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Thursday, March 13, 2008

I can't predict when one goes from feeling immense sorrow, to not feeling immense sorrow...

Because I have been blindsided. I found this singer on the radio yesterday and he sang how I felt. If you have time please listen to this song. Blindsided by Bon Ivers.

There is a line in in it that says, " I am crippled and slow...
I feel that way.

" My heart has suffered a terrible blow."

I've received a few well meaning e-mails about getting over grief. I don't think anyone has tried to hurt me. But I am not ready to be over this yet.

It has only been a month since John's death.


I'm bathing, cooking, cleaning, paying bills. I am there for Elizabeth and my boys.

But there is a time for grieving.

I search for hope everyday.. But I have lost my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my husband.

I will never be kissed by him again. I will never make love to him again.

When my sister-in-law lost my brother it took a long time for her life to re-turn to a somewhat normal existence.

I am trying my hardest ....

~nita~

If you click on the menu while playing the song it will take you to other songs by this artist. There is another song he sings that is called,
Skinny Love that is beautiful.

He sings with an aching rawness in this song. It spoke to me in volumes. He shouts some of the words in this song so beautifully. He wants you to feel his passion. His hurt...

43 comments:

PixieDust said...

This kind of wound is so deep, it will certainly take time... I lit a candle yesterday in the beautiful holder you gifted me... it was to help lighten your dreams and your heart...

Love to you, mi Amor...

(((HUGS))),
Me

red tin heart said...

Pixie: Thank you for all your comments. You are such a beautiful person and I wish I could meet you in person as well. Maybe someday we will. Love Nita

Anonymous said...

It's all in your own time....My husbad has been gone for 3 years now, and though some things have become more manageable, the ache is still there and I know it will always be.

Kelly

Laurie said...

Sweet Nita,

I don't even think one month is enough time to thaw out from the shock and numb reality of John not being with you anymore. There is no set time for grieving as you well know. Even though I wish I could somehow fix this devastation for you, I can't and won't even begin to say how you should be feeling. This loss is so HUGE and such a terrible blow. Sometimes I don't feel I should even comment that I am praying for you as I feel this is such holy ground for you. I know you are trying your hardest, I read it in your posts and I hurt with you. There is no right way, just the way you can face each day with the Lords grace, which He says is sufficient. I think of you daily and pray that you find little treasures of light in the dark. I think they are called HOPE. I don't know much about this grief you are walking in, but I know that I don't know it personally. I am learning about it through you and you sharing your sweet heart here.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

jessamyn said...

again,nita....i can't imagine....and i've never heard of a time limit on grief......feel what you feel...that is all you can do, and trust in God.
hugs and prayers,
kimberly

jessamyn said...

jessamyn is actually me....nonnie, nita....

shabby chic said...

To Nita,

Grief does have no time limit. I dont think anyone can get over losing their soul mate. This is the person you were going to live your whole life out with and you must feel empty, numb.
You have just got to feel how you want to feel, maybe one day it may not feel so raw and painfull as it is now. But he will always be in your thoughts. I can see how much you loved and adored him.
You just make sure you eat well, rest and relax and take a walk in nature and take in all the things like the smell of the grass, the feel of the breeze on your skin. x Dom

Mimi said...

special {{{Hugs}}} for you and Elizabeth today...How is Elizabeth doing?
going to school probably gives her life a little more normalcy ...but it doesn't make it any easier....
I know your arms are empty...and I am so very sorry.....
Love,
Mimi

Treasure Barn said...

I am with you in your grief Nita.
I think of you every day . Time heals all wounds and my prayers are that God will help you through this pain and grief.

I am here if you need me.

Love You
God Bless
Wonderful songs. Kind of speak for you huh?
Patti

A bird in the hand said...

I think I mentioned this before: that people seem to think you get "over it" in a couple of months. Your pain, your loss, is still raw, still horrendous, and no one should trivialize that.

The truth is, it won't truly sink in until several months later; then the true bereavement will start. And you will go through the stages of bereavement, until you come out at the other end, knowing that you will never "get over it" -- you will learn to live with it. It will be part of your history. But, yes, you will find peace and happiness again.

Meanwhile, however long it takes, I hope you know I will always support you.

Donna said...

Am sending rainbows your way today little love....(((giant hug)))

JeannieTheDreamer said...

hi Nita... Take your time okay? Don't worry about others.. one day at a time... God bless...

Jeannie

velvet brick said...

Dear girl,
Please, please do not put a time frame on grieving. This journey belongs only to you...and only you will know how far you have travelled on it and how much you have left to go. I had to divorce my husband after a horrendous situation...and I JUST... JUST turned the corner on it all two weeks ago... 27 months after my world crashed all around me. So please ... take all the time you need. We are in no hurry and are only too willing to walk this path with you for as long as it takes. Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself feel.

Sending a prayer to you this minute.

xox
VB

Anonymous said...

Losing someone you deeply love is a great loss. I've not lost my husband,but I have lost my daddy. I thought I could never have happiness again, even though I knew the Lord and held to His promises. I found that grief is a journey and it is a slow one. Sometims it takes a long time to heal. The depth of your love for that person has a lot to do with it. I found that people want you to be happy so much that they tend to push you a little to do so, but you can only move at your own pace. You will get there one day. I am confident that you will. I did even though there are still times of saddness. I know that the Lord will comfort you as you need it and slowly move you ahead to joy in living again. Take all the time you need and don't try to hold back the tears. They help cleanse your soul I think. Sleep well my friend for your Father watches over you and your loved one.
In His Service
Sandra

The Artful Eye said...

Dear Nita,
I think of you everyday so that you are not alone.

Love, hugs and lot's of prayers for your comfort.

Just Joni said...

Nita, don't worry about the time frame of others, your heart will heal when you're not looking. The sweetness of time will creep in and refresh your sweet spirit...but all in due time.

I wish I could give you a big hug ~
Joni

whimseycreations said...

Of course you are trying your hardest Nita and there is no timetable for grief. So if you receive comments about it - I'm sure they are trying to be helpful in some way - it's hard to know what is right to say when we haven't been thru the same thing. A month is one teardrop in time. Take as long as your soul needs. Hugs! Jill

Jan said...

Grief is very personal and no one else can tell you how or how long to grieve. Just know that many care about you and are praying for you. May you be comforted as you continue through the process of your grief.
Blessings,
Jan
sharingencouragement.wordpress.com

Shelley said...

Hello Dear Nita, I don't believe one ever gets totally past their grief over a dear loved one. I do believe after a long time we can come to terms with it and learn to cope ,with the Lord's help of course. I think you are doing very well and being very strong for the sake of your children. I pray the Lord will continue to give you strength day by day.

Blessings,Shelley

The Mom said...

Just want you to know I read your blog and am touched by your feelings; thinking of you
Love from England
H
www.jhtplus12.blogspot.com

Rae said...

Sometimes I come across someone in the wide blog world who inspires me beyond inspiration. I feel so small next to you, bravely writing through your grief, writing your story.

I feel so much love for you, just from reading a few of your posts. I am so sorry for your loss and will be here as a friend, as much as I can be, reading with you.

josie66 said...

Dear Nita, you have a gift with your writings. The way you express yourself. I believe you can be a top seller. I urge you to consider publishing your web journal. It may prove to be theraputic as well as giving the world the opportunity to read your story in your amazing words. I happened upon your page quite by accident but stayed becuase I was drawn to you as if I already knew you, John and Elizabeth. I wish you peace in your heart knowing that you express great love for John and your daughter before his death as well as after. Those emotions are raw and would honor his life and allow the world to see what a loved man John was. Love Joanne

josie66 said...

Dear Nita, I came upon your page quite by accident but found myself reading about your sadness and joys. I do believe that you should save your journal and publish it. You have a way of expressing yourself that makes people want to know you. It may be a wonderful way to memorialize and mourn your beloved John. Re-reading old entries may be a form of therapy and help you on this difficult journey. Possibly Elizabeth writing a few chapters of her life's experience would not only make it more interesting for the reader but therapeutic for her as well. I can see you have a gift and you should embrace it and share it on more than a web page.

red tin heart said...

Pixie: You are right. I think time is the only thing that helps. Thank you for lighting a candle for me. Love to you friend..
xoxo nita

red tin heart said...

Kelly: It is good to hear from you. I am glad to hear it does get easier. xoxo Nita

red tin heart said...

Laurie: You are so kind and thoughtful with with your responses.
I am grateful that you pray for me daily. Nothing helps more than prayer. Thank you. xoxo nita

red tin heart said...

Kimberly: I love your other site as well as your first one. It is really neat. Thank you for your words of encouragement. xoxo nita

red tin heart said...

Dominique: I am going to get out more and take some walks. I think it would help me very much.
xoxo nita

red tin heart said...

Mimi: Elizabeth is taking her Dad's passing very hard, but she is doing her best to get along. We both try to stay busy. Thank you for your thoughts..
xoxo nita

red tin heart said...

Patti: Thank you for listening to the songs. They do speak for me. Music is a huge part of my life. I have music on from the time I get up till I go to bed. Elizabeth and I rarely watch tv anymore. We rent movies about once a week.
I am with you to my friend and I pray for you daily. Love you, nita

red tin heart said...

Colette: Thank you. You are a kind and generous spirit. Much love is being sent your way. xoxo Nita

red tin heart said...

Donna: i love rainbows. i have always seen them as a sign of hope. thank you. love nita

red tin heart said...

Jeannie: YOU are a sweetheart. Thank you for your words Jeannie.
I hope you have a blessed weekend.
love nita

red tin heart said...

VB: You have went through a traumatic thing yourself, that is so hard.
But you encourage me...
Thank you. I take your words to heart.
xoxo Nita

red tin heart said...

Sandra: It is hard to lose a parent. I want to thank you for taking the time to leave me a comment.
Your words have encouraged me greatly.
xoxo nita

and you are right... i can only move at my own pace.

red tin heart said...

Artful Eye: I need to hear that. Thank you..
love nita

red tin heart said...

Joni: i wish you could give me a hug too. i need one..
thank you for your sweet comments.. love nita

red tin heart said...

Jill: A month is a short time. It seems so sad to me that when I think that he would have been home this month and now he is gone.
xoxo Nita

red tin heart said...

Jan: It is a personal process, but sometimes in our little town it is all to public.

I have seen people at the store and they have said, " Well you like you are doing ok."
But they don't know my private pain. They only assume by my appearance I am ok. That is far from the truth.
Thank you Jan for your words they are so true.
xoxo Nita

red tin heart said...

Shelley: I think that is true, learning to cope. That has been the hardest for me. Finding friends who truly understand in my town.
It is wonderful to find people on the blog who understand and care, but I need more friends in my life here where I am.

I am just trying to keep busy, and trying not to give up.
xoxo Nita

red tin heart said...

The Mom: Think you for leaving a response. I checked out your site and it is very sweet. You are a very family oriented person. That is good.
xoxo Nita

red tin heart said...

Joanne: What wonderful compliments. Thank you. I have considered publishing my web journal.
I think it could be theraputic too.
Thank you... xoxox Nita

Kip said...

Hi Nita,
I'm not sure how I found your blog but started reading it and going back in the older posts to catch up and was really mesmerized by your writing and thoughts. You take the time you need to grieve, no one can tell you how long it takes, only you will know when the sun starts looking a little brighter. My thoughts are with you.

Kip in Florida

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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
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