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Saturday, February 23, 2008

I took both of his hands and held them to my face, I smelled them. They smelled of soap and his after shave. I put them on both my cheeks and held them there for a minute. He looked at me and said, "Your face is so hot." I said," Because when I cook I always get hot."
He laughed and hugged me to him.

He had a freckle on his right ear. He had a scar on his lip from when he fell on his rubber duck when he was little, and the metal piece cut him.

I bought a rubber duck and put it in the shower after he told me that story and sang the rubber ducky song once in awhile when he was in the shower. He always threw his wash cloth at me. And I would run from the bathroom laughing.

I would go take him a glass of ice tea when he was done mowing the lawn. And then we would go sit on the porch swing under the crab apple tree and talk about how we wanted to make the yard really beautiful.

He would tell me his plans of rebuilding the shed. How he wanted to start making things for me. I wanted bird houses that we could hang up on the trees. And he wanted to grow some gourds for the Purple Martins.

How we wanted to have a raised bed garden because the back yard was marshy when it rained.

He always asked me what plants I was growing. What were they for.
I grow fennel every year for the butterflies and he was fascinated at how many butterflies just flocked around those plants.

He would go with me every year to all the green houses so we could get our plants for the garden. He always tilled the garden and I would plant it. He weeded it and I watered it. He had this old antique hoe that he used. I can see him out there now. He would take his shirt off and stick half of it in his back pocket and let the rest hang down.

I don't know if I will have a garden this year.

~Nita~

Song, Come Back Down by Nickel Creek
if you have time please listen to this song...

47 comments:

She She said...

Nita, someone in Oregon is thinking of you and praying for you tonight, and for Elizabeth, and your Grandbaby and the rest of your family. Tonight is the first time I've seen your blog. I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. We've been married 18 years, and I can't imagine. I just can't. I'll keep you in my heart and prayers.

Sheila
(believe it or not, I live in Mt.Angel, Oregon) Mt. Angel. Maybe an angel had me send you some comforting words. I hope they have been. God Bless

red tin heart said...

Sheila: Thank you. I need prayer.
There have been a few friends who have said they are not sure what to say right now. It isn't what you say that matters so much as how you listen.

Even if someone who cares puts I love you and I am thinking of you, that means everything. Just knowing people are out there reading what I am writing... hearing my heart, means so much.
Thank you new friend. love nita

Joan said...

Nita, came across your blog some weeks ago and have been with you in spirit ever since...from my heart that has finally healed--to yours--I stand with you in prayer and mercy. Bless you all Joan

Mimi said...

Nita,
if you decide to have a garden this year...just imagine him doing it with you...plant the things he liked...
and at least do your funnel...
the butterflies will bring an amount of peace as you sit and enjoy them...
praying for you and Elizabeth...
Love,
Mimi

Debbie in NC said...

Nita,
We are thinking of you and praying for your healing! I didn't know about the fennel and butterflies.

Whenever I see a butterfly outside, I say "Hey Mom"! She used to help me outside a lot in the yard. One of my most cherished memories and picture is of us sitting down in the swing together drinking coffee :-)

Butterflies are free and happy and all in my yard are named MOM!

Classic Charm said...

Nita,
Your post is soooo beautiful. I am learning so much from you. Oh how beautiful how much you love him....he was a lucky lucky man. Prayers for comfort, may God grace you with his peace.
Hugs,
Rose

SweetAnnee said...

Oh Nita Dear..Plant a garden in his honor. He would want you too.

Just plant and know he is there in your heart .

God bless you my sweet friend
and bring you peace.

Hoping your children are doing ok alos.

Still praying for you
deena

The Feathered Nest said...

What a wonderful song, Nita..I've always loved it. Such a beautiful post, Nita ~ maybe if you plant a garden this spring you will feel closer to John, use his tools and feel his presence ~ much love to you, xxoo, Dawn

Laurie said...

Nita,

I agree with the other comments on planting a garden this spring in memory of John. Bring on the butterflies to remind you that he is still with you, but free and changed.
Use his tools, get dirty for him, be renewed in spirit by planting for you and for him. Plant more seeds of love deeper in your heart, determined to get through this with new hope. I, for one, come here each day to read your heart and it is beautiful, even in pain and sorrow. You memorized John and took him into your soul. He will always be there and someday, I pray soon, it won't hurt quite so much. I don't know when that day will come, but you will know. Praying for you every day to get through and find little seeds of joy. Plant them and watch them grow into something more beautiful than you have ever seen. God is with you and carrying you.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Donna said...

I hope you Do have the garden this year!! It would be wonderful..hughugs

* mY fRiEnDs cALL mE Rella * said...

Dear Pet,
The kindest thing you could do for you and Elizabeth is HAVE a garden. Employ someone to prepare it for you. Sketch it out...the flowers and vegetables. Make a 'Garden within the garden that is a memory garden for John. Tending this work of love will help you heal and will give you another purpose for a period of time. The excitement of new growth. In fact, if you could take some photos of where you garden and outdoor areas around your house,and share them here.. I will share some ideas I have. Tell me what way the house faces and how much sun these areas have. This is a project.

Much love, Rella xo

Diane said...

Oh Nita
Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
Please plant a garden if you are able. Watch it grow and see God's miracle in each and every bloom. Right now I know that you can't even think about feeling joy but when I am sad just one look at a flower blooming can cheer me up.
I am here to listen any time you need a friend.
xoxo
Diane

Nonnie said...

from the little i "know" of your sweet husband, nita...it seems it would be a wonderful thing to continue having your garden....it would be a place you could go when the world is overwhelming...to sit and share your thoughts and cares and tears with him.....
holding you and elizabeth in my heart and prayers,
kimberly

Vickie said...

Nita, I continue to hold you in my prayers! I like the memory of John and your life together. I hope butterflies come again to remind you of the love you have. I do love you and think of you often. I hope Elizabeth and all are beginning to do better.

Anonymous said...

Nita this is another poem I wrote after the death of my Dad. For the last five years he and I planted a garden, one of the highlights was the pumpkins, we would have a pumpkin-pic-in party with all his great-grandchildren they would come and pick theirs out and he would clip the vines for them. I to did not want to plant a garden but we did and this year my mother carried on the tradition of course the children loved it. But I struggled with it. Like I say it has only been 10 months so I am still dealing with his death. You TRULY HAVE A GIFT WITH WORDS. I think every one that reads them can feel what you are feeling not many people can write that way.


Meet me early in the Pumpkin patch
Is what you used to say
Today’s the day we plant the seeds
And get them on their way

Keep them neat in a row
With enough space between them
So they can grow

Give them a little water
So they can begin to sprout
It’s just like love, watch it grow

Meet me in the Pumpkin Patch
We have lots of work to do
Weed out the bad to let in the good

With lots of sunshine
To warm the soil
Watch the vines
As they grow wild


Meet me in the Pumpkin Patch
For now the hard work is done
Clip the vines
And set them free
To see what they become

One may be a pie so sweet
Or a Jack-o-Lantern bright
Memories of the pumpkin patch are with us
All tonight


Meet me in the Pumpkin Patch
But now I go alone
Now it’s time to let the garden sleep
And rest your old sweet soul.

red tin heart said...

Joan: What a kind thing to put. Thank you. Mercy is a big factor right now. love nita

Mimi: I will have a garden. There was so much response that I feel a garden might be healing. love nita

Debbie: That is neat that you say that to the butterflies. Have you ever seen Patch Adams?
It reminds me of that.
Thank you for your concern, it means alot. love nita

Rose: Thank you, I think I am learning how to make it everyday through everyone who is caring enough to leave a comment. love nita

Deena: I will.. I think maybe it is what I need. Something to plan. love nita

red tin heart said...

Dawn: I am so happy you know that song. I have always loved it too.
I think your right, it would make me feel closer to him. love nita

red tin heart said...

Laurie: Your words help heal my heart. You are so kind to me. I thank you for that. love nita

red tin heart said...

Donna: Thank you.. I will. love you, nita

The Artful Eye said...

Dear Nita,
I'm a new visitor to your blog, not sure how I stumbled here but I'm glad I did.

My eyes welled with tears and my heartaches. I want you to know that you and your children are in my prayers.

John will be with you always and you will find the strength to cultivate a garden, and this strength will come from him.

Give yourself some time. It's wonderful that you can write and put your thoughts on paper. This is part of the healing process.

I'm sending you warm thoughts and hugs from afar. May God Bless and look after you, Elizabeth and the boys during this difficult time.

I will be back to listen to your heart.

xox Andrea

red tin heart said...

Rella: Thank you for your offer. That is so kind of you. I will take some photos and get them to you in a few weeks. love nita

shabby chic said...

Hi Nita
Yes I can imagine why you might not want to have a garden this year. But if you do it is for both of you, you & John. I know he would want you to ,and i am sure he would want you to do it for both of you. I think it would be a way of really feeling close to him ,make it your sanctuary your special place, you can pop little candles around in the summer and listen to the nature sounds and feel peacefull.
Little baby steps, little things a little at a time
you are in my thought nita xx

red tin heart said...

Diane: Thank you for praying for me everyday. That means so much to me. And thank you for taking your time to post a comment. love nita

Nonnie: Thank you for holding us in your heart and prayers. We are so lost right now we need someone to hold us in their heart. love nita

red tin heart said...

Vickie: You have such a kind heart. Thank you for caring about us. love you, nita

red tin heart said...

Anonymous: You have a gift for writing yourself. Beautiful poem. Thank you for the compliment.
Love nita

red tin heart said...

Andrea: How kind of you to write such beautiful words. Thank you.. love nita

red tin heart said...

Dominique: Thank you, It sounds wonderful with the candles all around in the garden. I have done that before and enjoyed that so much. love nita

Mary said...

Dear Nita,

I've been away from here for a while and I'm shocked and crushed to hear you have lost John. I've spent some time reading your posts and my heart aches for you. I don't know what it's like to be widowed - I can only imagine your pain.

I lost my Mom almost two years ago. She was suffering so much. It was a relief when she left us but there is not a day that goes by when I would love to hear her voice again.

John's passing was so sudden and I imagine it will take you and your children time to heal.

Amidst your sorrow, I wish you sunny days and laughter - remembering him. He's still with you and I think he'll want you to remember him with a smile :o)

Hugs to you,
Mary

red tin heart said...

Mary: Good to hear from you. Thank you for your words. I am sorry to hear that you lost your Mother. It will be very hard when I lose mine, she really is one of my best friends. It is still numbing that he is gone. I wake up many nights and want to call him. Thanks again. love nita

Amy Wagner said...

Nita,
I am soaking in your stories of your life with John. They paint a picture of the important things in life. You have a great treasure chest of memories in your mind. Don't stop replaying those days and memories. And it's ok to cry.
As for the garden. I think the garden may actually bring you joy and comfort and more HAPPY memories. But-- you can decide that later...the groundhog says we have to wait for gardens a while longer. :)
Amy

red tin heart said...

Amy: I am so happy you stopped by. I am sorry I haven't visited lately. But I want you to know that you are very important to me. You have always been so kind. From the very begining of me starting my site. Thanks for being my friend.
I think the garden will bring me some comfort to. I am just having a hard time living without him. love nita

Kathy (NF) said...

HI Nita:

I once again wasn't able to get mt e-mail through to you. Are you getting mail from others?

This is what it the mail admin. said:

This Message was undeliverable due to the following reason:

Your message was not delivered because the destination computer wasnot reachable within the allowed queue period. The amount of timea message is queued before it is returned depends on local configura-tion parameters.

Most likely there is a network problem that prevented delivery, butit is also possible that the computer is turned off, or does not
have a mail system running right now.

Your message was not delivered within 1 days.Host yahoo.com is not responding.

The following recipients did not receive this message:

indigosea7913@yahoo.com
----------------------------------

Any suggestions?

Love
Kathy (NF)

Jennifer said...

I think having a garden this year can be part of the healing process, for so many reasons. I'm sure John would want you to do this.

I think of you often.

red tin heart said...

Kathy: Write your e-mail down on a comment and let me try to e-mail you. xoxo Nita

red tin heart said...

Jennifer: I think of you often too. I have started planning the garden. I started last night. I will post stuff I am going to do as soon as I get my new camera. love nita
My old camera is out of commision..

JeannieTheDreamer said...

Dear Nita, go, grow your garden. Plant more for him. Prune for him. You are so blessed to have your husband, to have all these moments to cherish. They are very precious and beautiful memories. So full of love! I am sure he did not want to leave you. It was beyond his control... I also know that when he sees you gardening, going back to the nurseries, and having your birdhouses and all, it will make him happy. I know it will make you happier. As you do all these you will feel even closer to him. After today, will be a better day.

I will pray for you Nita.

<<< BIG HUG >>>
Jeannie from Pittsburgh.

PixieDust said...

Whether you plant one or no, you will always have a garden, mi Amor... memories, beautiful and painful will bloom, some will make you laugh... others not... but they will remind you that you are loved.

(((HUGS))),
Love,
Me

whimseycreations said...

You MUST have a garden this year even if it's a tiny one - in celebration of his life and of all the sweet garden memories you have of him! Hugs!
Jill

Carmen said...

your heart is a lovely garden you share everyday with us!

Dena ~ swaddlecottage said...

Dearest Nita,

I love you, I'm here, and I'm listening. You are never alone sweetie. Not ever.

Hugs and prayers,
Dena

red tin heart said...

Jeannie: Today was a better day. Thank you for your prayers.. It is so kind of you to pray for me. love nita

red tin heart said...

Pixie: That is true.. I have decided to plant one. Thank you for taking your time to be here. You have incredible insight. love nita

red tin heart said...

Carmen: Thank you... love nita

red tin heart said...

Dena: You made me cry.. Thank you for saying that. It helps. love always, nita

red tin heart said...

Jill: I agree. I will make one in his memory. love nita

Frances said...

Good memories sweet one.
Throughout your pain, cling to the fact that you have had really good times and that you will never forget them. John lives in your memory and you will never lose him. Relive and describe, keep your memories and live through your grief. In the end the pain will dull and you will be able to remember all those happy times without feeling the agony. Then you will have healed and be ready to build your own future. For now, just be in the moment.

red tin heart said...

Frances: Thank you so much for your comment. Love nita

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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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