Searching....

These are the pictures I took today.

{Please click on them for a better view.}

You see the shack at the top? I found it in the woods several miles away from my house.

My heart skips a beat every time I see it. I want to go and open the door to this little house and find out its secrets. I want to find a small box under a loose floorboard full of love letters belonging to its previous owner. I want to find remnants of a life I never knew. Maybe a picture in a heart shaped frame, sitting on the small end table with a tea cup that was left behind, stained from rose tea.. The end table would sit next to an empty iron bed that used to be a shelter for the two lovers.

It would be a great little hide out from the world for a while.

I would go there and read my books and think and write.

These 3 Mourning Doves were outside my window on a low branch this afternoon cooing. Did you know Mourning Doves are a symbol of enduring love? If you click on the picture of these Doves the first two look like ghost birds... Surreal isn't it?

I got the hawk out in the country, but my camera wouldn't come on soon enough and I barely got a picture of it. But the clouds were majestic today rolling across the sky.

Trees fascinate me. They are all so different. I love the broken one.

I also love the wavy limbs of this tree.

And the dark tree in the field has always been my favorite tree since I was a little girl.

I have always stopped just to look at it, and to admire its strength. It had a huge limb that broke off of it last year that marred its beauty... But in the Summer its leaves cover its brokenness. The brokenness is still there just hidden. It is still beautiful to me.

Tonight's song is The Sweetest Girl By Wyclef Jean . He also has several other talented singers who join him in this song.

I love this song. It makes me think..

The words of this song say alot and so does the video..

It is the 1st video and the 2nd song

I will have pictures of the jewelry I am making by Monday.

I want to leave everyone with a parting thought from Sue Monk Kidd's new book, FirstLight Early Inspirational Writings

She writes in this passage, Discovering our personal stories is a spiritual quest. Without such stories we cannot be fully human, for without them we unable to articulate or even understand our deepest experiences.

~ Nita~

I can't predict when one goes from feeling immense sorrow, to not feeling immense sorrow...

Because I have been blindsided. I found this singer on the radio yesterday and he sang how I felt. If you have time please listen to this song. Blindsided by Bon Ivers.

There is a line in in it that says, " I am crippled and slow...
I feel that way.

" My heart has suffered a terrible blow."

I've received a few well meaning e-mails about getting over grief. I don't think anyone has tried to hurt me. But I am not ready to be over this yet.

It has only been a month since John's death.

I'm bathing, cooking, cleaning, paying bills. I am there for Elizabeth and my boys.

But there is a time for grieving.

I search for hope everyday.. But I have lost my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my husband.

I will never be kissed by him again. I will never make love to him again.

When my sister-in-law lost my brother it took a long time for her life to re-turn to a somewhat normal existence.

I am trying my hardest ....

~nita~

If you click on the menu while playing the song it will take you to other songs by this artist. There is another song he sings that is called,
Skinny Love that is beautiful.

He sings with an aching rawness in this song. It spoke to me in volumes. He shouts some of the words in this song so beautifully. He wants you to feel his passion. His hurt...

The walking wounded is a term I would use to describe myself at this time. It seems like I should have a huge hole where my heart use to be. My brokenness is so devastatingly complete. It seems like I cry when I wake up and cry when I go to bed. Friends I have known my whole life turn when they see me. Ones I have shared bread with...

There is something about sorrow that makes us want to run. To flee before the sorrow touches us. Maybe they don't know what to say, it doesn't matter. I understand. But it still hurts.

I saw a man yesterday when I went out to eat with Mom and Dad (i did not want to go, Mom begged me too.)

I had a bad day that started with a dream about John the night before, and I was just broke up about it. But I went out to eat with them.

The man was sitting alone. His hair was messed up and he did not look the cleanest. He sat in a contraption that he could roll himself around in,because he weighed about 500 pounds.

My heart broke for him. I felt anger rise up in me as people walked past him and cast disgusted looks his way. I just wanted to shout at them, " Do you know his story?"

We were seated several booths away from him but I could see him clearly from where I sat. There was a rambunctious table next to him and when they would laugh at each other's jokes, a huge smile would cross his face.

I thought I was alone until I saw that man. He was truly alone and I felt it.

He sat and read the paper while he ate, occasionally smiling to himself at other people's conversations.

It was his birthday. And several waitresses that he knew came over and sang happy birthday to him.

I had a lump in my throat that wouldn't go down. It was this man's birthday and he was completely alone. I felt this overwhelming sadness for him.

On the way out I stopped and introduced myself and wished him a happy birthday. I talked to him a few minutes and he was just so grateful. He told me his family was all dead. He was the last one. But he was a Christan and looked forward to being with his family in Heaven.

Sometimes in our brokenness it helps to reach out to someone else in their brokenness.

~Nita~

Song, The Blower's Daughter
by Damien Rice
1st video, 1st song

This song is so hauntingly beautiful...It reminds me of John.
My hair use to be that long and John loved it. I may grow it again..