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Friday, October 7, 2011

We went a long time without being able to seize the realization that John was never coming home..

Elizabeth and I fought over the property I bought her. We fought over everything.

She grew up...And began to understand what life was all about. Just in the last few months, this occurred.

And what a relief and blessing it has been.

It is like having an older sibling, and when you finally reach the age you can understand them, this releif floods your being.

Like we can talk about everything now, cause we are on the same level.

That is what happened, she understood me, and I understood her.
It was the realization that we had crossed that line, where all the bad crap I did in the last few years was absolved. And she realized I felt that same about her mistakes.

People who are grieving often do things other people who have never experienced grief, don't understand.

Death steals what we didn't want gone. Death is the realization they are never coming home. You will never fight, make love, scream, hug, kiss, tease...Those things will never happen again. Never, Never, Never, again. And that is a long damn time.

I realized how fragile life was and how temporary

When my car got taken, I mourned for 2 days. Then I said, "No More." I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I have always been that way. Sorrow and grief is much different that the spirit of self pity.

Almost a year after John died I went for surgery. Many of you know the story. But I have never talked about the hell I have went through since that surgery.

My colostomy was a surprise. Tumors that had grown on my ovaries. What was supposed to be a 2 day stay surgery turned into an 8 day hospital stay.

I will never forget when I woke up for the first time after surgery.
My sister and daughter were on each side of me crying. I asked them what was wrong.

They said I had to have a colostomy because my bowel had been smashed by the tumors. I said, "Did the surgery save my life?" They said yes, it had.

I said, "Then why are you crying? Aren't you happy I am alive?" And I smiled weakly.

They both immediately quit crying.

I wasn't happy I had a colostomy. But I was determined to be strong in the face of adversity and do the best I could do.

Having one, has been hell in varying degrees, but it also saved my life I believe. I had to learn to eat in a completely different way. Moderation.

I have Had co-workers make fun of me out of their ignorance. I was sprayed with Lysol at work one evening. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told this woman if she ever did it again..You get the jest of it. And then I calmly walked to the bathroom and got the spray and sprayed her down. I dared her to say something. She did not. This all happened because I told 1 person. Someone who appeared to be a friend. And she told everyone.

Colostomies do not have a smell unless it isn't on properly. And that is the truth.
Most people are UN-educated on the matter. I have learned to live through having it. And I decided being happy was the best choice to make. Because "I" Choose to be happy. I choose.

And, yet, many people are so sad and defeated, even when they have no handicaps.

I have 7 deteriorating disks, spinal stenosis, I am blind in my left eye and I have a colostomy. I suffer with depression. And I take medicine for it too.

Yet, I choose not to be defeated ....

I am living with my mother again till I get on my feet. My husband and me. Yet I will look for the good. Everyday, and I will seek beauty and faith.
to be continued.......





The song above goes with this post..I want you to get out of your chair and dance. Now! Ha






5 comments:

Maija said...

Omg. I have been so out of the loop dealing with my own life struggles! I didn't realize how you have suffered physically as well as mentally! I'm sorry I havent been around to offer my friendship and support! Oxox

Out on the prairie said...

You have continued with strength through all.I enjoy your voice you write with.

~Red Tin Heart~ said...

Maija, it is so wonderful hearing from you.. But you are here now..I wasn't around for anyone either, I was stuck in a sorrow I couldn't break. I am just now getting free. We shall be here for each other now dear friend..

love nita

~Red Tin Heart~ said...

Prairie Man, I tried finding your name on your site..I must not be looking hard enough..LoL

Thank you for your comment. I truly appreciate it. And thanks for the comment on the song too.

I was interested in the comment you made about doing an article in such a place.

Sincerely, Nita

black crow said...

amazing song !

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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
—G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936); writer, critic
"There will come
a time
when you believe
everything is finished.
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"Wisdom is knowing what to do next;
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exert from
The Philosophy of Despair
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Samuel Taylor Coleridge
~Wishes are free~
So why not make one?
Psalm 138:7

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