Saturday, February 2, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I have this ache in my heart..It's been there all day
well, in actuality, it has been there my whole life
This feeling of utter and complete aloneness
I sit here and smoke a cigarette as I write this..The smoke making rings above my head. I gave myself a deadline to quit. 3 weeks.
I was with my friend Genia all day and I saw a good friend we went to grade school with at the store..We hugged and i was so happy to see her. And she was happy to see us.
She was a grade lower than me in school and I just loved her. She was a kind and sweet soul.
People were mean to her for no reason.
And I was this girl who would kick somebody's ass if they were mean to the people who did not deserve it. And I did it more than once. It is sad but where I grew up that is all people understood. And it killed me inside. I wanted to be able to talk. But they didn't understand that.
And I could never stand by while someone was being persecuted. If they were getting beat up. I jumped in the middle and took their part. I would say. "You want to pick on someone pick on me." Bloodied and scratched I walked away winning. I felt like God's avenging angel.
I look back on those days and I see I made a difference. One of my best friend's was gay. And people were mean to him. Until I took him under my wing. I was only 5'5 and weighed 130 pounds but I had no fear. And, I have a strong spirit. And I learned the art of intimidation early. Very early. And at times that was all I had to do to stop someone from being mean to another.
People are mean out of ignorance. And prejudice. Those are two very ugly words. The worst to me. Every single person I have ever meet I have learned from them. I took away the good and tried hard to leave the bad behind me.
I think back on those days. And I am often very sad. I was like a grown up in grade school. I never felt young until I got older. Isn't that weird? I feel younger now than I ever have. Then I felt like I was 100.
I had so many plans...
I know we go through everything for a reason. But sometimes it just seems too much, doesn't it?
Been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to help people. I want to help women and children. I want to create a place in this town for women to go to get help. Girls who are searching for themselves. I want to help them. I don't exactly know how yet. I just know I want to help.
I have many skills. And my friend Genia has many skills too. We talked about this all night.
But this loneliness still pervades in my soul. I think most people who were born to lead suffer from it. Really .
I want to do what is right in life. To soothe the heartache of another is my greatest joy.
I will never let anyone turn me into something I am not. Ever again. I write my own language.
Violence won't be needed now. I have learned to fight with words and paper. But there are those who still persist in violence. It is all they understand. I understand a better way now.
Back then there was no other option. You had to act or someone was going to get hurt. And if I got hurt helping another soul who couldn't defend themselves. I didn't care. Because my Mother taught me to defend the weak and powerless in life no matter what the cost.
What kind of people are we if we don't defend the weak and the powerless? We are cowards.
And I refuse to be a coward. I just put my plans in God's capable hands because I know if I commit them to Him, He will make them succeed.
Nita
well, in actuality, it has been there my whole life
This feeling of utter and complete aloneness
I sit here and smoke a cigarette as I write this..The smoke making rings above my head. I gave myself a deadline to quit. 3 weeks.
I was with my friend Genia all day and I saw a good friend we went to grade school with at the store..We hugged and i was so happy to see her. And she was happy to see us.
She was a grade lower than me in school and I just loved her. She was a kind and sweet soul.
People were mean to her for no reason.
And I was this girl who would kick somebody's ass if they were mean to the people who did not deserve it. And I did it more than once. It is sad but where I grew up that is all people understood. And it killed me inside. I wanted to be able to talk. But they didn't understand that.
And I could never stand by while someone was being persecuted. If they were getting beat up. I jumped in the middle and took their part. I would say. "You want to pick on someone pick on me." Bloodied and scratched I walked away winning. I felt like God's avenging angel.
I look back on those days and I see I made a difference. One of my best friend's was gay. And people were mean to him. Until I took him under my wing. I was only 5'5 and weighed 130 pounds but I had no fear. And, I have a strong spirit. And I learned the art of intimidation early. Very early. And at times that was all I had to do to stop someone from being mean to another.
People are mean out of ignorance. And prejudice. Those are two very ugly words. The worst to me. Every single person I have ever meet I have learned from them. I took away the good and tried hard to leave the bad behind me.
I think back on those days. And I am often very sad. I was like a grown up in grade school. I never felt young until I got older. Isn't that weird? I feel younger now than I ever have. Then I felt like I was 100.
I had so many plans...
I know we go through everything for a reason. But sometimes it just seems too much, doesn't it?
Been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to help people. I want to help women and children. I want to create a place in this town for women to go to get help. Girls who are searching for themselves. I want to help them. I don't exactly know how yet. I just know I want to help.
I have many skills. And my friend Genia has many skills too. We talked about this all night.
But this loneliness still pervades in my soul. I think most people who were born to lead suffer from it. Really .
I want to do what is right in life. To soothe the heartache of another is my greatest joy.
I will never let anyone turn me into something I am not. Ever again. I write my own language.
Violence won't be needed now. I have learned to fight with words and paper. But there are those who still persist in violence. It is all they understand. I understand a better way now.
Back then there was no other option. You had to act or someone was going to get hurt. And if I got hurt helping another soul who couldn't defend themselves. I didn't care. Because my Mother taught me to defend the weak and powerless in life no matter what the cost.
What kind of people are we if we don't defend the weak and the powerless? We are cowards.
And I refuse to be a coward. I just put my plans in God's capable hands because I know if I commit them to Him, He will make them succeed.
Nita
Youth - Daughter
Let's be the Lucky ones..Can we?
Have a good day all..Gotta work......love always, nita <3 nbsp="">
Shoulders..Put your burdens upon mine because they are wide
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Katy Perry - Wide Awake
when he left when he was angry..i always followed him..i was afraid someone might hurt him. our neighborhood isn't the greatest..silly huh?
but if anyone would have tried to hurt him..i would have jumped on their back and clawed their eyes out..i just wish he would have felt the same about me
i watched my favorite movie again today...Crazy Beautiful with Kirsten Dunce and Jay Hernandez. I love that movie. I see myself in her
he loved her so good that she changed....that was all she needed. you know? someone to believe in her
someone who had fun with her..and she took photos all the time and made a scrapbook of him
i take photos all the time..it is a passion of mine. i just want to capture every good memory that i can
what is love? to me it is loving someone enough to let them stay them..to have our own identity..it is wanting to be better for them..
to me is is taking care of them when they are sick and holding their hand when they are afraid..
god i feel like i am writing nita's diary..and sometimes i feel no one sees it..or sees me
like i am just this piece in the background in life..a piece of cardboard and if i get wet i will melt
in the movie she is self destructive...me
when i get mad at someone i don't want to hurt them..i want to hurt me
because i could never bear to hurt someone i love
scars from cuts...
sometimes you bleed just to know you are alive..but i haven't done that in a long time
it is always this inner struggle for me to feel good about me..he often made me alone and not worthy..i could have the whole house clean and he would still find something to pick at
i could have my make up on..and my hair done..and not one word..he never told me i looked pretty
and sometimes it is nice to hear that..
i found myself losing me...everyday i was sad
he would text other women...they would text him at 3:00 a.m and wake me up
my heart felt like it was dying a little more everyday
it wasn't just one woman..it was many
it was the things that were said between them that destroyed me
i don't know i guess i better try to sleep...
nita
this is what i want to do today
not hurt you with my words
i could...but it is pointless
what can change dark but light
i pray for you everyday...that is the truth
i miss some things about you...but not enough to take you back
i miss being held..i do
but how could you lay by me and not know my heart
how could you not care?
how could you look at my face... that had love for you... and do the things you did?
couldn't you see i was a gift?
i got up every morning and i was happy to make you breakfast and coffee and bring it to bed....so you could watch the news
i was happy to have dinner done for you everyday when you got home from work
and i had 2 gallons of tea on the top shelf..always
it is the little things like these things that you will most i fear
it is the scent of my hair on the wind freshly washed...that will float past your face and you will feel a pain like you have never felt
i see it
in my heart
i see that
you will miss how i made you laugh
and how i appreciated the little things
like gifts of bird seed
and tulip bulbs
you will see that i was good, honest and fair
and you will miss it
because now you will meet some women who aren't
they won't care
but i pray God never lets you go from His hands
i pray that He is with you always and that someday you will see what you have been missing all these years
by nita barrow- zimmerman
Monday, January 28, 2013
Kate Nash • Nicest Thing (Live at Freshly Squeezed)
i wish that my smile was your favorite kinda smile...i wish you would hold my hand when i was upset..i wish you would never forget the look on my face when we first meet
Lady Antebellum - Hello World
i love this song because it is so true..we lose sight of what is important because we want our own way... our pride gets in the way sometimes and keeps us from doing what is right.
nbz
