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Friday, September 28, 2007

Black Eyes and Blue Tears


My friend Bill from Dying Man's Journal , Http://hudds53.wordpress.com/ has challenged his readers to write posts on any form of abuse, so that we may help others if we can, in our own small way.
My post is about abuse. I thought about this all night last night, and I am entering a zone that is very uncomfortable for me.
I have been an abused woman. This picture is from an abused women's site, I often looked like this during those years, and usually much worse. My first husband abused me severely. I was with him from the time I was 15 years old thru 20 years old.
When I was married to my first husband the abuse started immediately. It started with a slap, I left him. He begged me to come back and said he would never do it again. I listened to him as he cried like a baby and got on his knees and begged for a second chance. He had hundreds of chances over the course of 5 years. Each time he hit me it became worse and worse. He did not have to be provoked by me to do this, he could be mad for any particular reason. One time our 2 year old son had thrown the last roll of toilet paper in the toilet before he went to my Mom's house, and my ex grabbed me by the hair and drug me to the bathroom and then spit in my face. And said, "Look what your son did!" I got dressed and snuck out the back door while he was taking a bath and walked 5 miles to my friend Linda's house. We lived way out in the country, and I was almost there when I saw his car coming up behind me really fast. I stopped, because I knew if I ran into the field he would run me over.
He opened the passenger door and drug me into the car. The last thing I remember was his fist smashing me in the face. When I woke up I was covered in blood from my head to my feet. My head was the size of a basketball and he was pushing me out of the car calling me a stupid bitch.
He drug me back in the house and I got away again, I ran to the neighbors for help and his aunt came and got me. I begged her to take me to my Mom's, and she took me her house instead and called my ex's mother. Who came and got me and told me she would take me to my Mom's , but instead took me back to my ex's house. He then preceded to drag me out of the car again and kicked me so hard in my legs that my skin peeled back to my bones. He locked me in the house for 3 weeks after that with pad locks on the doors, and he took the phone with him wherever he would go. The windows were boarded over from the inside. My son stayed with my Mom for the 3 weeks I was locked up, he had called Mom and told her I was sick. I was constantly threatened that if I left he would kill me. and kill my parents and sisters. Over the course of 5 years I was tied to the bed and was tortured by being smothered by a pillow until I passed out, and then I would be revived again and then have the pillow put over my face again.
Many times I was strangled with a vacuum cord until I passed out. He would just come up behind me and do it. I was so broke down mentally that I just felt worthless. I planned my escape. I waited until he had back surgery and then when he got out of the hospital. I left. He could not come after me because he was too weak. I went back home and filed for divorce. He still stalked me for a long time and tried to kidnap me once. But I finally got free. But it was so hard, because I was beat down mentally and physically. At that time I weighed 110 pounds and was 5'6 he weighed 365 pounds was 6'6. I am so lucky I am alive, it is only by the grace of God that I am. I saw my Mom be abused as a child and it was hard to escape the cycle. If there is anyone out there struggling through something like this. First know you do not deserve being abused! Your abuser will tell you that you do. But, you do not deserve it. Plan your escape, and never, never tell them you are leaving them. So often that is when the women will get killed trying to leave her abuser. Find a friend who can help you. And never give up on yourself, you have a life worth living. If you have kids leave the abuser for them. Because if you stay it is going to affect them so much.
If you have never been abused it is hard to understand why anyone would stay. Alot of it is control by fear, and intimidation of what they will do to you. And your are so broke down by constantly being told your are worthless and being called terrible names. It is so hard to escape . But it is not impossible. I pray for anyone going through this that God will help you to escape. Never give up.
This is a graphic story and I am sorry if I have offended anyone, I only want to help.
~Nita~

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Click on picture this bird is so pretty
I went for a drive yesterday with my Dad, when I say Dad it is my Step-Dad, but he has raised me since I was 4 years old. Many times he was an ass growing up, and that is putting it Mildly. But, he has tried really hard in the last 20 years to change.
I had business to take care of and did not want to go alone. So he came along.
I took this picture in Mt. Vernon, I was eating breakfast and ordered hash browns which I always feed to the birds. This seagull came flying in immediately after I threw some out. Isn't awesome? I saw buffaloes that I want to take a picture of over past Breese. There are some people who raise them. I drove to places I had never drove to before yesterday, just practicing. We ended up lost in East St. Louis!!!
My Dad looks at me really calm and says ," I think we are in a pickle."
I am looking for a way out, and find an exit. But, you know I am stronger than what I know, because I did pretty good. I did not panic, I just looked for a way out. And I got alot of driving experience in for driving over that way. Thanks to everyone who left a comment yesterday and the day before. I was so overwhelmed with all I have to do. It just seems there is more things for me to do everyday since John had his accident. I just get down sometimes, he use to help me so much, now I am alone, doing it all. ~Nita~

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry

Click on Picture
A Highwaymen picture


When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief, I come into the presence of still water
And I feel above me the day blind stars
waiting with their light For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.


This is my favorite poem. ~nita~

I will keep John's address on my front page for all who want to send cards.

John's address: SSM Rehab
c/o John Zimmerman
room 137
6420 Clayton Road
St. Louis, Mo. 63117

Tuesday, September 25, 2007



I took this photo a few weeks ago. And it is where I am at today, runny mascara and red nose. I am trying so hard to be positive but I have been so down the last 2 days. I am overwhelmed. ~nita~

Monday, September 24, 2007

10th Day


Metamorphosis: I have thought about this word all day. I also thought about the quote that was our prompt today:
" Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking, but a full on metamorphosis. ~ Martha Beck~

Sunday, September 23, 2007

9th Day


Today's challenge quote was :
" Love cannot survive if you just give it scraps of yourself, scraps of your time, scraps of your thoughts."
by Mary O' hara
But, I also think love cannot survive either if we do not have our own identity. Because way to often I have seen women completely lose their identify when they get married. Poof! They become a carbon copy of their spouse. We have to have time to actively pursue our own dreams. Because, if we still can be an individual we will be better wives, and better mothers and better friends.
~ Nita~
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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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Copyright@ 2007- 2013 by Nita Barrow- Zimmerman
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Please pray for the protection of Israel.
And for the Jewish people who live there. May God give them the strength they need to defeat their enemies.
“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
—G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936); writer, critic
"There will come
a time
when you believe
everything is finished.
That will be the beginning."
Louis L'Amour
(1908-1988)

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next;
virtue is doing it."
David Star
(1851-1931)
exert from
The Philosophy of Despair
It is never too late to be who you might have been.
George Eliot
Friendship is a sheltering tree.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
~Wishes are free~
So why not make one?
Psalm 138:7

Though I am surrounded by troubles, my God will preserve me against the anger of my enemies. He will clench His fist against my angry enemies! His Power will save me. The Lord will work out His plans for my life- for His faithful love endures forever.

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