Damien Rice - Rootless Tree (Live from Abbey Road)

{This post is from a diary I started a year ago in February.. Actually, February 12, 2011. One day before I started going out with Jim.}

This song has one curse word in it..And I apologize for that but it is needed. The song..that is.


I cried. The sobs wracked my frame. I had been riding my exercise bike and praying.

It came over me in waves. Oceans of tears..I cried so much, my shirt was wet down the whole front.

The past 3 years and 7 months have been Hell.

With John dying, my surgery, Elizabeth's health. And so much more. I can't even speak of how much more. It hurts too much.

I felt in my heart, God say, " I understand Everything you have done and why you have done it."

The past year I have been on auto-pilot. The walking dead.

Numb

Numb

Numb

Lost inside myself so deep that I didn't know if I could make it out.

What can I say about suffering? It is intense. Like Jack Nicholson.

Some days I feel I can barely breath.

How do I get through it?

I wake up. I get dressed. Take my medicine. Drink some tea.

"Play some music."

Pray...That God will help me get through another day. Pray I get my needs taken care of.

And I put on the mask that every thing's ok.

When you suffer
it scares people..for you.

They can't fathom why it is happening.

I've learned this in suffering.

"God is good...All the time."

He has helped me through nights I spent on the floor crying myself to sleep..Those nights I wanted to die.

I wanted to die because of the suffering.

There were days I drove for hours..Trying not to think. Trying to breath.

There is a song by Damien Rice called, Rootless Tree. There is one line that describes me, how I feel.

"We do what we need to be free and this leans on me like a rootless tree."

I have prayed for answers. I have begged God to show me the way, everyday..

So I just take it a step at a time
a second at a time.

And I feel like I am healing
Slowly...

NBZ February, 12, 2011