I took both of his hands and held them to my face, I smelled them. They smelled of soap and his after shave. I put them on both my cheeks and held them there for a minute. He looked at me and said, "Your face is so hot." I said," Because when I cook I always get hot."
He laughed and hugged me to him.

He had a freckle on his right ear. He had a scar on his lip from when he fell on his rubber duck when he was little, and the metal piece cut him.

I bought a rubber duck and put it in the shower after he told me that story and sang the rubber ducky song once in awhile when he was in the shower. He always threw his wash cloth at me. And I would run from the bathroom laughing.

I would go take him a glass of ice tea when he was done mowing the lawn. And then we would go sit on the porch swing under the crab apple tree and talk about how we wanted to make the yard really beautiful.

He would tell me his plans of rebuilding the shed. How he wanted to start making things for me. I wanted bird houses that we could hang up on the trees. And he wanted to grow some gourds for the Purple Martins.

How we wanted to have a raised bed garden because the back yard was marshy when it rained.

He always asked me what plants I was growing. What were they for.
I grow fennel every year for the butterflies and he was fascinated at how many butterflies just flocked around those plants.

He would go with me every year to all the green houses so we could get our plants for the garden. He always tilled the garden and I would plant it. He weeded it and I watered it. He had this old antique hoe that he used. I can see him out there now. He would take his shirt off and stick half of it in his back pocket and let the rest hang down.

I don't know if I will have a garden this year.

~Nita~

Song, Come Back Down by Nickel Creek
if you have time please listen to this song...

My Love's hair is as black as a raven's wing. His eyes green as grass in Spring. I wrote this about John when I was 20 years old. It has ran through my mind often since his death. There is more, but I could not bear to write it out. I have cried all day...

This weather makes me think of him so much. He use to walk in from work and smell what I was cooking, and ask 3 questions at one time. "MMM, smells good, what's for dinner? How soon will we be eating? And do I have time to feed the dogs?" I always laughed because he could squeeze in more questions in one sentence than anyone I had ever met.

When he got home he would have on his Car Harts and his John Deere stocking hat. He was always prepared for bad weather, and carried his tool boxes, water, and old blankets in case the car broke down. He was prepared for almost any occasion.

I loved cooking for him. He would often call me from work and ask me to make a couple of pies to bring him by noon so he could share them with his friends. I said sure. I would whip him up a couple of pies and deliver them to the factory by noon.

As much as he gave to me I wanted to give back to him.
Elizabeth and I were talking today about how it still feels weird that at 4:00 p.m. he does not walk through that door. How it feels like he should be here...

Sometimes we never know where life will lead us. If only we knew how short our time is we have here on earth. I think we would change how we did things. How we treated our loved ones. We would try to understand them more. Put their feelings above ours more. We are here but a moment... Then we are gone. I want to make the remaining days I have left here worth something. I want to be a better Mother, daughter, sister, friend.

And I want to thank everyone of you who have left me comments. It has meant so much to me. ~Nita~

I picked out John's headstone today, it is very beautiful. It is red granite. Mom and Dad took me out to the cemetary to order it. I could not do it before now.
It seemed so weird to stand beside his grave with no stone, only clay mixed with mud covering him. I felt such a deep sadness and so lost. I could not quit crying for awhile. The coldness of the day just seemed to make my grief all the more bitter.
It seems like it is so hard to realize he is even gone.

Earlier in the day we went to a fabric store and I picked out material to make curtains for the front room. I am trying to keep busy. We ate lunch at a litle cafe across the street and I sat beside the window soaking in the sun.
It was a better day than yesterday, even though my days are filled with sadness .

Everyday it is a battle to move, to bath, to cook, to do normal things we all have to do. I hope it does get easier.

I just try to find something good out of everyday. I look for the bright spots that make the day a little easier. I also try to make bright spots for the kids.

We can make life easier for those around us I think if we try to at least keep some of our grief to ourselves. When I am alone I often cry. I can't help it, I do. It is then I am assailed with memories. Overcome with thoughts of him.

I wore his deodorant today, the one that he had at home before the accident. I held it in my hand and smelt it first. The lump in my throat hurt so bad I could barely breath.

I remembered him in the mornings taking showers and how I would peek my head in at him and watch him.
He would say, " What are you doing?"
I would say, " Watching a very good looking man taking a shower." And I laughed when he blushed.

Then I would watch him shave. He would wrap his towell around his waist and put the wash cloth in the sink and run very hot water. He then put a hot wash cloth on his face, and then lathered up. He would stick his lip out while he shaved around his mouth.

He shaved twice a day, because he always had a 5:00 o'clock shadow.
It is the small minute things we all take for granted that I miss more than anything.

It is the kindness and love, and good memories that I will remember.

~Nita~

Pay it Forward...

{This is a Royalty-Free Design so please feel free to save it or print it.}
{please click on picture for beautiful details}

" Let's Pay It Forward"

I am participating in something fun, and here's a chance to get a surprise from me in the next 365 days.

I am responding to Joni from Morning Coffee

http://justjoninjava.blogspot.com/

~Here Are the Rules~

1 Leave a comment that says you want to play. The first 3 people to comment will receive a gift from me. {e-mail me your address please}

2.Do the same thing on your blog. The first 3 people leave a comment and you give them a gift within 365 days.

~Nita~

I am having a really sad day. It started yesterday. I went out to eat yesterday with Mom and Dad. John always sat next to me in the back seat when we went out to eat with them.

I could just see him in my mind sitting next to me. He always held my hand all the way there. He would talk to Dad about the things men talk about.
I would watch him as he talked, he would get so animated. I loved seeing him smile.

How alone I was yesterday really hit me hard. You can literally feel a difference in your spirit when you lose your spouse.
You feel them leave. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me.

I have thought about all the things we talked about the last few months. How he said even though he could not walk Elizabeth down the aisle he could roll her down. She said that would be perfect.

How we had planned to do things together. How we were finally going to be able to go fishing, and do things we wanted to do.

It hurts so much...
~nita~

Love Is the Answer...

For so long I have been a broken person. I had things happen to me as a child that effected my whole life. But I have had people reach out to me in love, and that has helped to heal my wounds. John was the greatest healer of wounds. He gave me something I had never had before. Someone who truly listened to me when I talked. That is the single most important thing you can have in this life, someone who listens, truly listens.



I am reaching out to you today to say, "Love is the Answer." It is hard to love others when they have hurt us. But I have realized something, We can love them and forgive them, but we don't have to be around them. Especially if they continue with their destructive behavior.



If they appear to have changed, and you give them another chance and they hurt you again, you may have to distance yourself.

But forgive, for if we forgive we are released from the prison that holds us captive. And, we don't have to be a door mat to be forgiving and loving.



Today's song, Love is the Answer
1st video, 1st clip