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Thursday, February 21, 2008

My Love's hair is as black as a raven's wing. His eyes green as grass in Spring. I wrote this about John when I was 20 years old. It has ran through my mind often since his death. There is more, but I could not bear to write it out. I have cried all day...

This weather makes me think of him so much. He use to walk in from work and smell what I was cooking, and ask 3 questions at one time. "MMM, smells good, what's for dinner? How soon will we be eating? And do I have time to feed the dogs?" I always laughed because he could squeeze in more questions in one sentence than anyone I had ever met.

When he got home he would have on his Car Harts and his John Deere stocking hat. He was always prepared for bad weather, and carried his tool boxes, water, and old blankets in case the car broke down. He was prepared for almost any occasion.

I loved cooking for him. He would often call me from work and ask me to make a couple of pies to bring him by noon so he could share them with his friends. I said sure. I would whip him up a couple of pies and deliver them to the factory by noon.

As much as he gave to me I wanted to give back to him.
Elizabeth and I were talking today about how it still feels weird that at 4:00 p.m. he does not walk through that door. How it feels like he should be here...

Sometimes we never know where life will lead us. If only we knew how short our time is we have here on earth. I think we would change how we did things. How we treated our loved ones. We would try to understand them more. Put their feelings above ours more. We are here but a moment... Then we are gone. I want to make the remaining days I have left here worth something. I want to be a better Mother, daughter, sister, friend.

And I want to thank everyone of you who have left me comments. It has meant so much to me. ~Nita~

20 comments:

The Feathered Nest said...

Oh Nita. What a beautiful post. Sometimes I just can't comment because I don't know what to say. Nothing I can say can make you feel better, just know that you are in my prayers....your words are so true, they speak to my heart....xxoo, Dawn

Laura said...

People will tell you that "it doesn't get better, it gets different" and that makes no sense to me, who only wants what I had. I cannot say what will happen in the weeks and months ahead for you, I can only say that I still wake up every morning at 4:30 to get him up for work. Your entry today brought tears to my eyes. Many hugs.

Classic Charm said...

Nita,
Thank you for your words...and for the reminder through them to each of us to not take for granted the days we have with those we love...I remember a few years ago we had purchased an armoire for our tv in the living room, oh I was in love with that piece of furniture and stared at it every chance I got. Then one day I came home from work and my husband gave me the news that he had malignant malanoma....it was utter shock...i remember sitting on the couch and looked over at the armoire, suddenly I cared NOTHING about that piece of furniture, in fact about anything in the house for that matter...take it burn it...just keep my husband here with me. Thank God the cancer hadn't spread and he's fine today. But at that moment nothing else mattered but the one I love. I think of those feelings I had often...it helps keep me in perspective. Hugs to you....and prayers for you and Elizabeth.
Rose

Shelley said...

Hello Dear Nita, you are so right about us not knowing how much time we are alloted here on earth and it should move us to think of others and put them first. That is truly God's desire for us. I know your heart is breaking and the pain doesn't seem to ease. How I wish I could make it better for you.I think of you so often and ask the Lord to hold you close and comfort you through his Holy Spirit. Please, go to my blog and listen to the song, To Where you Are by Josh Groban. It is so beautiful and I think so much of my MIL whom has passed. She was such a huge part of my life. Like a second Mother to me, since I was only 15 when my husband and I married. She taught me so many things. I think the song will bless you as it has me.

Also, your poem about John sounds beautiful. Like it could have come right from the book of ~The song of Solomon.

God be with you and the family, Shelley

Nonnie said...

such wonderful words to remind us to cherish the moments and time we have, nita, with those who mean so much.
keeping you and elizabeth in my heart and prayers.

Donna said...

Through others, we learn. Beautiful post sweetheart! hughugs

Dena ~ swaddlecottage said...

Hi Sweetie,

Just stopping in to give you a hug and let you know that I'm thinking of you today. Stop by my blog if you get a chance, I have a little something for you.

Hugs,
Dena

shabby chic said...

Hi Nita
That is so sweet , he was very lucky to have you too. He gave you a purpose too and thats why you loved looking after him . hugs to you & Elizabeth xxxxx

PixieDust said...

Yes, often we reflect when it is too late, but no you mi Amor... baking him pies to deliver at work... you seized the moments as they came, and that is golden.

Love you!!!

(((HUGS))),
Me

Lee Weber said...

sending you love and prayers- maybe finding that note was a little sign from John- sending you some love!

JeannieTheDreamer said...

Dear Nita, I just came from Dena's Swaddle Cottage. And I want to hold both your hands.. I am sorry for your pain. May it turn to a peaceful and comforting joy someday.

Jeannie

JeannieTheDreamer said...

i also honor you for cooking for him. That, is love.

Jeannie

BriteCloud said...

What a sweet post. So many good memories.

Thinking of you still,
Rhonda

Mimi said...

I would love to hear the rest of the poem you wrote for John someday... I know it is too soon... but one day when you feel it is the right time please post the rest of it...
I am continuing to pray for you and Elizabeth..that God will show you things to make you smile... and even laugh again...(John would like that)
Love and Hugs,
Mimi

Thrifty Miss Priss said...

Nita,
You are such a giving person, you gave so much love and understanding to John. It's always easy to say "I could have or should have...." You are breaking my heart tonight....as Dawn said, sometimes I don't know what to say to help you and Elizabeth...but knowing you have so many people to care, and pray for you...I only hope that helps a little.
big hugs-
Robin

Sally http://sallynix.wordpress.com/ said...

Nita - Your words are beautiful and resonate in me like none have in a long time.I am speechless...

Sally

kathy (newfoundland) said...

Hi Nita:

I managed to find your e-mail before you posted it and I wrote to you.

However, it was returned to me a few hours ago so I wrote again,

Hopefully it will go through this time.

I'm still feeling quite under the weather but I hope to catch up with your posts soon. I so enjoy them.

Love & hugs
Kathy

Sherry said...

No, you're right. We never know where life is going to take us...if we did, so much would never happen.

You are working through this process and it will take time -- and there is no "right" time -- it will be all the time you need.

Talking about your husband, remembering the love, while it will bring tears, it will also help you to create that special spot in your heart -- cozy and warm, like a soft blanket where you can keep your love safe.

Q said...

Dear Nita,
I asked my Aunt Clara Ann, after my Uncle John died, how did she make it from one day to the next? She told me she knew her John was near. She knew that love surrounded her. She believes her John is in a better place. A place where he no longer is sufffering. She missed his everyday comings and goings and cherishes her memories of her John. My Aunt Clara Ann is 90 years old. She is a very gracious woman. I looked to her to when my sister died. I looked to her again when my grandson died. I have asked her many questions. She has been honest with me.
I have asked her how does it feel to be a widow?
She tells of the lonely nights and the joy of the morning. She also told me the deep grief is because we love so deeply. There is joy in the sadness. It is the joy of love.
I have not walked the path of the widow. You are walking this road. You do not walk alone. You walk in love. Your John is always near.
Your John loves you. He always will love you. Nothing seperates you from his love. Not even death.
Now your John can help you in ways he could not while he was on the Good Red Road.
Ask him and he will give you the peace that passes all understanding.
You are strong in his love.
Namaste,
Sherry

Anonymous said...

Nita,
I have been checking on you lately. My heart goes out to you and your family and pray that the Lord of All comfort will give you all you need today. May He leave you with wonderful memories and peaceful sleep each night. When I think of you I will ask the Lord to comfort you all.
In His Service,
Sandra Proverbs 3:5-6

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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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