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Thursday, February 7, 2008

I lost my sister when I was 13 . I learned at that time to cherish every day.

I also lost a brother 8 years ago, and that made me realize how short life was as well.

When I was with John i learned to cherish every good moment, because there were dark moments. When I was with him I soaked in his features. I memorized his birthmarks. I memorized the color of his eyes, and how they would change in different settings.

I memorized his touch, his kiss..

So many times he was my comforter.
When I could not understand the hell I went through as a child, he would talk to me. He helped me to see things in bettter eyes.

My blogging friend Laura wrote how she wanted to die after her husband died. I wanted to die when John died. I just remember thinking this is not fair, you left without me.

He was the only person who ever understood me completely, now he is gone...

I heard this song a few weeks ago and just started to cry. I was driving, and I had to pull over. I just sat there for a few minutes and calmed down.

I thought about how much I loved John. Thoughts ran through my mind of him laughing at a joke he told 1,000 times. The way he looked at me when I had Elizabeth. The love in his eyes at that very moment melted my heart.
How much we had stuck together through all the trials... How we had grown as people.

song, Like You'll Never See Me Again by Alicia Keys

39 comments:

Sweet Irene said...

I just want to give you my heart felt condolences and wish you a lot of strength and say that I am ever so sorry that you have lost your husband at such an early age and that I am sorry that Elizabeth has to do without a father now.

red tin heart said...

Swwet Irene: thank you .. my heart does not believe it is real yet. nita

Liz said...

I am just reading about your loss and I am so very sorry. Thoughts and prayers are with you, Elizabeth and your sons.

Nathalie Thompson said...

Big (((hugs))) and gentle thoughts. Thinking of you today.

red tin heart said...

liz: thank you.. xoxo nita

red tin heart said...

Nathalie: thank you dear heart.. your kindness is so appreciated. i am broken.
xoxo nita

Laurie said...

Nita,

Praying for you tonight in your brokenness. This is not the way it should have been and my heart hurts so much for you. There is nothing fair in one leaving before the other, it leaves a life in ruins. I have read back through your entire blog here and I know you will get through this. I know that it will not be any time soon, and the road so uncertain, but you have faith in God and He will not abandon you, even if you don't feel like talking to Him, it is okay. I will pray for you and Elizabeth to find strength for each new day.

Laurie in Ca.

kecia said...

i know it is hard to type out those raw intense feeling, but i like reading the "realness" of it. thank you for sharing the sadness in your heart. i think later, it will help you feel better.

Jane said...

Love and hugs and many, many prayers for you.

Laura said...

Nita, you haven't left my thoughts ever since I read about John. It's just not fair for you and Elizabeth. I am always here if you need anything.

Much love to you

Just Joni said...

Nita, I have spent a great deal of my evening with you...reading through old posts and comments of others and although I do not know you, I wish I did. I am in awe of the frienships that are formed through this blogosphere and if you gather any comfort at all knowing so many people care, please know that I join them in offering my heart felt sympathy and I hope that you can find peace and comfort in all things remembered...just know that time is a healer and you are not alone.
Please take care.

My Treasure Barn said...

My dear Nita
I love the song. It says so much. You are blessed to have had John in your life. I am so sorry for your loss and the emptiness you are feeling.

Time will heal your wounds and until then be strong and be positive as you always are. Looks like you have the support of all your fellow bloggers . You are a wonderful beautiful person Nita and you will go on.

John may not be with you in the flesh but you know he is with you in spirit and he loves you as does God.

I think of you every day and I pray that God gives you strength once again. You have been over many hills but this I know is a mountain and with his love for you, you will reach the top.

I am here if you need me.
Much Love
xoxoxo
Patti

red tin heart said...

Patti, i received the valentine today. it means so much to me. i am going to frame it..
john would have loved it. he really liked stuff like that. he was very sentimental. thank you for being my friend. love nita

red tin heart said...

Laurie: You amaze me. It is so neat that you have read through my entire blog! Your words comfort me. I am so touched by the hundreds of people who have reached out to me. Thank you Laurie.. love nita

red tin heart said...

Jane: Thank you... xoxo nita

Linda said...

My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Linda

Thrifty Miss Priss said...

Nita, I'm so sorry for all your losses! When your sister and brother passed it showed you to cherish your time with your loved ones. I'm glad you realized that as so many of us don't and take our time with them for grantid. Keep writing Nita, I know it will only help in the long run. Your pain is so raw right now...please reach out to someone you can talk to-even if it's your blogfriends through e-mail. You know i'm here for you!
big hugs for you today! And so many many thoughts and prayers
Robin

Donna said...

My little love...My thoughts and prayers are constantly with you...not a day goes by that I don't picture you and your family, with warmth, love and happiness...and light. We're "all" here for you baby. Lean on us, all you need...

Anonymous said...

Nita, I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my father last April pretty much they way you lost John, Dad did not linger he passed on the next day. This has been one of my favorite things that I read. Once again let me tell you how sorry I am.


God saw you were getting tired

and a cure was not to be,

so he put his arms around you

and whispered "Come to me...".

With tearful eyes we watched

and saw you pass away.

Although we love you dearly,

we couldn't make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,

hard working hands at rest.

God broke our hearts to prove to us,

He only takes the best.



(This poem was sent in by a visitor to my site...

in memory of Grandma Fran)

shabby chic said...

Hi Nita,
I am here with you & I am here for good. You have a blogging pal & friend in me for always. I am thinking of you and hope you are being kind & gentle to yourself. Go with how you feel and rememeber all those good times with John. You will cherish all those memories & think of all the happy times & the times you made each other laugh. He is all around you.
all my love
Dominique x

Jeanette said...

Someone sent the above poem from anonymous to me when my mom passed away from lung cancer 5 years ago. It made me cry then and it made me cry now when I read it. I cried for you and your daughter, Laura and her kids and anyone that has lost a loved one too early (which is anytime, really). I am keeping you in my prayers and in my thoughts.

Carmen said...

Thank you lovely lady for sharing this with us! to make us think and appreciate the now...
love and light to you.
xx

Lori Garbarino said...

Nita, I don't know if you realize this but You have already come so far since John passed, you have started writing again and you have even found the time to respond. Your healing process, however slowly, has begun. Use this blog as an outlet, Let these women hold you up when you need it. Sometimes we as women forget that that's what we do, We hold each other up, We pray for each other, we laugh and cry with each other. We are here for you.

You have proved to be such a strong Women, Wife and Mother, I am proud to have this connection with you. YOU CAN DO THIS!, We will find a way and We are all with you.

I just want you to be encouraged even though everything feels dark right now you will see the light.

I have two songs for you, the first one I pray inspires hope. "HERE COMES THE SUN" BY THE BEATLES.

and the second one is a gift for a time later when you are ready, My Mother has told of a time right after she lost her first born Child, she said she walked around in total daze for months and she remembers driving down the Freeway on her way back to San Diego to drop by dad off at the Ship (Navy). It was raining and they came around the curve and a the light broke through the clouds as this song came on " I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW THE RAIN IS GONE" BY JOHNNY NASH , It was as if God himself gave her permission to feel better and she held on to it until it became the truth in her heart.

It may be to early for these now but maybe you can unwrap them when you are ready.

with Love,Inspiration, Respect, and Hope,

xoxoxo Lori Garbarino

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss - I know there are no words that can ease the pain. Just know you are strong, its okay to cry, and there are those of us that understand.

I lost my husband, Todd, suddenly 3 years ago - writing is healing - keep doing it! I've been on this journey for 3 years now - reach out to others around you travelling the same path - it will help you immensely.

Please take care of yourself...Blessings.

Kelly

Nonnie said...

have you in my heart and prayers, nita.....i listened to the song you mentioned....thank you for sharing....the present is such a gift and thank you for reminding me....i pray for your comfort.
kimberly

SweetAnnee said...

I is WELL with My Soul..
I'm praying for you dear!!
if you ever need to talk
I'm here..I'll call YOU
email whatever..Much love!!
deena

Vie Chaotique said...

Sorry for your loss

The French Nest said...

Nita,

I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express my sorrow. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

xo Kate

vintagemoonstudio said...

I know there are no words to express the sadness but please know that my most fervent prayers are lifted for you, dear one, and your family. May God grant you strength, peace and in time, understanding. Deb

The Feathered Nest said...

I wish I could hug you Nita...

kathyann said...

Nita,
I sent this to Deena at Can I Be Pretty In Pink,she started her chemo this week! I am sending it to you also!
May You Be Blessed

www.blessyoumovie.com

I hope you take comfort in this message!
With much love from Kathyann and the girls at meg's mum's muffins

Shelley said...

Dear Nita, thinking of you today!

May God be with you, Shelley

Just Joni said...

kindness and friendship are interchangable and I thank you for accepting both...I hope your days are getting better. It keeps the mind busy to visit all of these wonderful blogs and I certainly thank you for visiting mine.

Joni

Bethany said...

There is nothing I can find to say that will take away the unreal deep pain you must be feeling...Dear Nita...I just send my love to you and Elizabeth....I am keeping you close to my heart and in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot imagine that feeling of losing that other half of me like you lost yours :( I am soo tremendously sorry and wish I could wipe away the tears and hold your hand and promise to make it all be better for you....all I can do is pray dear lady cause Jesus is the only one who can help you right now. I know he's holding John close to His heart and He has His other hand over yours and your daughters hearts keeping all the pieces together. xxxooo

Mimi said...

I am so very sorry that you and Elizabeth will be alone without John,
I pray for God to make you feel his presence and give you the comfort that you need right now to get through this feeling of loss and aloneness...
Remember the good times and God will hold you in his arms..
{{Hugs and prayers}}
Mimi

GreenishLady said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and to your family.

Amy Wagner said...

Nita, Thanks for telling us about those sweet, tender memories.
Amy

Susan Ramey Cleveland said...

Embrace the tears, Nita. They help wash away the grief. God blessing you.

Vickie said...

Nita I wish I could hug you! I'm praying for comfort for you and the children. I know words don't really help but know that there are so many people here for you. I just want to cry when I think about you and John. Just remember his touch and grace will be with you.

Please know I'm here for you.

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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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And for the Jewish people who live there. May God give them the strength they need to defeat their enemies.
“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
—G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936); writer, critic
"There will come
a time
when you believe
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That will be the beginning."
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"Wisdom is knowing what to do next;
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