Today was a rough day.

When I watched the movie last night, there was a scene in which Hillary Swank dreams her husband is beside her and she tells him it is his turn to turn the light off in their bedroom. But she wanks up and looks over and he is not there.

I have done that so much, but for months. Since John's accident. I have dreamed he was home, and I wake up talking to him, to realize he isn't there.

Today as I was getting ready to go with Mom and Dad a song came on that he use to sing to me all the time. I could not get it together for a half hour. I could not quit crying. I wanted to go back to bed, but Mom talked me out of it.

It seems to strike me at the worst times....This all consuming grief.
One minute I am fine the next falling apart.
~Nita~

Elizabeth and I went to see PS i Love You tonight. It was such a great movie. Hillary Swank is the lead character in the movie. It is about a woman who loses her husband due to a brain tumor. He does something very neat though, as he is dying he writes her letters and has them delivered to her for the next year after his death. They are delivered at different times, and it seems like just when she needs them.

He knew he was dying and he took the opportunity to do something so wonderful to help her get over the grief of losing him. And to help guide her to a new life.

Me and Elizabeth cried through the whole movie because so many things reminded us of John.

John was part Irish and he was so proud of that. I always prepared corned beef and cabbage for him every St. Patricks day. I also made strawberry and rhubarb pie for him. I had to make 2 pies because he could eat a whole one by himself !

He would tell me stories of his Grandpa raising horses and going to the horse races with him. And how they had ponies and horses growing up.
It is so sad for me because I miss him telling me stories... He never seemed to run out of them.

I also miss the wealth of information he had. He knew how to fix anything. When his accident first happened I did not know how to open the hood of our van because there was a trick to it. It seemed everything John had there was a trick to it!

So after about 3 weeks when he was better I asked him how to open the hood of the van because Dad couldn't even get it open. He told me how and I did it and it opened just fine.

In the movie she is thinking of him just in the daily aspects of life and I do that so very much. I can see him in my minds eye so clearly saying I love you.. I see him going about his daily chores, just happy as a lark.

The accident stole so much from him, but he still was so strong.
He never once felt sorry for himself. He was always thinking of what he was going to do when he got home. He wanted to come home so very bad..

I still feel numb. In the movie the mom, played by Kathy Bates tells her daughter that she can't go on grieving forever.

I feel like there is no one who can tell another person when to quit grieving.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

It is a feeling of such complete aloneness. I have never felt so alone.

Even though I have my family.. I don't have John.

~Nita~

Collage...

~ Please click on collage for a better view~


This is a collage I put together yesterday. I took these photos with Elizabeth's camera over the course of the last 2 months.

I took photos of the Amaryllis blooming at different stages.

There are photos of my squirrels eating. Sweet fat squirrels who are dearly loved for their antics.

Of roses I am drying out from John's funeral, that I will put in a shadow box frame.

There is a broken golden barrette on the ground with the sun glowing on it.

There are 2 stones together that act as a stop for my gate. They have colorful streamers from New Years Eve wrapped around around them. I can't bear to pick them up because when the sun shines on them they send sparkles up everywhere..

There is a single leaf in melting snow.

A jar of amber beads that hang by my porch to attract faeries...

One bright red Cardinal to sing me me songs while he eats.

These are pieces of my life, of who I am.
~Nita~

Tonight's song, Love Song by Sara Bareilles
This song reminds me of an altered art book. It is so wonderful, I just love the song and the video. If you have time please listen to it..

It is the second video, click on 1st clip

Elizabeth and I went to the bookstore today and I bought these two books.

I decided to plant a garden this year after all the responses I have received.

I want to plant a memorial garden for John and have a vegetable garden. My Dad said he would till the garden spot for me.

The garden book is so full of ideas. It has how to make your own raised bed garden! With step-by step instructions. What I really like about this book is that it is done all by women.

That is unusual to see in a garden book.

The other book I splurged on Barefoot Contessa at Home is one of my favorite books.

I love Ina Garten. I watch her on television when she is on. I have got this book at the library before and made many of the recipes in it.

I have always cooked dinner for my Mom and Dad who live across the street from me. And I have been cooking a lot lately to stay busy.

I like to cook for Mom and Dad, and many times my older sister will stop by and eat supper too. I will be making many of the recipes out of this new cookbook for them to try.

A funny thing John used to do, was whenever we had company over for dinner, he would always hurry up and pack his lunch for the next day before everyone came in. He was like a little squirrel hoarding his food.

His food was important to him.

I had a friend say something to me today that I have let roll around in my mind. It was a wise thing she said.

" When something happens to us as life altering as losing a spouse all we can do is work through our grief."

She continued to say that after 2 years her loneliness had only increased.

Her children could not understand, because of course they lost their father, but she lost the love of her life.

I am not trying to minimize losing a parent. That is awful. But losing a spouse is losing half of who you are. A whole person becomes a half a person.

She went on to say what so many people say, "Time will help you heal."

I guess time is the only thing that can help heal a person of who has suffered unmeasurable grief.

If anyone who is reading this is discouraged about something in your life. Be encouraged. God has held my hand the whole way. He will hold your hand too.

I don't know what I would have done without Him. I felt like I could have easily died with John. But I thought about my kids, my Mom, my sisters, my family.

We do not realize how important we are to others around us. We may be their rock and not even know it. We may be the only Jesus some people will ever know. I am hanging on with God's help and the help of those God has sent to help me. You hang on too.

~Love Nita~