Iron and Wine - Boy With A Coin (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

Sometimes what appears to be ordinary is actually quite extraordinary..Yes?

xoxo Nita

Buckingham Nicks "Crystal"

I came home from work today and I treated her awful..

It was another bad day at work. More coaching people on how to do their job. More employee bickering. If I could, I would fire 50 percent of them, and start all over.

My assistant moved a month ago and his replacement got a better job at the last minute.So I have all the headaches until I find a replacement.

She was tending to her plants when I walked in..Watering them and pinching off the dead leaves. She always sings when she does this.

She was singing an old blues song, St. John's Infirmary, and she was clapping and and dancing between watering and pinching. Oblivious to my presence.

She turned around to me glaring at her. "For God's sake why don't you stop that racket? You aren't even singing it right!" I yelled.

She stopped in mid-air and burst into tears and ran into her studio.

I immediately felt awful. "Why did I do that to her?"

I knocked on her studio door. She said to me very calmly, "Please leave me alone for a few minutes. I am looking up the lyrics to St.John's Infirmary. Oh wait, I found it. And yes, I was singing it right!" She yelled through the door.

I started laughing and she did too.

She opened the door slightly and peeked out with one big green eye..She still had drops of tears down her face.

"I am so sorry...I had another horrible day at work and took it out on you. I had a lump in my throat. But knew the tears would never come. I continued, " You did nothing..It was all me."

She flung the door open and flew into my arms and kissed my face all over.

"I can't stay mad at you..I wish I could." She said between kisses.

I wrapped her wiggling body in my arms and she became still around me.

"Well, personally I am happy you can't stay mad at me. For my existence would be tortuous if you could.
I feel pretty lost right now having all the work thrust upon me. And slightly crazy."

She reached up and ran one finger down my jawline. I felt shivers go down my spine.

"It's ok," she said. Her lip trembling.

I said to her, "The stars are going to be brilliant this evening. Let's go your observatory and look at them through the telescope. And let me make love to you amongst the stars and heavenly bodies."

I knew she would love that..And I knew I would.

She smiled at me right then. And suddenly my world was alright.

And I love her...

Henri

The Diary of Henri

I would bleed to love her.
Henri

Counting Crows- Hangin' Around

I give myself permission to be happy..For the first time in a long time I feel free.
Yah!

love Nita

Forever Young by JOAN BAEZ

The fiery moments of a passionate experience are moments of wholeness and totality.
Anais Nin

Dionne Warwick I Say A Little Prayer 1967 Original Million Seller

"Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you."

Oscar Wilde {1854-1900}
Writer, Playwright

Thank you Colette ..

Diane Birch - Nothing But A Miracle

Another tune for you Laura Nyro fan ..Smiling softly..Diane Birch reminds me very much of Laura.. I hope you like her.

xo Nita

Laura Nyro I Am The Blues

There was a person who left a comment on a song I posted by Laura Nyro, Upstairs by a Chinese Lantern. You wrote about Joni Mitchell being influenced by LAURA...I never knew that. I thought Laura had been influenced by her. So I dedicate this song to you..
xo Nita

Dave Matthews Band - American Baby

The lyrics to this song are powerful. He talks about if these walls came tumbling down, how she could still make lemonade taste like a Summer day...

I get knocked down daily. I do. My Mom has a form of Dementia and she is often mean. Then she cries and apologizes.

My emotions feel like they are in a wind tunnel and they are getting blown a hundred miles an hour...Daily.

I am the brokest I have ever been. My car was repossessed this Summer. But I will praise God in this storm. Yesterday was one of the lowest days I have had in quite awhile.

We are out of everything...

I am writing this to encourage anybody else how is going through something like this.

But my faith is great. I say to these circumstances you will not defeat me! I will find joy in the sunrise and the sunset. I will find joy in this rain that is trying to beat me down. For we need the rain. So I will appreciate it instead of curse it.

I will thank God for what I do have instead of complaining about what I don't have.

I have 3 step-kids we are not sure what we will do for Christmas. I feel confident in God that He will provide.

And I put all my faith today that my life and circumstances will turn around. Because what we expect is what we get in life. I am turning my thinking around. I write down my blessings in the mornings. I write out confessions to speak out over my life and I do it.

You have nothing to lose by doing this. But have everything to gain. Expect life to be good..Expect blessings from God to come to you..Expect favor everywhere you go. I do.

The physical is often hard to battle. Yesterday I was dwelling in the physical and not in the spirit. And it tore me down. I thought about all that surrounds me and I felt like giving up.

I was sitting on the floor by my bed crying..And praying. And I asked God to give me hope. I opened the Bible to Isaiah 35 and I began to read about heaven and how all of our sorrows would be wiped away. It gave me the courage to go get a bath and turn my day around.

Before that I was dwelling on my circumstances. I was thinking, I hate everything right now. I guess we all feel that way sometimes.

I have lived through many hard times and when I walk by faith instead of sight I know in my heart I can make it.

I wasn't going to write this today but I felt compelled.

Take a step with me today. Let's praise God for what He is going to bring us instead of complaining..Let us be different than others that surround us..

Let's make lemonade taste like a Summer day..Today.

love Nita

India Arie - Heart of the matter + Umbrella

From the book, Your Best Life Now
7 Steps To Living At Your Full Potential
by Joel Osteen

You must look through your "eyes of faith" and start seeing yourself as happy, healthy, and whole. That means even when your situation looks bleak, when you're tempted to be discouraged or depressed, you must encourage yourself by praying, "God, I know that You are in control, and even though my situation looks impossible, I know today could be the day that things turn around. "


{I will encourage myself today..And I hope anyone else who is battling depression or just life in general..I hope this encourages you..}

love Nita

George Michael - I Can't Make You Love Me

For the last 2 weeks I have been in this terrible slump. I am fighting sadness today. The pills only help so much. Smiling softly..

I feel broken in so many ways...But I am trying to get whole.

When I was in the park one day I saw this little old lady feeding the birds. I was sitting in the car smoking a cigarette and thinking..Just thinking.

She began to cry as she was feeding them. I debated on what to do. She was about 10 feet away from me..

I got out of my car and asked her if she minded if I sat by her. She hurriedly wiped her tears away with her sleeve. She told me I could.

I told her I couldn't help but notice her crying and I asked her if there was anything I could do..She smiled at me then. A smile born of brokenness and being alone in the world. And my heart broke for her.

She said, "How about talking to me for a few minutes? That would be so nice. I haven't talked to a real human for 2 weeks." And she began to cry again. I put my arm around her and we sat silently for a few minutes.

She began, "I only have my cat and my birds I feed everyday..He is good company we watch TV together. And he meows while I sing." She laughed a soft laugh.. "My family is grown and gone. And I have always been afraid to be close to people..So here I sit alone." She smiled again.

The little old lady was me in 20 years...I imagined it all. If I don't change and give people a chance.

What if I get hurt? We all get hurt. But what if something great happens and I make friends and I get out of this shell I have been in all these years? I want to..So bad. I will. I have so much to give. I will not be that little old lady in the park crying and feeding the birds with my cat for my only company.

I will try...

love Nita

p.s one reason i have been terribly sad is i lost my camera a few weeks ago..we ate out and i left it there and went back to get it and it was gone. taking photos makes me happier than almost anything..

Lauryn Hill - A Change Is Gonna Come

And I can't leave the great Lauryn Hill out...


A quote I borrowed....
Every great journey begins with a single step.

So believe with me for 2012 to be better for us all..I have great hope for my days and minutes and moments to be better..I believe I will prosper greatly this coming year. And I will be restored.

love Nita

p.s. Hope you all enjoy the different versions of this song. It is very special to me. It saved my life once.

Gavin DeGraw - Change is Going to Come

OTTIS REDDING - A CHANGE GONNA COME

Ottis Redding's version is my favorite of this song ..But Gavin Degraw does a fine job..And of course there is nothing bad you could ever say about Sam Cooke.

A Change Is Gonna Come, Sam Cooke, 1963

Eva Cassidy-Songbird

Last song for the night...May my music speak for me...love nita

LOUIS ARMSTRONG ~ When You`re Smilin`~

Mom always sang this song to us..It always made me cry. Because she was so sad when she sang it..Smiling softly and sadly

Shelby Lynne - If I Were Smart

A song about feeling too much...It is beautiful

I love her even more because of her drunkenness. I have a soft spot for drunks..

Sparklehorse More Yellow Brids

Surviving meant being born over and over...

Erica Jong

[HD] Bat For Lashes - Siren Song (Live Shepherds Bush Empire 2009)

are you my family? can i stay with you awhile.... (these lyrics touch me so much) i have felt them, often

Bat For Lashes - Daniel

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside you.

Zora Neale Hurston

It took so long to put the light back in my eyes....

Ocean Breathes Salty - Sun Kil Moon

One of the greatest songs I have ever heard..It says don't waste life. I want to live every moment to the fullest...If God allows me too..Even in my sorrow and trials I bless Him for all of my experiences I have had on this earth.

Hope you all like it

love Nita

The Diary of Henri

The first part of my day was lousy. So many headaches were before me as soon as I walked in the door at work. Half of the people who work for me are idiots. They have been trained to do their job but come to me on a daily asking for help. And there are the others who don't play well with others. It is frustrating.

Things are going to change. People are going to get fired and replaced with people who can do their work and get along with other people.

She picks me up for lunch and has on a t-shirt that says "Have a cupcake and save the world one smile at a time." I laugh out loud.

And she smiles the smile I love...My favorite smile. The one that makes her look like a child.

And I immediately feel sad.....Why do I have to come back to work? I wish I could just reside in her warmth all day.

She says, "Get in silly the rain is going to wash you away." And I get into her beat up Volkswagen.
It use to be red. Now it is just rust colored.

"I am buying you a new car." I say with a sideways grin.

"No you aren't!" She says indignantly. "I love my bug"

"Then please let me pay for a paint job for this ugly little beast." I ask imploringly.

"I could go for that." She smiles.

"So what's for lunch today." I ask her.

"Open the bag now and eat now." She orders. "There is a peanut butter sandwich and a juice box. Sorry we were out of pop. And be grateful it was my last juice box." She says all of this in one steady stream.

"OK what's the rush?" I ask her amused.

"We are going to the planetarium for a half hour show on the planets. And we will sit in the back row and kiss. And sometimes watch the show between kisses." She smiles and lights the sun up in my world.

How can I say no? I swallow the lump in my throat because she makes me feel like I am 13 again.

The show was marvelous but Her kisses are what I remember most.

And I love her....

Henri
December 13, 2011

(a work of fiction)

by Nita Zimmerman- Skibinski @2011

The Diary of Henri

   She is the moon to my night sky.

She is the only one that makes me feel whole.

And when she walks into a room..I smell her hair on the cool night  breeze. It smells of tangerines.

I take her in and I want her every caress..I notice her eyes. Because she always looks down when she walks..She doesn't want anyone to see her pain, she told me.

I want to touch her but I wait...

She dresses in clothes that would look good on no one but her. Flannel shirts over her blue jean dress..Her hair pulled back in multicolored rags. She takes my breath away.

And at times when she walks through the room she will have her sheer green nightdress on..The on that falls off  her creamy shoulders. And once again I remember why I fell in love with her.

She doesn't know I keep a diary..All about her.

I can't tell her. My love is great but I cannot let it show. She has been hurt. But so have I.

My heart ripped out with a wound so deep I can hardly breath most days.

At night I watch her sleep before I drift off, and I pray for her..Her nightmares are nightly. Fighting off some unknown assailant from her past. And at that time I want to time travel and beat down all the people who have ever hurt her..She never sees me cry. But when she is asleep I do. Not to manly to admit, I guess. But my tears for her are real. They are out of my need for us both to be whole. To be free.

When I feel like I have no heart..She warms it and reminds me, yes I do.

And I worry..Will I lose her to death? Will she someday become to tired of fighting that she finally does it?

Oh God, I pray she does not. I need her, I need her.

She has loved me more than anyone I have ever known. She does not ask me for things..But I want to give to her. My heart, my soul, my spirit, my life. But I can't say it. The words are frozen in my throat like blocks of ice. I can barely tell her she is pretty..It is my pride.

What if I do tell her..And she sees that as power over me? I was raised to keep everything in..Pain, Heartbreak, passion, Love.

                                            Henri

(a work of fiction)

by Nita Zimmerman - Skibinski

Will Johnson - Just To Know What You've Been Dreaming

I would walk a 1,000 miles just to know what you've been dreaming..And I would steal a 1,000 smiles just to make sure that you're laughing.....I would

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole

Mom is worse everyday..Dementia started setting in a few years ago. She is not diagnosed, but Grandma had it, and she has begun to act just like her.

My world is sad so often because of her gradual decline. She cussed me out today..This morning..And my heart felt like it was in a vise..I felt like a bird with a knot in my throat. And I cried...And I cried. So many tears.

I remembered her when I was little..Her mind sharp. She was working in the garden. And I stood at the window and watched her. I loved her pink shirt and her blue shorts. She looked so much younger than her actual age.

And I loved her..I still love her. But things are different now. She cries to me. "I am losing my mind."

And I say, "No Mom you aren't." But I know she is..Sorrow is like this wind tunnel that blows over me 1,000 miles an hour.

I wake everyday and I pray for her..God please let her have peace now. Let her be happy. For she has never really had the chance to be very happy.

Melancholy has wiped me out today. It has a temporary hold for a while.

I am working on the house and trying not to think about it too much. Because tomorrow is a new day.

love Nita

Stevie Nicks - Bella Donna

Coming out of the darkness...Smiling softly

Laura Story - Blessings

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure which is: Try to please everyone.

Herbert Bayard Swope

I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life
by conscious endeavor.

Thoreau

The more the marble wastes, the more the statue grows.

Michelangelo

Mirth is like
a flash of lighting,
that breaks through
a gloom of clouds,
and glitters for a moment;
cheerfulness keeps up
a kind of daylight in the mind,
and fills it with a steady
and perpetual serenity.

Joseph Addison

Light seeking light
doth light beguile.

Shakespeare

Neither a lofty degree
of intelligence
nor imagination nor both together
go to the making of genius.
Love, love, love,
that is the soul of genius.

Mozart

You see things;
and you say, "Why?"
But I dream things
and I say, "Why not?"

George Bernard Shaw

Just trust yourself,
then you will know
how to live.

Goethe

Action is the antidote
to despair.

Joan Baez

Melody Gardot - Love Me Like A River Does

I am going to start selling books for altered art within the next three weeks. And selling my jewelry. I have a lot of supplies. I have been scared to..But my stuff is good. Will keep you all posted. I am feeling more courageous. Thank you to whom ever prays me..I feel it.

love Nita

B.o.B - Nothin' On You [feat. Bruno Mars] (Video)

This song makes me happy..I feel better today. I feel more hopeful. A friend gave me some great ideas yesterday. And I am going to explore them. Started writing a plan out last night.

Love Nita

Aqualung - Brighter Than Sunshine

I love, love, love this song...It makes me feel what it is like falling in love..again

Mixed Media with Suzi Blu: Butterfly

Awesome...

Mixed Media with Suzi Blu

Suzi Blu is a creative genius...And funny

STEVIE NICKS Has anyone ever written LIVE at RED ROCKS

And the rain falls down and there is no pain and no sound...

Visual Journalism 101 Tutorial

Beth Orton

Woke up crying..

Things are so tough. I have no furnace..Just 2 space heaters..Applied for one. Pray for me that I get one. It is fixing to turn really cold.

On a bright note my orchard bloomed and it is beautiful..It has made my whole week. When I walk past it I feel so happy and it makes me feel less chilled. Smiling softly and sadly.

Love Nita

P.s If anyone is going through a rough time right now like me..Don't give up..Things will be brighter..Someday

Donny Hathaway - A Song For You

Just listening to this as I clean..Wouldn't it be wonderful if someone sang this to you..Just you?

Ben Harper - In Your Eyes

I remember there were days I was so lonely I tied notes to tumbleweeds and sent them off on the wind. Like Evie in Conagher ..The book by Louis la'More.

Some days. even now I feel that way. I feel alone.

I feel as if I am choking on the things I can't seem to change, and I lay prostrate on the floor and beg God not to leave me...I pray He helps me to have the strength I need to change. I want to so bad..To change.

I have lost my words lately..My ability to write stories. And I grieve for that.

And I grieve over this computer..I can't leave comments on any one's site. And I feel as I am always in a one sided conversation.

And often I feel so weak. I am ashamed to admit that. And I feel like the worst sinner in the world. I cuss and smoke cigarettes and tell dirty jokes sometimes.

Gotta clean the house. I don't know if anyone is reading this..But if you are thanks.

love Nita

Jolie Holland - Mexican Blue (fan video)

If I could go anywhere today..
It would be with you

I would happily clean the toilet with you. Watch boring football games..And soak in the warmth of you.Thank God you can't stand sports.

I would walk to a neighboring state with you and trade you shoes if yours got wet

My coat would reside with you if you got cold

And if you cried..I would cry too

Watching you sleep with your hand curled into a small fist makes my heart beat with love

And if your ship went down in the middle of the ocean and we had no lifeboat I would spend my time listening to whatever you had to say

And when the waves took us over I would whisper in your ear

I love You

Nita- Barrow Zimmerman Skibinski
@December 4, 2011

Me singing River, by Joni Mitchell

I woke to the smell of coffee and tangerines..And this song was playing in my head. It is almost Christmas. And the grey skies swirl about me like ghosts with their sheer sadness.

Today I will only allow myself a small time to grieve for what I can't change. And then I will change what I can.

Even though it is grey and and raining I will make the house bright with lights..Soft lights.

And I will make something good to eat. Like toast with plum jelly.

love Nita

Janis Joplin - Little Girl Blue (This is Tom Jones, 1969)

My last song for today. I hope you guys like them. The music is kinda speaking for me today..Smiling softly

love nita

Jessie Baylin - Leave Your Mark

This song haunts me..

Joe Purdy - Why You (HQ)

Why you always being so mean...

Meg Hutchinson - Seeing Stars

I listen to this and dream of living on a houseboat...Just a small one would be cool

Thank You (Real to Reel 2007)

Another great cover..

Lemongrass - A Journey To A Star

wonderful..

smoke city - imagine

A good cover of John Lennon's Imagine..Mellow

Joseph Arthur - In The Sun

When you showed me myself..You know I became someone else

Love Is Everything - KD Lang (Max Sessions)

Love can make us climb mountains..It can give us the courage to conquer things we just can't seem to conquer on our own.

When someone is truly in love with you, they think of you first. Both partners should always put the other one first. Think of their feelings. Help them achieve their goals. Work towards the same purpose

I was this little kid, who had no one, to truly be there, for me everyday. And someone could have beat me and yelled at me, but I would not cry. I was beaten if I did cry..

But when my fourth grade teacher showed me love. A dam burst, and the tears wouldn't stop. She asked me why I cried. I told her because I truly felt loved, and not just in everybodies way.

And I felt love for the first time with no expectations.

She then cried. So to me, yes, love is everything.

xoxo nita

Jon B. Don't Say

i love this..

Morcheeba - Rome Wasn't Built In A Day

one fine day....

Stardust - Music sounds better with you (miami horror remix)

dance....

Estate - Let Her Know

A faithful friend is the medicine of life.

Ecclesiastes

Tears For Fears - Woman In Chains ft. Oleta Adams

Since yesterday afternoon it has been terrible. But I am trying very hard to put faith in my heart, I must say God is good all the time. Whether we realize it or not. He is..

I cry as I write this because my soul is in torment at this moment. I just want the struggle not to be so hard. I need a break from all this madness.

Great men
are they who see
that spiritual is stronger
than any material force,
that thoughts rule the world.
Emerson

My prayer for today is this:

Let me be an instrument of peace. Let me see the sorrow of others so I may comfort them in their hour of need. Let faith rise up in my like a very strong tower. And may everyone else who is struggling with sorrow today be helped by the Lord..

Love Nita

Julie London - Bye Bye Blackbird

I imagine me dancing slowly with you in a smoky little bar in a foreign land to this tune.. You slip your arms about me tenderly. And I am hoping every emotion isn't showing on my face. For so often it does.

You are dressed in a black pin stripped suit. With wonderfully made shoes from Italy, that fit your feet so well. I have on a red dress. My hair is put up in an updo..With a silver comb in a French twist.

You run your thumbs down my cheeks and lift my face to meet yours..And you kiss me slowly.

There are no worries about money or how we are going to get this or that. We just are pleasantly in love and peaceful.

And you say, "Love isn't about leaving it is about weathering each and every storm with each other. It is me and you holding hands while we walk down the sidewalk. It is picking up little presents for each other. Like I know you love cherry chocolates that is why I bring you one everyday. It is you always having tea made for me because I love it. It isn't always rainbows and butterflies..But it is the feeling that it could be."

And I look up at you and smile. The smile I reserve for those I truly love..

xoxo Nita

for: Jim

"I'm Movin' On" - Rascal Flatts Official Music Video

"I have dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons..Finally content with a past I regret. I have found you find strength in your moments of weakness. For once I am at peace with myself. I have been burdened by blame. Trapped in the past for too long. I'm moving on.."

The lyrics to this song are powerful..

I myself, have lived in the past for too long. That has been me. Feeling regret for every mistake I made with my kids. Regret for when I should have been patient and was not. Regret for not being able to understand John many times.

Our past can trap us, just like a physical obstacle can stop us physically.

I have loved like I should. But lived like I shouldn't. That has been me..

But I am moving on...

I am getting rid of stuff I should have gotten rid of along time ago. Stuff I have held onto that had memories ...

But than I became a hoarder. Do you know why people become hoarders? Because it is so hard to let go of people. I kept all my kid's school papers that had A's and some that didn't so they could see that making aB or C was OK. As long as they were trying.

I cleaned them out this week. I saved only a few from each grade and gave them to each child. Then burnt the rest. I still had John's clothes..I am taking them to the Salvation Army. Someone could use those. I am taking extra dishes to the Salvation Army too. Someone could use those too. The extra blankets are going to people who could use them. I have one person picked out to give some too. She has three little kids.

But possessions are just material things. The memories are within us. They won't leave. Even when people get old memories come back to them..The best ones. Have you ever noticed that?

I am going to organize the rest of my stuff...When I was a teenager I was very organized. I think people become hoarders also, because they just don't know what to do with the stuff. Elizabeth has moved back home and is helping me. She had some terrible experiences where she moved and came back.

She cried because she felt like she failed. I told her no you did not fail. You will be able to do the things you want to do. Just build yourself up and then do them.

I have always been told that failure is success turned inside out. I have failed so many times. But I don't give up. I pick myself up and I start over again.

It has been hard to admit I am a hoarder. Because you always see the people on TV where they find dead cats under their stuff that is not me. But I have found weird things. LoL

I encourage you today if you have something hard to face, don't beat yourself up. Please don't. Just face it with a brave heart. Because you can do it. I believe that with my whole heart.

love Nita

Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes (1986)

A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart.

Kathleen Grove

You never
know what you can do till you try.

English proverb


You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

The butterfly counts
not months
but moments,
and has time enough.

-Rabindranath Tagore

Use what talent you posses: the woods would be very silent if no birds except those that sang best.

-Henry Van Dyke

For my friend Robin....Thank you so much for all the love you ever showed me..Love Nita

Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over Lyrics

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

E.M. Forster

I want to thank everyone who has left comments. I cannot leave comments yet. This dino is not letting me..

I have a friend who is going to fix a new computer for me. Hopefully this week. So ladies and gentleman I will leave comments on your sites as soon as I can. A special thank you to Donna and Prairie Man. I like Nickleback as well. I love music it goes with my everyday. I cannot forget Dawn from The Feathered Nest..I tried leaving comments for many people. I could not, I am so frustrated. And Dawn thank you for being happy I am back.

xoxo Nita

Aerosmith - Dream On Official Music Video

I remember we were driving down Brookside Avenue..It was Summer and the air was heavy and filled with the smell of honeysuckle..and death.

Mom looked over and said there was animal laying on the vines..A doe. And I got a lump in my throat ..

She said there was no worse smell than the sticky sweetness of honeysuckle and death.

Dream on by Aerosmith was on the radio. I looked at Mom and the sun was shinning brightly on her red hair..Actually it was more of a deep auburn and it looked like a shiny penny.

I had been reading a book of poetry by Sylvia Plath but I sat it on my knee..

I began to think many things. I thought about the lyrics of the song playing

"Every time that I look in the mirror all these lines on my getting clearer." And I suddenly felt quite sad.

Why was there death? Why was there so much sadness in our lives that we just couldn't seem to escape from?

And I thought about good things like Community Beach..It was a little haven for my brother, sisters and I.

An old black man ran it. His weathered face would light up as soon as he saw the kids walking to the beach. His wrinkled hands and kind eyes were what I remembered most.

The little beach was full of happy kids, or maybe they were sad like us, who was just happy there.

to be continued...

Her Morning Elegance / Oren Lavie

"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations."

Chuck Swindal Writer, Clergyman

Coldplay - Paradise

When I was a girl...I dreamed of a better place. I wanted to be like the Little Princess who had someone crawl through my window and bring me new clothes and warm blankets and toys.

I guess I lived in somewhat of a fantasy land just to get through.

This week I was thinking of what I was most grateful for..It is God. He has been my source of comfort through all this hell.
He has been my source of comfort.

There have been many times I have been so low the thought of death was my only solace. To be in Paradise..

I am grateful for every minute I have on earth though.. I want to see my life turned around. This is my 5Th week in counseling. I feel like I have came far.

Life is still so hard. But I am taking it minute by minute instead of day by day.

The toughest lesson I have learned is that God should always be first in my life.

There have been so many things that I put over Him.

I don't want to do that anymore.

Happy Thanksgiving weekend everyone...

love nita

Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy Lyrics

Things don't always turn out the way we want..but i have been told running away isn't that answer...

Gin Blossoms - Found Out About You

Tonic - If You Could Only See

Duncan Sheik - Barely Breathing (with lyrics)

Lisa Loeb - Stay (I Missed You)

Better Than Ezra - Desperately Wanting

This song helped me through a summer 3 years ago...

Alison Krauss & Robert Plant : Killing The Blues (Live)

Coldplay - Violet Hill

Coldplay - The Scientist

Nobody said it was easy..No one ever said it would be this hard

For The Widows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti

1 more for you...love nita

Sufjan Stevens-To Be Alone With You

A wonderful artist from Chicago, Illinois

Collect Call - Metric

i like the words...

Angel Taylor - Chai Tea Latte

Such a talented young lady...

Sade - Soldier Of Love

She is timeless..

India.Arie - Video

This is me...smile

India.Arie - The Truth

She is an artist I could never tire of...ever

Madonna - Papa Don't Preach

My favorite Madonna song

Use Somebody - Kings Of Leon - Cover by ortoPilot

I love this version of this. Ortopilot is awesome.. Hope you like.

Fleet Foxes - Tiger Mountain Peasant Song (Cover)

My last song for today...This is all my Thanksgiving music to listen to alone..Sorry for the spelling on my last few posts..It is hard to see through tears...Smiling softly


love nita

Tears For Fears - Woman In Chains ft. Oleta Adams

I feel this way so often...I am fighting and fighting to be the woman with no chains..

Richard Hawley - For Your Lover, Give Some Time

Time with those you love means everything..Nothing is more important, to me..

Seal - Love's Divine (Video)

Then the rainstorm come over me..And I felt my spirit break..

I realized my mistake...Time threw a prayer to me..And I tied a knot in the rope and begged my maker not to let me go

Cowboy Junkies - Sweet Jane

Just a great song..

Staind - It's Been Awhile (Video)

I feel it....

Upstairs By A Chinese Lamp - Laura Nyro

Music I am listening to this week..

Laura Nyro is so talented..She kinda reminds me of Joni Mitchell

Adam Lambert - Whataya Want From Me

It is 2 days before Thanksgiving..And the rain pouring here today feels like the rain in my heart..Maybe I am a freak..Like I feel like I don't think like everybody. I feel like I am this girl who walks around with my heart on the outside of my shirt for all the world to see..I share my soul..Maybe my soul is not worth seeing..But somehow I can't make myself believe that.

Turmoil has been a part of my existence since childhood...

I have learned to deal with by: Sitting in my favorite chair and listening to old albums on an even older record player..It is like going back in the past. When all of us kids loved each other..When my sister Jody was alive..And my brother Buddy was too.

Mom did not mean to, but each holiday after Jody was killed in a car wreck she broke down at dinner..Thanksgiving dinner. And at Christmas dinner as well. I learned to hate the holidays because they were so desperately sad. My soul began to be turmoil a week before each holiday..When I was alone I would recall the wreck..Mom crawling in the snow to Ola's house. Our adopted grandma.

I remembered falling to my knees when we found out Jody was dead.

Death is so very final...

I loved her so much. She was trying to make me tough..Because she was afraid I wouldn't make it in this world with my soft heart.

Buddy...He made everyday fun..The day he died we going the country way to the hospital and this huge band of wild turkeys crossed in front of us..In the rain..The rain always makes me sad, except for in Summer.

I was a child who always sat back and watched everyone around me. Just soaking in the fact that even though I was the one who sat in my room for hours reading and listening to music most people didn't..They loved me for my differences. For my eccentricities.

This year I am trying with all my might not to be sad. I am going to make new traditions..I am going to bury the bad things.And cry the day before Thanksgiving and get it out,

And with all my heart I am wishing you all a lovely holiday..

love nita

Who I am (Rosemary's Grandaughter) lyrics

For my daughter Elizabeth.....Whom I love with my whole heart


My daughter Elizabeth is tough. She is a hard worker. She is loving and kind.

2 horrible things have happened to her within the space of 1 week. She wrecked her car. Someone ran into her and left the scene. Last night someone stole her purse.

Her friends and her were at the show and put their purses in the trunk. When the came out the trunk had been popped and their belongings were gone.

She had called me 10  times but my phone was in my coat across the room. That was at 2:00 a.m

I suddenly woke up at 3:00 a.m terrified. I looked for my phone and ran to the bed. I looked at the caller id and saw her calls.

I phoned immediately. She was crying so hard I could barely understand her.....

This is the same little girl who did her Dad's meds for him weekly. She didn't have to do it. She could have said no. But she didn't.

The same girl who has worked since she was 16. Often having 2 jobs.

She has watched out for me. I have watched out for her. I am her biggest fan.

Because Elizabeth, you a strong powerful woman, who with God's help, always figures your situation out...

We go there terrible times of trial sweetheart. But they don't last forever.

But always let it make you stronger.

In my despair, I have wanted to sit on the floor like Job. In sack cloth and ashes..Crying to God why did you let me be born.

And God calmed my heart. I am a sinner but I do love God. And He understands our frailties Sis. He knows we are made from dust.

In those times I would open the Bible and just randomly read it. It is always comforting to me.

Read Psalm 23 and Psalm 91, remember when I had my surgery? Those were the only two things I wanted to hear.

Be strong dear daughter. Be strong. Cry when you need to..And then pick yourself up. Because I know God will make it better..

I love you Elizabeth, Mommie

Ryan Adams - If I'm A Stranger.wmv

Been a rare mood today..Just been thinking all day.

"For all the hours here that move to slow..There is all this losing here that just won't pass.

If all this love is real how will we know?

"If I am a stranger know to you..I will always be."

Some of the lyrics of this song..I feel this way.

Uncertainty has always been such a huge part of my life. But I am learning to make somethimg special happen everyday. And appreciating the little moments of joy and creativity. I have learned that each person in my life is only here with me for a season..

I am learning that in our ever changing world, beauty in the everyday, is as simple as a freshly made loaf of bread. It is a huge pot of soup when it is so cold outside I don't want to leave my home. It is window gardens in Winter. It is the love of those around me.

See ya...

xoxo Nita

Ryan Adams Wonderwall (Lyrics in Description).

I am a little discouraged by the slow computer and the crashes. But I will be grateful for what I have. Been thinking a lot today. But not enough to make a post....

When I first heard this song. I cried. It touched me so much. I thought about it for a week.

Such love...And maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me....

xo nita

I've Been Thinking by Handsome Boy Modeling School

This song is reminiscent, to me..Of a song from the 60's . Just the feel of it.

Computer has been off most of day. Writing a post tonight for tomorrow.

I have a bunch of good music for tonight.

love nita

Dave Matthews Band - American Baby

Stone Sour - Through Glass

I just feel this song...at times

Robert Pattinson Never Think OFFICIAL lyrics

I can't wait for the new movie! I know I am such a girl.

This song blew me away from Twilight. All his music blew me really.

Hope you all like it.

XOXO nITA

Foster The People - Pumped Up Kicks

My favorite song right now...I just like it..

xoxo Nita

I am so happy I have my music back!

Excuse the small advertisement..It is worth the wait

"Ohio" Music Video

I figured out how to add videos..I love this song.

This guy is not well known but I hope you guys like it. I am working leaving comments on other's sites..

Love Nita

Adele - Someone Like You

Things I have Seen and Felt Today....


1. Bird nests in the hollows of tree arms..The only clothing they possess are the brown branches

2. A gorgeous, blue tin roof, startling the grey, grey sky ...this morning

3. My mint plants flourishing by the side of my walk...Reaching out and wanting to stay all winter..To keep the green of Spring alive in my heart..Too soon it will get cold and they will turn light brown...My heart will be sad that day.

4. The color of my lover's eyes..The bluest blue mixed with green..like mine
And when he laughs it warms me from my head to my toes..I am ..Still mixed with sadness...Why? I often think about when we pass from one place to another..What impact will I have left with him? I hope good.

5. I have felt utterly sad all morning..Worries I have for my children. Worries about so many things. In my heart I know it will all work out as God plans. I put my trust in Him.

6. I have felt tremendous Love for God today. He knows my heart so well. Even though I have had hard times. I am still blessed just for being able to behold the beautiful things I see. The biggest blessings can come from the smallest things.
I revel in smelling my tea as it brews in my cup..The essence of tangerine floats on my face..It is Peaceful

7. When I find rocks shaped like hearts..That makes my whole day..really

8. I have learned that crying isn't so bad alone..It is better. I have learned then, to put aside my grief and be happy the rest of the day..Even if I have to pretend the rest of the day.

Gotta go...love Nita


P.s Been listening to Jo Hamilton- There it is all morning..
Listen if you like. You-tube icon is towards the middle of this page

I saw a sunset the other day. It reminded of being in love with someone . How it is a muddled pool of beauty..Mixed with pain.

We are never sure of ourselves...The women I am in therapy with.. A friend was admitted yesterday...I can't and won't say her name.

Mom said, "That isn't gonna be you is it ? You don't feel that way do you?" And it hurt so much.

I don't have a plan. I don't want to kill myself..Anymore.

I just want to learn how to handle my triggers and how to have a real relationship with people.

Being a hermit so long has not been easy. Social Anxiety is awful..I do better than most people who have this, I have been told.
I will go places..The store..A friend's house..church..I am building my way up. It is the most I can do for now.

But so many days I feel my best is never enough..It is a learned response.

I will kill that damn feeling. I will.

My song for the day is :Wichita by Gary Jules

And I hope my honesty will help someone who might be going through what I am going through.

love nita

For some reason this computer will not let me leave comments on other people's sites..But, I will leave you a comment on my posts. I don't know how to put photos on this dinosaur yet. But I am going to describe to you some things I have been seeing. Like yesterday, I saw clouds that were of the sheerest pinks and the softest blues..The clouds looked like floating cotton candy...Unusually beautiful.

Today I am going to try hard to fight this sadness. I forgot to take my medicine when I woke up. That affects me..Note to self: Don't forget medicine in mornings..Smiling softly.
oxox Nita


Song for today: You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

There is a You-Tube Icon by my Profile near center of page. The Kings of Leon has one on front..If you wish to listen to any of my songs.

My first sentence is this:

I want a happy life....

I pray that I will experience that for once. ...

Everyday I do feel flashes of happiness, sometimes for hours..And sometimes days. The last two have been wonderful.

But then some days I am over run with sorrow.....For many different reasons. It isn't just one.

There are some songs I want you to listen to today. The first song is: Tangerine by First Aide Kit.

I can't run YouTube on this dinosaur..EEK . must try to get upgraded soon!

But the lyrics touch me deeply..Cause it is me. She sings, "I won't beg..Just please, please, please be good to me."

I have always hid behind anger
when I was hurt.....

Instead of showing tragedy upon my face..

I am learning not to do that.

I feel alone so often ....

When I pass a cemetery I think of all the people who have died feeling utterly alone.

And I think: "I would have been your friend..Well except for the super dooper creepy ones..He He."

My heart feels like a battlefield. where great many tragedies have occurred. {commercial interruption} The next song you should listen to is by Parachute - She is love.. If you really want to know my heart..It is on my second page.

Some days I feel so much pain I can barely breath.

The medicine only helps so much....Smiling softly.

I try hard not to cry in front of others..Least I annoy them.So I cry alone letting the burdens of life flow over my cheeks.

Kinda like right now

There is a relief for me when I cry.

I unburden my sorrow for the bedroom walls to see to hear to feel. I tell the sorrow to please flee before he gets home.


A guy in my group therapy said to me one day, " I feel your sorrow so intensely that I can't take it."

And my heart broke in two. I didn't know it was so evident...

But I feel like he does. Every person, I am around, I feel their anger. I feel their disdain for other people.

Like the people who collect money on the corners for charity..They get those looks. And so do the mentally handicapped when someone takes them in public. And I want to cry. They didn't ask to be that way. No one asks to be the scourge of the world willingly..Maybe a saint.

When people are taunted for their weakness I believe the Lord gives them extra grace and mercy.

I grieve for the blindness of mean people.


Love is the answer. I may sound like a hippy. But it is true. Tolerance. But I am wise enough to know the whole world won't change.

My compassion is great...

That's another reason I hide.


Commercial break folks....{Go to my third page} There is a song by Feist- I feel it all...Listen to it.


I fight my sadness with humor.

I have been known to make people pee their pants. I am that funny..

I fight it by creating.

I try hard to think about others.

Instead of thinking just about me.

Depression is a savage thing. When we need people the most. That is when we don't want others..The pain is just too hard to handle.

I can't bear another persons pain; as well as my own on those days. I can't bear to feel their anguish cause their loved one is dying, I don't want to hear the girl at therapy talk about how her life is ending. Because some days I feel the same way..You know?

I fight it by answering my phone more.

There have been people who have called me and I didn't answer the phone ...I couldn't bear to talk at that moment. It wasn't because I don't like them. I just couldn't.

I am learning about distorted thinking in consoling. The kind that becomes part of you. Because of the way you have grown up ..Thinking junk that was totally screwed up. I took a long look at myself..And I thought, " I wish I could have known this when I was 15 and needed help ...."I was so overwhelmed with my home life. Being drug to taverns and eating a hamburgers on Easter at the bar.. Him beating us and her."

I was a highly intelligent child. With no direction. I made straight A's ..It did not matter. To them.

I know there are so many people who feel like I do. I am encouraging you to try counseling. It is helping me.

I better let you all go...


love Nita


P.s Letter to a John by Ani Defranco

Last song. It is on my 4th or 5th page..

All these songs you will be listening to.... Speak for me...When I can't speak for myself.

I have a computer again. It is very old. But it works. I need to get some things fixed on it but I am very happy to be able to communicate with everyone again..

I started consoling 3 weeks ago. I am learning a lot about myself. It is painful. But in the long run I know it is going to help me.

Please pray for Elizabeth she had a wreck and totaled her car yesterday, and she is living out of town. I feel helpless. She called me yesterday crying her eyes out..I prayed for her immediately. She sent me a text telling me she loved me last night at 11:00 pm. I was asleep already, but sent her a text as soon as I woke up telling her I love her too.

Life is hard..We just have to hold on when things are so tough we feel we can't make it, If we are alive we have hope. So if anyone is going through a hard time..Please hold on.

Love Nita

Me & my sister Jamie

Me

2 photos I took today....gotta go..She is here for her computer...

love nita

Erykah Badu- AppleTree

Got to be Real....

{Just Facts, opinions, and sheeer nonsensical crap}

Life is a game. Let's face it.

The winner is the man who is the most competent and game savvy.

The one who knows the most about the person they love has a great chance of getting that person.

If they are honest and bold and true in their heart to that 1 woman or man

Something got broke in me when I was a child..And I feel forever stuck at the age of 12. I often think that is why people love me as much as they do..They say poor little crazy girl, she acts like a child.

She makes wishes on stars, and 1 headlight cars. And loves to walk in rain puddles..And she is 45 years old.

She is different...That is me, but to many, it is you too. Either now, in your life, or 1 point in your life.

Different is good.

If feeling 12 years old makes me feel good, who cares?

I am not trying to date a 12 year old.

I just feel the exuberance of someone that age. I cheer people up till they make me cry.

I start out my day so happy..Really happy. Like beam me up Scotty happy. Then I feel it, the day beginning to unfold. I will have to take my 27 year old son his meals.

Then so much more...Listen to everyone complain about everything.

And I just want to kick all their a $%*sses so bad. I just want to scream. I made coffee!! And breakfast. Eggs, bacon, toast with jam. Come on. In my best Adam Sandler voice...I know I am a woman but for comic effect I always imagine I sound like Adam Sandler when I pitching a fit to get order.

"Put on our freakin happy faces for once, and be civilized to each other."

"Put your pissing on every one's parade up for a day."

If I didn't get so much enjoyment from my own company...I would die.

Like Kevin Costner in Dances With Wolves..He is writing in his journal, when the man who takes him out to his cabin, let's a huge fart. And Kevin Costner writes , "If it were not for the presence of my companion I would be having the time of my life ." I kinda feel that way everyday..Except for Jim, I only feel that way about him once in a while.

But I plaster on a smile. Sometimes a grimace..And eventually a snarl when it all gets too much.

That is all I have for now good people. I am going to get some shots of clouds and be back to post some more a little later.

Excuse the language...Smile

Nita

Howie Day - Collide

Jim stays....he said he is madly in love with me...and said, through thick or thin we will make it work.. i have Elizabeth's computer 1 more day! got another article ..see you all later..no more good byes...just laters

Sarah Mclachlan - I Love You (album : Mirrorball)

one more song for you all...i will not cry, i will not cry....i say softly as tears flow

Regina Spektor - "Samson" [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

it is dire again today...i drove her car around in the country and cried to the prairies and the corn.. i told them my sorrow

and begged God for a break..

i feel as if a million bricks are on me. she takes her computer today..she let me borrow it this morning to tell you all...

i am going to try to get one this week because i have been writing non- stop.

the words are flowing

today i will not despair i will have hope...i will

and i will see you all as soon as i can

love nita

Blue mind

music for you to enjoy..it is peaceful..i like that

Parachute - She Is Love

i am love....

it is very hard for him, to decide, to stay with me...at times.

i had a job when we met and a car.

i was more broken than i had ever been before, really.

i had 6 broken ribs from being punched by a client at work..i had that bad cold everyone had last year. and every time i coughed my ribs poked me..oh, God i truly thought i was gonna die...

I thought i would die from the broken heart more than the broken ribs and cold..that my lover had left me with..

but, jim made love to me against his better judgement. when i had broken ribs

and i cried each time, like some lost child. because he was so caring...so loving.

and that truly touches me more than any thing, more than looks, a kind heart i prize most.

we have suffered horribly...

i look at him and i decide, right then, if he leaves cause he really can't take it. i am ok with that. because i will have cherished every moment that i have had with him.

i will cherish his strength, his craziness, his habit of carrying a book in his back pocket to read, that he likes to dog ear books like i do. i will cherish the way he crosses his legs. and the way he laughs... if he decides to go

I have been in wars. not in Vietnam or Korea ...but still in wars on the home front. just as bad as any battle over seas. haven't we all to a degree? had a war within us, and around us.

things that pull us apart at the seems...

but, this i know, i am a survivor...

and i hope he sees how valuable i am before he chooses...because i am love

nita

The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen

Life and All....

When I was a child. I knew it was my destiny to be a famous writer. A missionary from Africa prophesied this over me.

"Your words will reach many shores and they will change lives. You will speak to dead things and they shall come alive. You are life..Your words are life and they are powerful."

I don't see myself as poor. I see myself in a situation I know God will help me out of..Like the old man said, "There is only death for you here girl. Go home God isn't done with you yet."

When we see ourselves as poor, and have a poverty mentality, that will kill us quicker than anything.

Come on..When I see the sunrise in the morning my heart nearly beats out of my chest. I learned to appreciate my life after I was tied to a bed and tortured everyday by my 1st husband. {not John} Before him. I stayed with the 1st one from the time I was 15 till 20 years old.

When you have a bag over your head and are suffocating, you learn to appreciate each breath.

I do not feel sorry I endured that. It made me appreciate life so much more. I learned to survive in my mind, even if I was bleeding profusely while my face was punched and kicked at his whim.

I am not condoning or promoting torture. I am just saying I learned a very valuable lesson.

To enjoy each sunrise and sunset. To enjoy not being hit OR slapped when I give someone my opinion.

I learned to appreciate living.

So even though I don't have what I need right now. I will be content with what I do have. And work hard to make our lives better.

Because I can laugh, I can cry, I can have emotion without being hit for it. I can breath, I can eat, I can love.

Because really, love is the most important thing of all. That, and forgiveness, and vision for your life.

nita

Feist - I Feel It All

We went a long time without being able to seize the realization that John was never coming home..

Elizabeth and I fought over the property I bought her. We fought over everything.

She grew up...And began to understand what life was all about. Just in the last few months, this occurred.

And what a relief and blessing it has been.

It is like having an older sibling, and when you finally reach the age you can understand them, this releif floods your being.

Like we can talk about everything now, cause we are on the same level.

That is what happened, she understood me, and I understood her.

It was the realization that we had crossed that line, where all the bad crap I did in the last few years was absolved. And she realized I felt that same about her mistakes.

People who are grieving often do things other people who have never experienced grief, don't understand.

Death steals what we didn't want gone. Death is the realization they are never coming home. You will never fight, make love, scream, hug, kiss, tease...Those things will never happen again. Never, Never, Never, again. And that is a long damn time.

I realized how fragile life was and how temporary

When my car got taken, I mourned for 2 days. Then I said, "No More." I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I have always been that way. Sorrow and grief is much different that the spirit of self pity.

Almost a year after John died I went for surgery. Many of you know the story. But I have never talked about the hell I have went through since that surgery.

My colostomy was a surprise. Tumors that had grown on my ovaries. What was supposed to be a 2 day stay surgery turned into an 8 day hospital stay.

I will never forget when I woke up for the first time after surgery.

My sister and daughter were on each side of me crying. I asked them what was wrong.

They said I had to have a colostomy because my bowel had been smashed by the tumors. I said, "Did the surgery save my life?" They said yes, it had.

I said, "Then why are you crying? Aren't you happy I am alive?" And I smiled weakly.

They both immediately quit crying.

I wasn't happy I had a colostomy. But I was determined to be strong in the face of adversity and do the best I could do.

Having one, has been hell in varying degrees, but it also saved my life I believe. I had to learn to eat in a completely different way. Moderation.

I have Had co-workers make fun of me out of their ignorance. I was sprayed with Lysol at work one evening. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told this woman if she ever did it again..You get the jest of it. And then I calmly walked to the bathroom and got the spray and sprayed her down. I dared her to say something. She did not. This all happened because I told 1 person. Someone who appeared to be a friend. And she told everyone.

Colostomies do not have a smell unless it isn't on properly. And that is the truth.

Most people are UN-educated on the matter. I have learned to live through having it. And I decided being happy was the best choice to make. Because "I" Choose to be happy. I choose.

And, yet, many people are so sad and defeated, even when they have no handicaps.

I have 7 deteriorating disks, spinal stenosis, I am blind in my left eye and I have a colostomy. I suffer with depression. And I take medicine for it too.

Yet, I choose not to be defeated ....

I am living with my mother again till I get on my feet. My husband and me. Yet I will look for the good. Everyday, and I will seek beauty and faith.

to be continued.......

The song above goes with this post..I want you to get out of your chair and dance. Now! Ha

Jason Aldean - Laughed Until We Cried

I walked alone on the darkened street. It was raining and my mascara was streaked across my face. My hair was plastered to my cheeks and forehead, my clothes were soaked.


Elizabeth had to work that night, and then she spent the night at her friend Lucy's house.

And I was alone again..Thinking about him and going crazy. Hearing every argument we had ever had going through my mind like a dozen freight trains..The sorrow was so intense. I prayed to go back and right each one. I screamed at the sky..Not caring who heard me. It was 1:00 a.m in the morning. And I was a wounded animal.

I saw him then, the old man. The drunk whom I had saw at the park crying.

I had seen him the week before and stopped and put my hand on his shoulder as he cried. I didn't know him. But he was me, he was everyone who has lost their mind from sorrow. He reached up his weathered hand and covered mine.

"You wondering why an old foolish man is setting on a park bench crying?" He said through tear filled eyes.

I just nodded, I couldn't speak.


"She has been gone for 5 years today. She was the only person who ever truly understood me. And, when I smell peaches I see us in our orchard. She has her hair in curlers and I am looking at her wondering why she picked me. I had a lot of darkness in me. But she, She was light. Pure light. And he hung his head down and cried until the front of his shirt was soaked. I stood there and left my hand on his frail shoulder..Until he was done. I never said a word.

I walked away, and gave him a little wave and smiled softly and sadly. Cause I was where he was, just a shorter time frame.

And then I saw him again a week later, on the darkened corner.


The old man spoke from the shadows. "Girl why are you out here in the middle of the night? I knew that was you, I saw your face in the streetlight."

I don't know why, but I felt I owed him an explanation for my grief. After all he had shared his grief with me.

"I am alone in the world. My husband died and I am lost, so lost." I cried harder. This time he put his hand on my shoulder and let me cry.

When it passed, he said to me. "Go home girl, there is nothing out here for you but death. And God isn't done with you yet."

"Why would He even want me? I am a mess, my life is a mess," I said. My heart torn in a million pieces.

"People have made you feel foolish over your grief, haven't they? Unless you lose someone how could anyone truly understand?" He said softly.

"I had a breakdown when she died, and I tried killing myself 3 times. I couldn't bear it without her. She was my saviour in so many ways. She believed in me, I cheated on her a couple of times. She never said a word. But she knew. And then, I decided I could never bear to see that look on her face ever again. So I quit. When I did it I was just running from the only person who ever truly loved me. And I was scared of being loved. Because then you are vulnerable. But I decided being vulnerable to her wasn't so bad. Because she had proven to me she wasn't going to hurt me.." He smiled then. It was a lovely smile born from grief and understanding.

"So go home girl, go home."

And I did.


I don't know if the old man was an angel, or just a man posing as a human angel. But I won't ever forget, how we in our sorrow, can reach another human being who is sharing the same sorrow. Sometimes without saying one word.

Nita @ 2011

If i die young-The Band Perry (LYRICS)

My favorite song...right now

Part 2

By the time we got the money from John's settlement.. I was over run with bills.. I had to pay my Mom back. I helped each one of my kids. I fixed our house with a new roof, got it re-wired, got a foundation for the house..


I was not able to save anything.. People borrowed from me and never paid me back..It was everything in one bad combination.

Elizabeth's spleen got worse..Then would get better. It has stabilized quite a bit.

Elizabeth is moving soon. To a new location. I want to keep her privacy. But she has a job there already and an apartment and a cute boyfriend who is going with her..They are talking marriage..


Me, I am searching for my space in the world. Writing is what I love most, and taking photo journeys...But I need to find a way to make money doing it.

For many years I have suffered depression. I finally got medicine last January. It has helped very much. But there are days when life is so overwhelming nothing helps but praying.

I have had to learn how to live a new life. Because when you don't want someone to die...And they do, it is like you step outside when everything is going right, and when you step back in...Your world is gone, and you know you are never getting it back.

to be continued.....tomorrow

Chuck Wicks - Stealing Cinderella

This video is about my baby, my 21 year old daughter whom I loved even before she was born..When I first saw her sonogram she had her little hands clasped together, as in prayer. I did not know she would be combination Angel and combination SHE DEVIL.' I am laughing as I type this. And yet, the tears come as often with each paragraph.,.

When Elizabeth was born. John was so proud of her..But the 1st question I asked him when we got home was: If I told you this baby wasn't yours and was another man's would you still love her, and what would you do?"

He said, "I would throw this glass baby bottle and hit you in the head. And yes, I would still love her. But she has a jaw like mine so I think you are safe. " And he smiled the most devious smile.

I am very onry if you haven't noticed. Onry meaning quite mischievous, at all times. I struggle with being too alive, you know what I mean? If you don't let me explain. I usually feel so alive and full of life that I am overflowing. Even on my dark days I can talk myself out of them. And that is how Elizabeth is too. She took me in after John died..As in her fold of friends. I got to become a teenager.
I had never been one before. My childhood and teen times were viciously ripped from my helpless hands.

We went for pancake runs every Thursday, to I-Hop or to Denny's at 12:00 a.m ...We went to the City Museum..Often.

The founder just died in a tragic accident and Elizabeth called me weeping. I wept with her. Because we spent so many times at the City Museum..Not to confused with St. Louis Art Museum.

We went there when John was alive..And he loved it. It is the only place I know that has a 14 story Ferris Wheel on top of the building. It has an 11 story slide..It has a 3 story slide. There is an architectural element room. We all loved..Filled with gargoyles and and odd pieces of history. I am telling you these things to show you what we did in the last few years..How Elizabeth saved us both, and I guess, how I saved her too.

The year John died we could not do anything. We stayed in our nightgowns for a full year..Crying on our couches. Eating, sleeping, watching tv. Our sorrow was so intense. We barely made it. We would visit his grave every other day because everyday was unbearable.



When John first heard this song he burst into tears..He said, "What are we gonna do when Sis is gone Nita?" W e both held each other and cried.

Elizabeth was our baby and before he died..Me and John and Elizabeth did everything together. But we were all too close. Death of a loved one makes you want to die with them when you are as close we all were.

Elizabeth hit a full on rebellion when John died. She cussed me she back talked. But I loved her all the more, because pain makes us all a little crazy at times. And she had never had a rebellion before.

She missed her Dad more than anyone ever realized and it affected her greatly. She is just now getting her life together..


To be continued.......

Eli Young Band - Crazy Girl

thanks Jim....

Me & Jim

Jim loves me cause I am silly.....


I have some terrible confessions to make. This week I have been extremely mischievous I went to Hardees and used the restroom and it stunk so bad I went and told the man at the counter, that they may have a sewer problem..This man has been really sweet to me. It is safe to say the devil made me do it.

I yelled weird at a poor drunk stumbling home from the bar. He flipped me off, and I laughed, and said God bless you. Then he laughed. No harm no foul. Just oddities.

I stopped and spoke to some Jehovah witnesses, and I sincerely told them I thought they showed perseverance going out everyday and seeking people for the Lord. Then an hour later I passed them and my car was full of cigarette smoke and I was singing a George Thouroughgood song. I am sure they are praying for my soul as we speak.


Check out my posts below..They go clear to the 2nd page


xoxo Nita

Letter to a John - Ani DiFranco

My daughter introduced me to this artist...And I love her. This song strikes a deep chord.

Blast From the Past...

My sister was cleaning out her beauty shop today, and when I stopped by for lunch, I snapped this. I take my camera everywhere so I can take shots.

Jeannie Seely -- Don't Touch Me

just discovered this..Eleni Mandell does a great rendition of this

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings...

Jamie's bird

3 Cats......

Took all these photos today

The Lark Ascending - Ralph Vaughan Williams

One more version...Just going to meditate on good things today...join me in thought

The Lark Ascending - Vaughan Williams - Violin - Michael Bochmann, Engli...

Music like this makes me feel that there is true beauty in the world..Have you ever just wanted something pure? Not tainted by vulgarity or perversion..I want to be pure...Like this


Nita

1-2 Janine Jansen The Lark Ascending

i feel this with my whole heart.........

Ray Lamontagne - Can I stay

i am just tired...so tired...i want to sleep with no pain..and thank you Donna..I got your card today...i never forgot anyone of you..i just didn't have a computer for 8 months...still have Elizabeth's for about a week..then? i don't know


night night everyone..pray i sleep and dream good dreams..and i will pray for you too


nita

Sunsets from this past week...

Jeremy Camp - I Still Believe (Lyrics)

I have been up since 3:00 a.m...The pain is so intense in my back I can barely stand it. I have walked around, stretched ...Trying to be quiet so I do not wake anyone.

This song, sums up how I feel. I may have pain, physical and mental. But I still believe.


I believe in God's goodness...

In this storm He is here..My husband prayed for me before I went to sleep and it helped me very much. I slept for 5 hours.


I love him....And I feel all things work out for those who love the Lord.

If you are up this morning and stumble upon my blog...I send you hope. Whatever situation you are in...There is hope.


Nita

Rob Thomas - Little Wonders Official Music HD Video lyrics + download

I have a habit of losing myself in the one I love..I decided yesterday, I can't ever do that again.

There must be space for me.....

For me to grow, for me to have a place in the world, for me..

Insecurity in my looks has played a large role in my life..I never ever felt pretty. Things happened to me as a child that made me feel ugly. But I do feel more and more secure in my abilities and intelligence.

Pain encompasses us when we try to make a one person our entire universe. When truthfully, it is God whom we should be encompassed by.

This song, Little Wonders, is a favorite song of a dear friend of mine. And the words are so true.

I began to think of the little wonders I had as a child. I had this little miniature doll I got for a quarter out of a machine at the department store. She had red hair and was about 3 inches tall. I was 9 years old. She never had a regular name..I made up a new one for her each time we played.

I took an old sewing box and made her a home out of it..I made her tiny wash clothes out of discarded wash clothes Mom would give me..I made her a bath tub out of a small plastic container I found at Grandma's house.

Clothes were made from remnants out of my sister's sewing box. Scraps of velvet and cotton, linen and lace.

I made a small brush out of a matchbook cover. I used pictures out of magazines to cover her walls. { The inside of the old sewing box}


Chairs were made from empty plastic toothpick holders. A table was constructed out of 4 pieces of cardboard.

Many hours were spent by me making my little doll a home that we could share together.. I, in my imagination, felt it was a hiding place for me in the pain filled days and nights.

It became a place that I wanted for me, when I got older. With all the furnishings I had created..

I read a book once called, Wish craft by Barbabra Sher. It is WISH CRAFT not witchcraft.

She goes through each chapter with you helping you to realize what you want from life. She asks the question what made you alive as a child..What did you love doing more than anything..

I thought about those questions for days.

And I thought back on the little doll..And I thought about how I always had a notebook with me. I would write down all the activities I saw on a daily basis..Things that interested me. And of course big stories..Bombastic stories that delighted and appalled everyone around me.

I am finding my way..If you have ideas..Share them with me..I want to know what makes you tic.


Nita @2011