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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I picked out John's headstone today, it is very beautiful. It is red granite. Mom and Dad took me out to the cemetary to order it. I could not do it before now.
It seemed so weird to stand beside his grave with no stone, only clay mixed with mud covering him. I felt such a deep sadness and so lost. I could not quit crying for awhile. The coldness of the day just seemed to make my grief all the more bitter.
It seems like it is so hard to realize he is even gone.

Earlier in the day we went to a fabric store and I picked out material to make curtains for the front room. I am trying to keep busy. We ate lunch at a litle cafe across the street and I sat beside the window soaking in the sun.
It was a better day than yesterday, even though my days are filled with sadness .

Everyday it is a battle to move, to bath, to cook, to do normal things we all have to do. I hope it does get easier.

I just try to find something good out of everyday. I look for the bright spots that make the day a little easier. I also try to make bright spots for the kids.

We can make life easier for those around us I think if we try to at least keep some of our grief to ourselves. When I am alone I often cry. I can't help it, I do. It is then I am assailed with memories. Overcome with thoughts of him.

I wore his deodorant today, the one that he had at home before the accident. I held it in my hand and smelt it first. The lump in my throat hurt so bad I could barely breath.

I remembered him in the mornings taking showers and how I would peek my head in at him and watch him.
He would say, " What are you doing?"
I would say, " Watching a very good looking man taking a shower." And I laughed when he blushed.

Then I would watch him shave. He would wrap his towell around his waist and put the wash cloth in the sink and run very hot water. He then put a hot wash cloth on his face, and then lathered up. He would stick his lip out while he shaved around his mouth.

He shaved twice a day, because he always had a 5:00 o'clock shadow.
It is the small minute things we all take for granted that I miss more than anything.

It is the kindness and love, and good memories that I will remember.

~Nita~

28 comments:

fireflynights said...

Re: "We can make life easier for those around us I think if we try to at least keep some of our grief to ourselves." You must grieve in your own way. Yes, it is kind to think of other people, but you must do what is appropriate to you and your situation.

The DVD from Willowgreen came today and I watched it again. I'll package it up and hopefully have it in the mail to you tomorrow. It's been several years since I watched it and I found it just as beautiful and helpful as the last time I viewed it. I hope it will be of some help to you and Elizabeth.

Elizabeth said...

Nita,
I just found your blog because you were kind enough to write me. I cried when I read through your postings. I love how you loved your husband and how you open your heart for others to see your pain, your joy, your loss and your soul. That is very brave of you. Your postings are a wonderful reminder for me to never take Randy for granted and yes, you are so right...it IS the small things that will be missed the most. My heart goes out to you. I wish I had words to comfort you, but none exists. You have my prayers and may God grant you peace and hope.
Love,
Elizabeth

Treasure Barn said...

Nita
You my dear have been sent an Art Prize & Award!

You are my inspiration as well as my friend.
Love Ya
Patti

Treasure Barn said...

Oh Nita, what WONDERFUL memories you have ! You are such a dear and sharing these memories is so special. You have to grieve and anything that helps you get through another day is a good thing.

I am sure there are private memories that you are grieving over also and these are even more precious.

Picking the head stone must have been very painful and my heart hurts for you. You are a strong person Nita. It will get easier. Keep up the good work. Keep pushing through each day. Keep those memories coming.

God Bless You and Elizabeth
Hugs my friend
Patti

shabby chic said...

Hi Nita,
Your memories are beautifull memories of John. I can imagine you are very sad. I have never lost anyone close.I can imagine there must be such a big void when you do lose someone close.
Its great that you sat in a cafe . Its great that you do your blog and all the other little things. Dont feel bad about feeling like crying and being upset. You need to at this time.
You are doing just fine, even though you may think not.
xx Dominique

Thrifty Miss Priss said...

Nita, you just have to do what feels right at the moment. If thats making things better for ELizabeth, then do it....If it's sitting down and crying.....ripping up magazines...do it.....Just know you are not walking this journey alone sweetie.
xxoo
Robin

SweetAnnee said...

Nita..I pray for you daily.
You have to grieve
and your entitled to NOT
be strong for everyone else.

Please know I think of you often
and care. God keep you!!

deena

Donna said...

Sending you and the children lots of love, great big hugs...sunshiny smiles, and understanding. Love you Sweetheart...

Laurie said...

Sweet Nita,

It will be the memory of the little things that are missed the most. When you love someone with all your heart, you notice the little things about them that make them so special to you. I am praying for you during this hardest time and asking God to carry your heart that is so weighted with sorrow. However you grieve is the right thing for you dear friend. Many times I wear my husbands cologne so I can smell him all day long. Memories are wonderful even if they hurt so much right now. It won't always be this way, but for now, God is leading you through the valley. I love you and pray your HOPE grows in Him.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

hiddenart said...

Your love is beautiful. Your grief is pure.
I love you. Hugs to you today. As always, I'm praying that the God of all comfort keeps you tenderly in His embrace.
amanda

A bird in the hand said...

Your memories are fresh and I know they pierce your heart. I'm glad to hear you're letting yourself cry, it's one way of letting out the grief. I want to tell you never to let anyone stop you from crying. Don't bottle it up, because it will catch up with you later.
Much love and warm hugs to you.

Jennifer said...

Your posts are so beautiful and moving. I can feel the love between you and John. Your memories, though they hurt now, will comfort you in the future and you'll be grateful for so many of them later.

I sent a small package to Elizabeth today - hopefully it will get to her by the end of this week.

Thanks for your comments the other day about my daughter. Being teased is really tough - I was teased alot in school too. Fortunately, for Adelaide, this isn't the case - the teacher told me that she is quite popular despite the fact that she's so quiet (the kids like the fact that she is so easygoing). But, the teasing thing is definitely something to look out for in the future.

The French Nest said...

You are an incredibly strong woman, Nita. Sending you hugs...

Kate

Mimi said...

Nita,
you are entitled to grieve... and in your own way... sometimes you will cry at the least little thing... other times you will laugh out loud at some sweet memory...and it is all OK for you to do... just include Elizabeth in your grieving process...
it is important for both of you,
Love and prayers,
Mimi

Shelley said...

Hello Dear Nita, God be with you. I pray that God send you something each day to make you smile and remind you of his never ending love for you. I pray he will ease your grief a little each day until you can once again feel whole and beable to remember your wonderful memories without so much pain and sadness. I truly admire you in your strength to do your best to continue in your daily living and loving your family.You are such a special person and I am so proud to call you friend.

In are in my daily prayers.

Blessings,Shelley

Classic Charm said...

Nita,
I can only imagine how difficult it was for you today to go to pick out that stone. If only I had the words to console you...lean on God and know that John is with you in the deepest part of your heart and soul. Be strong for Elizabeth, but take your time grieving...as your soul needs that too.
Hugging you tighly,
Rose

Sarah said...

Thank you for visiting my blog Nita.

As Deena wrote you have to grieve. And remember the good and the beautiful times...in time they won't be a source of pain but of comfort, beautiful memories to cherish.

You'll be in my prayers; God is near.

Hugs and blessings.

Sarah x

Nonnie said...

thank you for your care, nita.....even in your own grief...
loving thoughts and prayers,
kimberly

Dena ~ swaddlecottage said...

Sweet Nita,

You reminded me of how my Daddy used to stand at the sink and shave, and to this day the smell of Brut reminds me of him. I've sniffed bottles of Brut many times, just to close my eyes and be nearer. It is in the littlest things that we find our comforts. Hold tight dear friend. It will get better and the Lord will strengthen you daily.

Hugs,
Dena

(((((HUGS))))) sandi said...

Just thinking of you and falling in love with such a beautiful post. God bless you and yours as you grieve! Prayers abound for you, dear one. ((((((HUGS))))) sandi

Diane said...

Nita
Thank you for sharing your pain and being so open. It really makes me grateful for everything I have and everyday with my husband. I am keeping you in my prayers that everyday becomes easier for you. Keep up your strength and always remember that Jesus is holding you.
xoxo
Diane

Laura said...

Nita, I confess that I brought his ashes home and have yet to order the urn. I hate myself for putting them on his dresser and keeping my eyes from them. As if I can make it not be true by not dealing with it. I hope you are doing well. I constantly think of you.

Vickie said...

Nita, I love your memories. Keeping busy is good and talking is good. We love to hear so you keep talking. I pray is the stilness you feel love, comfort, and peace.

velvet brick said...

Dear Nita,
Hi. I saw your kind comment on my blog today and wanted to say 'hello'. I am sorry to read of the lost of your beautiful husband. You are in the midst of a very, very difficult time and I want you to know that even though we are new blog friends, my heart is hurting for what you and your family are having to go through right now. I have said a prayer for all of you, and I hope, Nita, that even if it is just for a moment's time, that you find comfort tomorrow. Bless you. I will check in on you again.
Love,
VB

Just Joni said...

Nita, I do hope you continue to try to find good out of everyday and that your "bright spots" increase. This will be a journey that takes time, but just know that you have many people who care and are willing to lend a blog-shoulder when ever you need. I am honored that I might get to be a bright spot in one of your days coming up with a gift from our Pay-It-Forward game, but I do need you to drop me an email dear with your address so that I can get it on its way soon.

I hope tomorrow is a little better...and the day after that even more so...
God bless you~
Joni

Kathy in Newfoundland said...

Hi Nita:

I've been ill & in bed so I haven't had the chance to catch up with you 'til now.

I am so sorry that Elizabeth is having such a hard time of it. I lost my Daddy very suddenly when I was only 15 and was devastated so I can understand her pain. The father/daughter bond is very special.

I haven't had the chance to read back through your latest posts but it sounds like your faith is carrying you. I think it's true about what you said re: grieving privately at times. My Mom, bless her heart, was only 44 when daddy died and had 6 youngsters still at home. I look back now in total awe at her ability to carry on despite her heartbreak. I am sure she shed many a tear while we were all at school. She is now 84 years old and still has remarkable spirit. It's hard to fathom that Daddy will be dead 40 years in May! I still miss him. He was such an awesome family man.

Actually Nita, I came to your blog tonight to look for your e-mail as I need your address but, for the life of me, I cannot find it. I suppose it's right under my nose!

Could you please post it so cyber-dummies like me can e-mail you?

Please know that you & your family have been in my thoughts & prayers.

Love,
Kathy
xoxo

red tin heart said...

Kathy my e-mail is: indigosea7913@yahoo.com

Bobbie said...

Nita, John lives through your memories now and they are absolutely beautiful. His love for you and yours for him will live on forever. I'm sorry I've not been here. I thought I was subscribed to your blog but find I wasn't and have missed your other posts. I thought you were not posting and just came here to leave a note and found my mistake. I do hope that you and Elizabeth keep well and wish God blessings on you both every day.

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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
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