Adam Lambert - Whataya Want From Me

It is 2 days before Thanksgiving..And the rain pouring here today feels like the rain in my heart..Maybe I am a freak..Like I feel like I don't think like everybody. I feel like I am this girl who walks around with my heart on the outside of my shirt for all the world to see..I share my soul..Maybe my soul is not worth seeing..But somehow I can't make myself believe that.

Turmoil has been a part of my existence since childhood...

I have learned to deal with by: Sitting in my favorite chair and listening to old albums on an even older record player..It is like going back in the past. When all of us kids loved each other..When my sister Jody was alive..And my brother Buddy was too.

Mom did not mean to, but each holiday after Jody was killed in a car wreck she broke down at dinner..Thanksgiving dinner. And at Christmas dinner as well. I learned to hate the holidays because they were so desperately sad. My soul began to be turmoil a week before each holiday..When I was alone I would recall the wreck..Mom crawling in the snow to Ola's house. Our adopted grandma.

I remembered falling to my knees when we found out Jody was dead.

Death is so very final...

I loved her so much. She was trying to make me tough..Because she was afraid I wouldn't make it in this world with my soft heart.

Buddy...He made everyday fun..The day he died we going the country way to the hospital and this huge band of wild turkeys crossed in front of us..In the rain..The rain always makes me sad, except for in Summer.

I was a child who always sat back and watched everyone around me. Just soaking in the fact that even though I was the one who sat in my room for hours reading and listening to music most people didn't..They loved me for my differences. For my eccentricities.

This year I am trying with all my might not to be sad. I am going to make new traditions..I am going to bury the bad things.And cry the day before Thanksgiving and get it out,

And with all my heart I am wishing you all a lovely holiday..

love nita