Life goes so fast... One minute John and I were making plans for a new home. Then I was making plans for his funeral. I picked out all of his favorite songs and we burned them on a disk to play at the visitation and for the funeral.
My children and I sat and picked out all of our favorite pictures of him and us we had it made in a slideshow to play along with the music we had for John. We had 150 photos picked out. Elizabeth stayed up to 4:00 a.m. scanning them.
I put him in his Levi's and a John Deere shirt. He would have loved that.
That was John. He was not about suits. He would have haunted me if I would have put a suit on him.
He actually had a smile on his face. A little smile... I can't quit crying.
It is so lonley without him.
I dreamed about him last night.. He put his arms around me and showed me where he was staying in Heaven. He was by a little pond in a camper. He had a little bon fire by the pond. I know that sounds funny, but that is what we always wanted. A little pop up camper to go camping with.
He said , "Honey I am good. I am happy."
I said, " But I miss you so much." He put his arms around me and I woke up.

I have wandered around in shock. It does not seem real yet.
~Nita~

song, Fall by Clay Walker
This was John ..

I lost my sister when I was 13 . I learned at that time to cherish every day.

I also lost a brother 8 years ago, and that made me realize how short life was as well.

When I was with John i learned to cherish every good moment, because there were dark moments. When I was with him I soaked in his features. I memorized his birthmarks. I memorized the color of his eyes, and how they would change in different settings.

I memorized his touch, his kiss..

So many times he was my comforter.
When I could not understand the hell I went through as a child, he would talk to me. He helped me to see things in bettter eyes.

My blogging friend Laura wrote how she wanted to die after her husband died. I wanted to die when John died. I just remember thinking this is not fair, you left without me.

He was the only person who ever understood me completely, now he is gone...

I heard this song a few weeks ago and just started to cry. I was driving, and I had to pull over. I just sat there for a few minutes and calmed down.

I thought about how much I loved John. Thoughts ran through my mind of him laughing at a joke he told 1,000 times. The way he looked at me when I had Elizabeth. The love in his eyes at that very moment melted my heart.
How much we had stuck together through all the trials... How we had grown as people.

song, Like You'll Never See Me Again by Alicia Keys

We buried John today. I stood by his casket and looked at him for the last time. I didn't want to leave him. All I could think when I left the graveside services was how cold it was and how he would be cold.
He loved me. He was not perfect, but I learned so much from him. He had the first birthday party I had ever had for me when I turned 21. I had never had an Easter dinner until I met him.
I have always been insecure about my looks, but he told me everyday I was beautiful. When he would leave for work he would always kiss me good by.
When he was at work he called me everyday at his lunch hour to tell me he loved me. It hurts so much right now I can barely breathe.
I am trying to be strong for Elizabeth, I have to.
When I am alone it is the worst.. All I do is think about him.
Yesterday I called his phone because I wanted him to answer it...
I talked to him everyday, I won't know what to do anymore since I can't talk to him..
Song, Wouldn't be this way by Leann Rymes
This is how I feel right now
~nita~

My John died tonight at 12:30 a.m.
I can't believe this as I write it. It seems like a bad dream I am about to wake up from. The doctor said it was more than a cold. He also suffered from an infection that he got when he was operated on. He had it in his bone and it had spread.
I am in shock.
We had talked on the phone several times yesterday and he was not feeling well, and neither was I. But now he is gone.
And I have lost my best friend...
No matter what trials we suffered through, and some were bad. I loved him with my whole heart.
I was with him when he passed. He had went into a coma after being taken to the hospital and he came out of it a few minutes before I walked in. He was waiting on me... I took his hand and told him I loved him, he nodded like I love you too and squeezed my hand. Elizabeth took his other hand and told him she loved him. And A few hours later he was gone.
Please pray for Elizabeth and my sons and me. We are devastated.
~Nita~