seems like he and I always had little traditions for each one. I don't belong to anyone now..That is hard. He was my person.
Bear with me..I am just hurting.

xoxo Nita