Blue mind

music for you to enjoy..it is peaceful..i like that

Parachute - She Is Love

i am love....

it is very hard for him, to decide, to stay with me...at times.

i had a job when we met and a car.

i was more broken than i had ever been before, really.

i had 6 broken ribs from being punched by a client at work..i had that bad cold everyone had last year. and every time i coughed my ribs poked me..oh, God i truly thought i was gonna die...

I thought i would die from the broken heart more than the broken ribs and cold..that my lover had left me with..

but, jim made love to me against his better judgement. when i had broken ribs

and i cried each time, like some lost child. because he was so caring...so loving.

and that truly touches me more than any thing, more than looks, a kind heart i prize most.

we have suffered horribly...

i look at him and i decide, right then, if he leaves cause he really can't take it. i am ok with that. because i will have cherished every moment that i have had with him.

i will cherish his strength, his craziness, his habit of carrying a book in his back pocket to read, that he likes to dog ear books like i do. i will cherish the way he crosses his legs. and the way he laughs... if he decides to go

I have been in wars. not in Vietnam or Korea ...but still in wars on the home front. just as bad as any battle over seas. haven't we all to a degree? had a war within us, and around us.

things that pull us apart at the seems...

but, this i know, i am a survivor...

and i hope he sees how valuable i am before he chooses...because i am love

nita

The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen

Life and All....

When I was a child. I knew it was my destiny to be a famous writer. A missionary from Africa prophesied this over me.

"Your words will reach many shores and they will change lives. You will speak to dead things and they shall come alive. You are life..Your words are life and they are powerful."

I don't see myself as poor. I see myself in a situation I know God will help me out of..Like the old man said, "There is only death for you here girl. Go home God isn't done with you yet."

When we see ourselves as poor, and have a poverty mentality, that will kill us quicker than anything.

Come on..When I see the sunrise in the morning my heart nearly beats out of my chest. I learned to appreciate my life after I was tied to a bed and tortured everyday by my 1st husband. {not John} Before him. I stayed with the 1st one from the time I was 15 till 20 years old.

When you have a bag over your head and are suffocating, you learn to appreciate each breath.

I do not feel sorry I endured that. It made me appreciate life so much more. I learned to survive in my mind, even if I was bleeding profusely while my face was punched and kicked at his whim.

I am not condoning or promoting torture. I am just saying I learned a very valuable lesson.

To enjoy each sunrise and sunset. To enjoy not being hit OR slapped when I give someone my opinion.

I learned to appreciate living.

So even though I don't have what I need right now. I will be content with what I do have. And work hard to make our lives better.

Because I can laugh, I can cry, I can have emotion without being hit for it. I can breath, I can eat, I can love.

Because really, love is the most important thing of all. That, and forgiveness, and vision for your life.

nita

Feist - I Feel It All

We went a long time without being able to seize the realization that John was never coming home..

Elizabeth and I fought over the property I bought her. We fought over everything.

She grew up...And began to understand what life was all about. Just in the last few months, this occurred.

And what a relief and blessing it has been.

It is like having an older sibling, and when you finally reach the age you can understand them, this releif floods your being.

Like we can talk about everything now, cause we are on the same level.

That is what happened, she understood me, and I understood her.

It was the realization that we had crossed that line, where all the bad crap I did in the last few years was absolved. And she realized I felt that same about her mistakes.

People who are grieving often do things other people who have never experienced grief, don't understand.

Death steals what we didn't want gone. Death is the realization they are never coming home. You will never fight, make love, scream, hug, kiss, tease...Those things will never happen again. Never, Never, Never, again. And that is a long damn time.

I realized how fragile life was and how temporary

When my car got taken, I mourned for 2 days. Then I said, "No More." I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I have always been that way. Sorrow and grief is much different that the spirit of self pity.

Almost a year after John died I went for surgery. Many of you know the story. But I have never talked about the hell I have went through since that surgery.

My colostomy was a surprise. Tumors that had grown on my ovaries. What was supposed to be a 2 day stay surgery turned into an 8 day hospital stay.

I will never forget when I woke up for the first time after surgery.

My sister and daughter were on each side of me crying. I asked them what was wrong.

They said I had to have a colostomy because my bowel had been smashed by the tumors. I said, "Did the surgery save my life?" They said yes, it had.

I said, "Then why are you crying? Aren't you happy I am alive?" And I smiled weakly.

They both immediately quit crying.

I wasn't happy I had a colostomy. But I was determined to be strong in the face of adversity and do the best I could do.

Having one, has been hell in varying degrees, but it also saved my life I believe. I had to learn to eat in a completely different way. Moderation.

I have Had co-workers make fun of me out of their ignorance. I was sprayed with Lysol at work one evening. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told this woman if she ever did it again..You get the jest of it. And then I calmly walked to the bathroom and got the spray and sprayed her down. I dared her to say something. She did not. This all happened because I told 1 person. Someone who appeared to be a friend. And she told everyone.

Colostomies do not have a smell unless it isn't on properly. And that is the truth.

Most people are UN-educated on the matter. I have learned to live through having it. And I decided being happy was the best choice to make. Because "I" Choose to be happy. I choose.

And, yet, many people are so sad and defeated, even when they have no handicaps.

I have 7 deteriorating disks, spinal stenosis, I am blind in my left eye and I have a colostomy. I suffer with depression. And I take medicine for it too.

Yet, I choose not to be defeated ....

I am living with my mother again till I get on my feet. My husband and me. Yet I will look for the good. Everyday, and I will seek beauty and faith.

to be continued.......

The song above goes with this post..I want you to get out of your chair and dance. Now! Ha

Jason Aldean - Laughed Until We Cried

I walked alone on the darkened street. It was raining and my mascara was streaked across my face. My hair was plastered to my cheeks and forehead, my clothes were soaked.


Elizabeth had to work that night, and then she spent the night at her friend Lucy's house.

And I was alone again..Thinking about him and going crazy. Hearing every argument we had ever had going through my mind like a dozen freight trains..The sorrow was so intense. I prayed to go back and right each one. I screamed at the sky..Not caring who heard me. It was 1:00 a.m in the morning. And I was a wounded animal.

I saw him then, the old man. The drunk whom I had saw at the park crying.

I had seen him the week before and stopped and put my hand on his shoulder as he cried. I didn't know him. But he was me, he was everyone who has lost their mind from sorrow. He reached up his weathered hand and covered mine.

"You wondering why an old foolish man is setting on a park bench crying?" He said through tear filled eyes.

I just nodded, I couldn't speak.


"She has been gone for 5 years today. She was the only person who ever truly understood me. And, when I smell peaches I see us in our orchard. She has her hair in curlers and I am looking at her wondering why she picked me. I had a lot of darkness in me. But she, She was light. Pure light. And he hung his head down and cried until the front of his shirt was soaked. I stood there and left my hand on his frail shoulder..Until he was done. I never said a word.

I walked away, and gave him a little wave and smiled softly and sadly. Cause I was where he was, just a shorter time frame.

And then I saw him again a week later, on the darkened corner.


The old man spoke from the shadows. "Girl why are you out here in the middle of the night? I knew that was you, I saw your face in the streetlight."

I don't know why, but I felt I owed him an explanation for my grief. After all he had shared his grief with me.

"I am alone in the world. My husband died and I am lost, so lost." I cried harder. This time he put his hand on my shoulder and let me cry.

When it passed, he said to me. "Go home girl, there is nothing out here for you but death. And God isn't done with you yet."

"Why would He even want me? I am a mess, my life is a mess," I said. My heart torn in a million pieces.

"People have made you feel foolish over your grief, haven't they? Unless you lose someone how could anyone truly understand?" He said softly.

"I had a breakdown when she died, and I tried killing myself 3 times. I couldn't bear it without her. She was my saviour in so many ways. She believed in me, I cheated on her a couple of times. She never said a word. But she knew. And then, I decided I could never bear to see that look on her face ever again. So I quit. When I did it I was just running from the only person who ever truly loved me. And I was scared of being loved. Because then you are vulnerable. But I decided being vulnerable to her wasn't so bad. Because she had proven to me she wasn't going to hurt me.." He smiled then. It was a lovely smile born from grief and understanding.

"So go home girl, go home."

And I did.


I don't know if the old man was an angel, or just a man posing as a human angel. But I won't ever forget, how we in our sorrow, can reach another human being who is sharing the same sorrow. Sometimes without saying one word.

Nita @ 2011

If i die young-The Band Perry (LYRICS)

My favorite song...right now

Part 2

By the time we got the money from John's settlement.. I was over run with bills.. I had to pay my Mom back. I helped each one of my kids. I fixed our house with a new roof, got it re-wired, got a foundation for the house..


I was not able to save anything.. People borrowed from me and never paid me back..It was everything in one bad combination.

Elizabeth's spleen got worse..Then would get better. It has stabilized quite a bit.

Elizabeth is moving soon. To a new location. I want to keep her privacy. But she has a job there already and an apartment and a cute boyfriend who is going with her..They are talking marriage..


Me, I am searching for my space in the world. Writing is what I love most, and taking photo journeys...But I need to find a way to make money doing it.

For many years I have suffered depression. I finally got medicine last January. It has helped very much. But there are days when life is so overwhelming nothing helps but praying.

I have had to learn how to live a new life. Because when you don't want someone to die...And they do, it is like you step outside when everything is going right, and when you step back in...Your world is gone, and you know you are never getting it back.

to be continued.....tomorrow

Chuck Wicks - Stealing Cinderella

This video is about my baby, my 21 year old daughter whom I loved even before she was born..When I first saw her sonogram she had her little hands clasped together, as in prayer. I did not know she would be combination Angel and combination SHE DEVIL.' I am laughing as I type this. And yet, the tears come as often with each paragraph.,.

When Elizabeth was born. John was so proud of her..But the 1st question I asked him when we got home was: If I told you this baby wasn't yours and was another man's would you still love her, and what would you do?"

He said, "I would throw this glass baby bottle and hit you in the head. And yes, I would still love her. But she has a jaw like mine so I think you are safe. " And he smiled the most devious smile.

I am very onry if you haven't noticed. Onry meaning quite mischievous, at all times. I struggle with being too alive, you know what I mean? If you don't let me explain. I usually feel so alive and full of life that I am overflowing. Even on my dark days I can talk myself out of them. And that is how Elizabeth is too. She took me in after John died..As in her fold of friends. I got to become a teenager.
I had never been one before. My childhood and teen times were viciously ripped from my helpless hands.

We went for pancake runs every Thursday, to I-Hop or to Denny's at 12:00 a.m ...We went to the City Museum..Often.

The founder just died in a tragic accident and Elizabeth called me weeping. I wept with her. Because we spent so many times at the City Museum..Not to confused with St. Louis Art Museum.

We went there when John was alive..And he loved it. It is the only place I know that has a 14 story Ferris Wheel on top of the building. It has an 11 story slide..It has a 3 story slide. There is an architectural element room. We all loved..Filled with gargoyles and and odd pieces of history. I am telling you these things to show you what we did in the last few years..How Elizabeth saved us both, and I guess, how I saved her too.

The year John died we could not do anything. We stayed in our nightgowns for a full year..Crying on our couches. Eating, sleeping, watching tv. Our sorrow was so intense. We barely made it. We would visit his grave every other day because everyday was unbearable.



When John first heard this song he burst into tears..He said, "What are we gonna do when Sis is gone Nita?" W e both held each other and cried.

Elizabeth was our baby and before he died..Me and John and Elizabeth did everything together. But we were all too close. Death of a loved one makes you want to die with them when you are as close we all were.

Elizabeth hit a full on rebellion when John died. She cussed me she back talked. But I loved her all the more, because pain makes us all a little crazy at times. And she had never had a rebellion before.

She missed her Dad more than anyone ever realized and it affected her greatly. She is just now getting her life together..


To be continued.......

Eli Young Band - Crazy Girl

thanks Jim....

Me & Jim

Jim loves me cause I am silly.....


I have some terrible confessions to make. This week I have been extremely mischievous I went to Hardees and used the restroom and it stunk so bad I went and told the man at the counter, that they may have a sewer problem..This man has been really sweet to me. It is safe to say the devil made me do it.

I yelled weird at a poor drunk stumbling home from the bar. He flipped me off, and I laughed, and said God bless you. Then he laughed. No harm no foul. Just oddities.

I stopped and spoke to some Jehovah witnesses, and I sincerely told them I thought they showed perseverance going out everyday and seeking people for the Lord. Then an hour later I passed them and my car was full of cigarette smoke and I was singing a George Thouroughgood song. I am sure they are praying for my soul as we speak.


Check out my posts below..They go clear to the 2nd page


xoxo Nita

Letter to a John - Ani DiFranco

My daughter introduced me to this artist...And I love her. This song strikes a deep chord.

Blast From the Past...

My sister was cleaning out her beauty shop today, and when I stopped by for lunch, I snapped this. I take my camera everywhere so I can take shots.

Jeannie Seely -- Don't Touch Me

just discovered this..Eleni Mandell does a great rendition of this

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings...

Jamie's bird

3 Cats......

Took all these photos today

The Lark Ascending - Ralph Vaughan Williams

One more version...Just going to meditate on good things today...join me in thought

The Lark Ascending - Vaughan Williams - Violin - Michael Bochmann, Engli...

Music like this makes me feel that there is true beauty in the world..Have you ever just wanted something pure? Not tainted by vulgarity or perversion..I want to be pure...Like this


Nita

1-2 Janine Jansen The Lark Ascending

i feel this with my whole heart.........

Ray Lamontagne - Can I stay

i am just tired...so tired...i want to sleep with no pain..and thank you Donna..I got your card today...i never forgot anyone of you..i just didn't have a computer for 8 months...still have Elizabeth's for about a week..then? i don't know


night night everyone..pray i sleep and dream good dreams..and i will pray for you too


nita

Sunsets from this past week...

Jeremy Camp - I Still Believe (Lyrics)

I have been up since 3:00 a.m...The pain is so intense in my back I can barely stand it. I have walked around, stretched ...Trying to be quiet so I do not wake anyone.

This song, sums up how I feel. I may have pain, physical and mental. But I still believe.


I believe in God's goodness...

In this storm He is here..My husband prayed for me before I went to sleep and it helped me very much. I slept for 5 hours.


I love him....And I feel all things work out for those who love the Lord.

If you are up this morning and stumble upon my blog...I send you hope. Whatever situation you are in...There is hope.


Nita