Elizabeth and I went to see PS i Love You tonight. It was such a great movie. Hillary Swank is the lead character in the movie. It is about a woman who loses her husband due to a brain tumor. He does something very neat though, as he is dying he writes her letters and has them delivered to her for the next year after his death. They are delivered at different times, and it seems like just when she needs them.

He knew he was dying and he took the opportunity to do something so wonderful to help her get over the grief of losing him. And to help guide her to a new life.

Me and Elizabeth cried through the whole movie because so many things reminded us of John.

John was part Irish and he was so proud of that. I always prepared corned beef and cabbage for him every St. Patricks day. I also made strawberry and rhubarb pie for him. I had to make 2 pies because he could eat a whole one by himself !

He would tell me stories of his Grandpa raising horses and going to the horse races with him. And how they had ponies and horses growing up.
It is so sad for me because I miss him telling me stories... He never seemed to run out of them.

I also miss the wealth of information he had. He knew how to fix anything. When his accident first happened I did not know how to open the hood of our van because there was a trick to it. It seemed everything John had there was a trick to it!

So after about 3 weeks when he was better I asked him how to open the hood of the van because Dad couldn't even get it open. He told me how and I did it and it opened just fine.

In the movie she is thinking of him just in the daily aspects of life and I do that so very much. I can see him in my minds eye so clearly saying I love you.. I see him going about his daily chores, just happy as a lark.

The accident stole so much from him, but he still was so strong.
He never once felt sorry for himself. He was always thinking of what he was going to do when he got home. He wanted to come home so very bad..

I still feel numb. In the movie the mom, played by Kathy Bates tells her daughter that she can't go on grieving forever.

I feel like there is no one who can tell another person when to quit grieving.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

It is a feeling of such complete aloneness. I have never felt so alone.

Even though I have my family.. I don't have John.

~Nita~