My friend Bill from Dying Man's Journal , Http://hudds53.wordpress.com/ has challenged his readers to write posts on any form of abuse, so that we may help others if we can, in our own small way.
My post is about abuse. I thought about this all night last night, and I am entering a zone that is very uncomfortable for me.
I have been an abused woman. This picture is from an abused women's site, I often looked like this during those years, and usually much worse. My first husband abused me severely. I was with him from the time I was 15 years old thru 20 years old.
When I was married to my first husband the abuse started immediately. It started with a slap, I left him. He begged me to come back and said he would never do it again. I listened to him as he cried like a baby and got on his knees and begged for a second chance. He had hundreds of chances over the course of 5 years. Each time he hit me it became worse and worse. He did not have to be provoked by me to do this, he could be mad for any particular reason. One time our 2 year old son had thrown the last roll of toilet paper in the toilet before he went to my Mom's house, and my ex grabbed me by the hair and drug me to the bathroom and then spit in my face. And said, "Look what your son did!" I got dressed and snuck out the back door while he was taking a bath and walked 5 miles to my friend Linda's house. We lived way out in the country, and I was almost there when I saw his car coming up behind me really fast. I stopped, because I knew if I ran into the field he would run me over.
He opened the passenger door and drug me into the car. The last thing I remember was his fist smashing me in the face. When I woke up I was covered in blood from my head to my feet. My head was the size of a basketball and he was pushing me out of the car calling me a stupid bitch.
He drug me back in the house and I got away again, I ran to the neighbors for help and his aunt came and got me. I begged her to take me to my Mom's, and she took me her house instead and called my ex's mother. Who came and got me and told me she would take me to my Mom's , but instead took me back to my ex's house. He then preceded to drag me out of the car again and kicked me so hard in my legs that my skin peeled back to my bones. He locked me in the house for 3 weeks after that with pad locks on the doors, and he took the phone with him wherever he would go. The windows were boarded over from the inside. My son stayed with my Mom for the 3 weeks I was locked up, he had called Mom and told her I was sick. I was constantly threatened that if I left he would kill me. and kill my parents and sisters. Over the course of 5 years I was tied to the bed and was tortured by being smothered by a pillow until I passed out, and then I would be revived again and then have the pillow put over my face again.
Many times I was strangled with a vacuum cord until I passed out. He would just come up behind me and do it. I was so broke down mentally that I just felt worthless. I planned my escape. I waited until he had back surgery and then when he got out of the hospital. I left. He could not come after me because he was too weak. I went back home and filed for divorce. He still stalked me for a long time and tried to kidnap me once. But I finally got free. But it was so hard, because I was beat down mentally and physically. At that time I weighed 110 pounds and was 5'6 he weighed 365 pounds was 6'6. I am so lucky I am alive, it is only by the grace of God that I am. I saw my Mom be abused as a child and it was hard to escape the cycle. If there is anyone out there struggling through something like this. First know you do not deserve being abused! Your abuser will tell you that you do. But, you do not deserve it. Plan your escape, and never, never tell them you are leaving them. So often that is when the women will get killed trying to leave her abuser. Find a friend who can help you. And never give up on yourself, you have a life worth living. If you have kids leave the abuser for them. Because if you stay it is going to affect them so much.
If you have never been abused it is hard to understand why anyone would stay. Alot of it is control by fear, and intimidation of what they will do to you. And your are so broke down by constantly being told your are worthless and being called terrible names. It is so hard to escape . But it is not impossible. I pray for anyone going through this that God will help you to escape. Never give up.
This is a graphic story and I am sorry if I have offended anyone, I only want to help.