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Thursday, February 28, 2008

Elizabeth and I went to see PS i Love You tonight. It was such a great movie. Hillary Swank is the lead character in the movie. It is about a woman who loses her husband due to a brain tumor. He does something very neat though, as he is dying he writes her letters and has them delivered to her for the next year after his death. They are delivered at different times, and it seems like just when she needs them.

He knew he was dying and he took the opportunity to do something so wonderful to help her get over the grief of losing him. And to help guide her to a new life.

Me and Elizabeth cried through the whole movie because so many things reminded us of John.

John was part Irish and he was so proud of that. I always prepared corned beef and cabbage for him every St. Patricks day. I also made strawberry and rhubarb pie for him. I had to make 2 pies because he could eat a whole one by himself !

He would tell me stories of his Grandpa raising horses and going to the horse races with him. And how they had ponies and horses growing up.
It is so sad for me because I miss him telling me stories... He never seemed to run out of them.

I also miss the wealth of information he had. He knew how to fix anything. When his accident first happened I did not know how to open the hood of our van because there was a trick to it. It seemed everything John had there was a trick to it!

So after about 3 weeks when he was better I asked him how to open the hood of the van because Dad couldn't even get it open. He told me how and I did it and it opened just fine.

In the movie she is thinking of him just in the daily aspects of life and I do that so very much. I can see him in my minds eye so clearly saying I love you.. I see him going about his daily chores, just happy as a lark.

The accident stole so much from him, but he still was so strong.
He never once felt sorry for himself. He was always thinking of what he was going to do when he got home. He wanted to come home so very bad..

I still feel numb. In the movie the mom, played by Kathy Bates tells her daughter that she can't go on grieving forever.

I feel like there is no one who can tell another person when to quit grieving.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

It is a feeling of such complete aloneness. I have never felt so alone.

Even though I have my family.. I don't have John.

~Nita~

32 comments:

Mimi said...

there is nothing I can say to make you feel better...it is your grief and yours alone(missing your husband)
all I can do is tell you I am praying for you, and I love you...
Mimi

Thrifty Miss Priss said...

Oh Nita, I'm sure that movie must have been so very hard to watch...but hopefully it's part of your healing too. You have had your heart ripped out of your chest..thats a perfect way to describe it. I'm thinking and praying for you today sweetheart
xxoo
Robin

Bobbie said...

No one can say how long or how one must grieve, there is no right way.

God bless you and keep you close to him.

Vickie said...

Your heart will tell you when it's time. And you know what it will be so subtle that one day you'll go,"Oh, I'm going to be okay." There will always be times you'll feel sadness but it won't totally rip your heart out. In the mean time know while this is temporary, your love for John is forever.

Daughter of the King said...

There is no wrong or right in grief...it is a process, and for me ,rather long. You feel like dying but you do survive and you will, you are being held up in prayer by so so many people, that have never even met you in person.
It's all baby steps and sometimes even crawling. You will make it, even IF on some days you don't want to or think you won't. Don't rush, relish all these memories.
remember "Jesus Wept"
love to you and Elizabeth,
Deby

Donna said...

Little Love, You are the Only one who will say what happens in your life. Bless you and your children every day and know you're in my heart, always...hughugs

IsabellaCloset said...

Nita, I'm so very sorry for the pain you are going through. Loosing your precious John must be unbearable..You have been in my thoughts.
Loosing a loved one is so devastating, sadly I know.
My best friend lost her husband just a few months ago. You sound so much like her. Wish there was something to say to help make it better for you, but there is none.
Just know that my heart goes out to you have your family.
We do have our memories but most time it's just not enough.
God bless you. Hugs ~Mary~

Nonnie said...

nita,i am so sorry for your breaking heart and for elizabeths.....i can't even imagine the pain you are going through....i keep you in my heart and prayers.
hugs,
kimberly

JeannieTheDreamer said...

Dear Nita, just one day at a time. A second, a minute, a step at a time. That's all that matters, your minute right now. I promise you everything will be okay.

Jeannie

shabby chic said...

Hi Nita,
I dont think anyone can get over losing someone special.Knowing that you wont see them again is hard, and you will miss that person terribly . I know people say it gets a little easier with time.Perhaps thats it it gets easier?. But there is no time scale it could take lots of time for it to be easier . You go with how you feel.
You did well to go to the cinema and see a movie .
You are doing well , you are taliking through your blog and talking about how you feel. x Dominique

The Artful Eye said...

Dear Nita,
I'm thinking of you everyday and pray that you and your children find comfort in any small way possible. Many hugs and love.

Andrea

Laurie said...

Nita,
I am so sorry for the aloneness you are feeling right now. This makes my heart ache for you and Elizabeth. I can't imagine a more alone place than to be without the love of your heart and soul. I am praying that the Lord tenderly guides you in this valley you are in. Only He can heal the broken heart and bring joy and hope again, and He will. Only you will know when this time comes because you will feel it in there, lifting the sadness one little piece at a time.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

tangled stitch said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Everyone has their own timetable so don't worry that your's has not come yet. Bless you and your family.

Susan Ramey Cleveland said...

When darkness seems your only companion,tears drop without warning, and grief holds you captive, I pray God's love will wrap around you and bring you peace. (I didn't write this, Nita, but I feel it for you just the same.)

A bird in the hand said...

My dear friend, my John was Irish from Wexford in Ireland. My heart is with you. You are much braver than I; I could have never gone to see that movie so early on. On the other hand, I can see that it might have been cathartic. I think of you every day, mentally holding your hand, knowing full well what you are going through. Love, Colette

red tin heart said...

Mimi: You don't have to say anthing.. Just leaving a comment says it all. And thank you for your prayers. love nita

red tin heart said...

Robin: It was hard but it also was good. I could relate to her on so many levels, even though it is only a movie.
When she kept calling him on his phone to hear his message... I broke down so bad because I have called my cell phone to hear his messages to me so often. Just to hear his voice..
It showed the steps of grief.
And I look for signs of hope daily, and you praying for me gives me that. love nita

red tin heart said...

Bobbie: Thank you.. I pray God keeps you close to Him too dear Bobbie. love nita

red tin heart said...

Vickie: Thank you very much Vickie. You are very kind. love nita

red tin heart said...

Deby: I think your right, it takes baby steps. love nita

red tin heart said...

Donna: You are in my heart too. I hope you have a great weekend. love nita

red tin heart said...

Mary: Thank you for your kind words.. I will pray for your friend. Love Nita

red tin heart said...

Kimberly: Thank you. We need prayers. love nita

red tin heart said...

Jeannie: You are very comforting... Love nita

red tin heart said...

Dominique: It felt right to go. I was so happy that we did. We got to John's Ireland that he always wanted to go to. Even if it was a movie. There were so many similiarities to John. Love Nita

red tin heart said...

Andre: Thank you for your words they help.. love nita

red tin heart said...

Laurie: I am praying so much that He guides me too. I feel like I am leaning on God non-stop. It hurts so much.. Love Nita

red tin heart said...

Tangled Stitch: We all do have our own timetable. Thank you.. Love Nita

red tin heart said...

Susan: That is beautiful! And I don't care who wrote it. I love it... Love Nita

red tin heart said...

Colette: We have more in common than we know. My John always wanted to go to Ireland and that was a dream of ours. Love Nita

Jennifer said...

No one should tell anyone how long they should grieve. It's a very callous thing to say to someone in my opinion.

You do what you need to do to get by, even if it is day by day. Someone once told me "Small steps over time take you a long way". I was going through a very rough time at that point and couldn't even see how to get out of the situation that I got myself into - honestly at the time, I thought it was a corny saying and it didn't seem to make sense to me because I couldn't even decide what these little steps should be. But, this saying seems so true for you now. It's going to take a long time (and you take as long as you want or need to) but all the little things that you do for yourself, the memories that you share with us, the things others do for you, they will help you lessen the grief over time.

Treasure Barn said...

My dear dear Nita
I so much feel you pain.
God Bless You
I will be praying that soon the pain won't be so hard.

Love You
Patti

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