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Friday, September 28, 2007

Black Eyes and Blue Tears


My friend Bill from Dying Man's Journal , Http://hudds53.wordpress.com/ has challenged his readers to write posts on any form of abuse, so that we may help others if we can, in our own small way.
My post is about abuse. I thought about this all night last night, and I am entering a zone that is very uncomfortable for me.
I have been an abused woman. This picture is from an abused women's site, I often looked like this during those years, and usually much worse. My first husband abused me severely. I was with him from the time I was 15 years old thru 20 years old.
When I was married to my first husband the abuse started immediately. It started with a slap, I left him. He begged me to come back and said he would never do it again. I listened to him as he cried like a baby and got on his knees and begged for a second chance. He had hundreds of chances over the course of 5 years. Each time he hit me it became worse and worse. He did not have to be provoked by me to do this, he could be mad for any particular reason. One time our 2 year old son had thrown the last roll of toilet paper in the toilet before he went to my Mom's house, and my ex grabbed me by the hair and drug me to the bathroom and then spit in my face. And said, "Look what your son did!" I got dressed and snuck out the back door while he was taking a bath and walked 5 miles to my friend Linda's house. We lived way out in the country, and I was almost there when I saw his car coming up behind me really fast. I stopped, because I knew if I ran into the field he would run me over.
He opened the passenger door and drug me into the car. The last thing I remember was his fist smashing me in the face. When I woke up I was covered in blood from my head to my feet. My head was the size of a basketball and he was pushing me out of the car calling me a stupid bitch.
He drug me back in the house and I got away again, I ran to the neighbors for help and his aunt came and got me. I begged her to take me to my Mom's, and she took me her house instead and called my ex's mother. Who came and got me and told me she would take me to my Mom's , but instead took me back to my ex's house. He then preceded to drag me out of the car again and kicked me so hard in my legs that my skin peeled back to my bones. He locked me in the house for 3 weeks after that with pad locks on the doors, and he took the phone with him wherever he would go. The windows were boarded over from the inside. My son stayed with my Mom for the 3 weeks I was locked up, he had called Mom and told her I was sick. I was constantly threatened that if I left he would kill me. and kill my parents and sisters. Over the course of 5 years I was tied to the bed and was tortured by being smothered by a pillow until I passed out, and then I would be revived again and then have the pillow put over my face again.
Many times I was strangled with a vacuum cord until I passed out. He would just come up behind me and do it. I was so broke down mentally that I just felt worthless. I planned my escape. I waited until he had back surgery and then when he got out of the hospital. I left. He could not come after me because he was too weak. I went back home and filed for divorce. He still stalked me for a long time and tried to kidnap me once. But I finally got free. But it was so hard, because I was beat down mentally and physically. At that time I weighed 110 pounds and was 5'6 he weighed 365 pounds was 6'6. I am so lucky I am alive, it is only by the grace of God that I am. I saw my Mom be abused as a child and it was hard to escape the cycle. If there is anyone out there struggling through something like this. First know you do not deserve being abused! Your abuser will tell you that you do. But, you do not deserve it. Plan your escape, and never, never tell them you are leaving them. So often that is when the women will get killed trying to leave her abuser. Find a friend who can help you. And never give up on yourself, you have a life worth living. If you have kids leave the abuser for them. Because if you stay it is going to affect them so much.
If you have never been abused it is hard to understand why anyone would stay. Alot of it is control by fear, and intimidation of what they will do to you. And your are so broke down by constantly being told your are worthless and being called terrible names. It is so hard to escape . But it is not impossible. I pray for anyone going through this that God will help you to escape. Never give up.
This is a graphic story and I am sorry if I have offended anyone, I only want to help.
~Nita~

46 comments:

amanda said...

You are a survivor. I honor you.
amanda

My Treasure Barn said...

Nita
I too was an abused wife for 5 years.
Your story sounds so familiar. Abuse is so wrong. I too was choked and beaten to a pulp and I was 15 years old with a small son. We left on foot with only the clothes on our backs.
My heart goes out to any abused person. It is so wrong.
Patti

Mel said...

((((((((( Nita )))))))))))))

The Feathered Nest said...

Nita. You touch me every. single. day. You are such an amazing woman in so many ways. I'm so proud of you. The human spirit is so very fragile that these abusers use self esteem as a tool to ruin. Your message is so important and NEEDS to be told. Thank you for such a powerful post and just know that you are an incredible, beautiful, gifted woman that the Lord truly has a plan for you...think of all you've touched and empowered with this post...many hugs, Dawn

red tin heart said...

Amanda: Thank you for your words. I feel blessed by them. xo Nita

Patti:I think it is brave that you told me about you. I am proud of you that you escaped too. xo Nita

Dawn: Thank you. I hope this post will help someone to escape their abuser. I do want to make a difference in the world even if it is a small one. xoxo Nita

Q said...

Dear Nita,
You are brave and beautiful..
You have faced so many challenges.....tears...hugs.
With much respect,
Sherry

luvautumn said...

i came to blogger to be silly but your blog speaks to me - as a woman and a human. please please keep me posted on all that happens and let me know if ever i can do ANYTHING at all. May God bless you and all of you who suffer needlessly.
xoxo

Susan Ramey Cleveland said...

You are a wonderfully brave person, Nita. I admire you for the strength you exhibited by getting out of that situation. I was in an abusive relationship (not nearly to the extent of yours), and I do understand why women stay. I stayed for 20 years. May God continue to bless and keep you, my friend.

Amy Wagner said...

Nita,
I am so sorry that you have had to be this kind of survivor. I makes me sad but also makes me even more proud of you. I am so very proud that you can see that you ARE SOMETHING... a beautiful, loveable and loving person that is very strong!!!!
I am impressed that you have shared this. I applaud you and admire your honesty.
I love you, my friend!
Amy

Anonymous said...

It took courage to write this. I hope your story helps many people.
Candice

The French Nest said...

Nita,

You are so brave Nita to share your story, and such a survivor. I admire you so much.

Kate

Bill said...

I am so very touched by your story, the strength you have shown in the past and are still showing to this day is nothing short of inspirational. I am so sorry to hear of all you had to endure, so sad so tragic, no one and I mean no one deserves that.
It took great courage for you to step out side of you comfort zone and share your story. Writing about it may well help you, but I am sure your example will help many others to know they too can escape.
You are an inspiration and a blessing to us all
Bill

Vickie said...

Nita, I'm so proud of you! No one should be affended. No woman or anyone should have to live through that nightmare. Look at the beautiful woman your are despite all of that!

Dena ~ swaddlecottage said...

Dear Nita,

You continue to be such an inspiration and a blessing to so many woman, myself included through the power of the written word. You are reaching and you are making a difference. I just admire you so very much.

Blessings and hugs,
Dena

Nathalie Thompson said...

Wow. I am speechless. What a brave and powerful post. Praise God you are alive today! I am amazed by your story. That you survived. Thank you for your transparency.

red tin heart said...

Sherry: Thank you. I have been helped by God every step of the way.And I have always been told what dosen't kill you makes you stronger. xo Nita

luvautumn: Everything in life happens for a specific reason. Even though we don't know why, God helps us through everything, even in the midst of dying He is there. Nothing separates us from the love of God. Only our refusal of Him will separate us from Him. xo Nita


Susan: I am glad you understand, it helps. I am happy you were able to get away yourself. love Nita

Robin!http://thriftymissprissy.typepad.com/Thrifty Miss Priss said...

Nita,
what courage it took to write about this. What a nightmare. I too witnessed this with my mom as a child and it is a lasting effect. Although she was not beaten severely like you, the verbal and emotional abuse was awful. Thank God I did not repeat the cycle. It was very shameful for me as a child, I can only imagine what the victim feels. Bless you for writing about this

red tin heart said...

Amy: Thank you. If I only help one person I will be happy. xo Nita

Candice: Thank you. xo Nita

Kate: Thank you very much. xo Nita

Bill: I took what you said to heart, and if I can make a difference I want to. ~nita~

Vickie: You are such a great encourager, thank you. xo Nita

Dena: Thank you, it was a hard choice to make, because that is a very private thing, and embarrassing. I just hope it will help anyone else who thinks they can't get out to see they can. xoxo Nita

Nathalie: I think in order to serve God we must be transparent. We have to be willing to go out past our comfort zone. Thank you Nathalie. xoxo Nita

Mary said...

Nita, you are courageous, inspirational, and beautiful. And strong.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

red tin heart said...

Robin: It does have a lasting affect on kids seeing that kind of abuse. It damaged my confidence greatly. I still struggle with that. Thank you for your kindness. xoxo Nita

red tin heart said...

Mary: Thank you. You inspire me with you beautiful photos everyday and your tenacity. xoxo Nita

Michelle E. ~ Vintage Pastiche' said...

Mary~ WOW! What a powerful post. Your words are so important and brave. Thank you for sharing your story you are a strong woman. I admire your power and your courage.

Sending you and your family good energy, love and prayers.

*muah*
Michelle

Lee W. said...

Wow- I am sorry those things happened to you. It never ceases to amaze me- the things we do to each other. You were lucky to get out- smart that you made a plan. Abuse stories need to be circulated, so others know they aren't alone.

red tin heart said...

Michelle: Thanks. xo Nita

Lee: That is why I took the step to write about it, to help other people who are going through this. But, it was hard for me. I am a very private person and sometimes it is hard for me to get out of my shell, but this year it seems I have been forced to. xoxo Nita

Donna said...

Nita, as I sit here reading your post, I can hardly catch my breath...As a nurse who spent time working the emergency room, I've seen some really horrible things...but women and children were the worst of it. Bless your heart for standing up, now and always.

Patricia said...

Thank you for sharing. That couldn't have been easy. I'm so sorry you went through that nightmare and hope that no one ever crosses over your boudaries again. Such a severe abuse. So many forms of abuse that we tend to ignore because we know others have had worse but can build up and then we're no longer who we were before. Anything that goes against your boudaries is abuse. You were strong and you took no more. XOXO to you and lots of healing as well.

Robin~Thrifty Miss Priss said...

Hi Nita!
I sent you an email about a small world coincidence! Let me know if you get it!

BriteCloud said...

Wow, I couldn't stop reading. I can't even fathom living like that on a daily basis. I've never had one episode in my life like you have endured, and you endured it constantly for 5 years. You were young, but so smart to continue to fight for your freedom. I know this will help someone who feels like they will never escape.

Blessings!
Rhonda

red tin heart said...

Donna: Sometimes it is hard to stand up and write about things that hurt so much,but I want to help anyone who may be going through this. Thank you for your encouragement. xo Nita

Patricia: Thank you. I pray I never have to go through anything like that again either. I thank God I am alive to tell about it, xoxo Nita

Robin: I got your e-mail and I will e-mail you tommorow. Thanks for your encouragement too. xo Nita

Rhonda: Thank you. I pray my story will help someone. xoxo Nita

Bethany said...

Nita, there is nothing but admiration for what you have shared. Truly the Lord has preserved you and held you through this nightmare of a time. He has carried you in His arms and healed the wounds, both mental and physical. Love to you and thank you for speaking up on behalf of all those who need a voice and are too weak to speak for themselves.
~from a fellow abuse survivor~

red tin heart said...

Betahany: I think you are totally awesome. You, inspire me. love to you, Nita

Fiona said...

Nita, are you are strong, brave woman and your story must show others than it is escape such a horrific situation and to move on. You are an inspiration.

Lori said...

Nita,
Oh Nita, you have hit the nail on the head its all coming back I have tried for years to push the feelings back back back and not deal with them. I stayed for much longer than I ever should have but as you say you lose your self confidence completely and begin to think that perhaps you are at fault some how. If only I was a better wife if only I had done or said something different this would not be happening again.
What made me finally make a very very hard decision in my life was that after years of going to bed saying tomorrow will be different tomorrow will be better, that's how I got through and allowed my self to stay. I will stay because I said for better or worse till death do we part and I'm not dead yet, I will stay so that my children have two parents and people can't say (those kids their no good they come from a broken home), so each night I would pray for God to make me a stronger person and better wife so that tomorrow I could do better tomorrow I could do everything perfect and there would be no beatings no screaming telling me me how no good I am because I will be good! One night I realized that my prayer had changed I was no longer praying for tomorrow to be a better day I was now praying that I didn't make it through the night please let me die in my sleep so that I don't have to wake up again tomorrow to this hopelessness. When had my prayer changed? I can't tell you, but the day I realized my prayer had changed was the day I realized that there was nothing left! If I allowed him to Kill me which could be the next time he hit or kicked me my children would have no Mother. When had being a mother changed to second priority and wanting to die come first??????? Staying with this thing as long as I did has had and continues to have such a lasting affect on my three children seeing & hearing that kind of abuse. It damaged their confidence, their ability to trust and perhaps their ability to be able to have a good relation ship with a husband or wife in the future.I still struggle with that still 8 years later (daily). Protection orders are a joke my X was arrested at least 6 times on breach and was out the next day to do it again fine me threaten me hit me again then he would go back to court again and the circle went on they did nothing for me nothing at all! I begged if you can't keep him in jail send him to anger management counseling the Judge said its against is rights for me to order him to get counseling I have no right to do that. What abused people really need are other people to be willing to stand up with the abused and say we're not going to allow this any more as a society not just see it turn your face the other way and keep going! Many times people could have helped but just kept on walking ignoring what was happening right before their eyes like I wasn't even there. Everyday people and the Justice System.
No alcohol or drugs were ever involved when my husband had his fits of rage I will call them, no rhyme no reason just because he felt like it. What I taught my children by staying is that it is ok to lie if it is to dodge a potential outburst if one of them spilt a glass of milk or something I would say or silly Mommy spilt your milk to avoid one of them getting yelled at my seem like small things but what was it teaching them. Try to tell him what he wants to hear and pray that it is the right thing so that he doesn't go into a rage there was never a right or wrong thing to say or do nothing made it any different but I did try. I always found that the physical wounds/stitches/fractures healed but the emotional scares, they don't they stay with you forever! I am married to the most wonderful man in the world now and I have never felt safer yet I still continue to have feelings that I am not good enough as a person. I work very hard at getting through those times and being able to hold my head up knowing I did nothing wrong! Because deep inside I know I did nothing to deserve the way I was treated over my 20 year marriage. My only real regret is not telling my family what was happening seeking help from family and friends to help make me strong enough to be able to walk away! Walking away was not easy, alot of court battles to get protection orders in place, trying to stay alive but it was worth every minute of it to be able to get my life back!!!!!! Now I control my life! And I thank God every day that I did make it through the night so that my children and my self could get to a better place in our lives physically and emotionally. I thank you for your blog today Nita although I am sitting at work at my desk with tears running down my face I believe what you have said in your blog needed to be said you are a very strong woman and God is with you and your family no matter what is happening in your life.
There are to many women still in situations just like you and I were women that are scared to let anyone know what is going on in their lives because they actually feel in some way that perhaps it is their fault. If you are reading this and its you IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT NO ONE, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE PHYSICALLY OR MENTALLY ABUSED! GET OUT, GET AWAY, GET HELP! No you don't need all the stuff from your house your apartment you can get by with the clothes on your back a diaper bag for the baby if you need.... Just get out! And don't go back no matter how much he begs!
Hugs to you Nita you are a very strong woman and I admire you for your honesty!

Sheri said...

wow nita... you are gonna just have so much to give the people that you meet in your life.. your experiences will help somone.... that's what everyone told my family ...
I'm sorry that this happened to you but God made you stronger...He knows why you had to go through it....

Jeannene said...

SWEET NITA,
"All i can say is...come by my blog, and get yourself a "BIG HEART AWARD, PLEASE..PLEASE AND PLEASE!!" You deserve so much more, but this is all i can give you miles apart.

"MISS YOU BUNCHES.."


xoxoxo
Jeannene

red tin heart said...

Fiona: Thank you. xoxo Nita


Lori: I am sorry you had to go through all the terrible things you went through too. God is with us through horrible things, He is even with us through death. xoxo Nita

Sheri: I think of you so often throughout the day, and I think of your incredible kindness you show people. Thank you for your comments. They mean alot to me. I am going to post the little frou frou dress you sent a while back, me this week. I love it so much. I look at everyday and it makes my heart happy. love nita

Jeannene: Thank you sweetie. I would have to say you have one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen. love nita

Jeanne said...

Nita, I am so glad that you are here today to share that story with all of us. I have a family member who was in an abusive relationship and so I am well aware of this type of behavior. I have read a lot of books on the subject as well. The thing that amazes me the most about these abusers is how similar their actions are in every case. It is almost as if they are following some sort of script or something. I am so glad you are speaking out about it because keeping silent and living in fear that others will find out is what gives these creeps all the power. Once that silence is broken you can begin down the road to freedom. I am sure your story will help other women who are currently living in a situation like you were. Hugs to you Nita!

Shelley said...

Dear Nita, I am so very sorry you had to suffer such abuse at the hands of you ex. What a strong person you are to survive such a terrible time in your life. I think its wonderful you are able to share your story and give someone who might be going through the same circumtances hope that they to may have some chance to escape and live a better life. I am so glad that our Lord was with you and spared you from death. You are such a blessing to me and others as well.

God bless you, Shelley

motherwintermoon said...

Dear Nita,

I found you through Bill's blog. As a severe abuse and domestic violence survivor, words cannot express what your post meant to me. I was abused emotionally, sexually and physically in childhood (where I learned to believe I was utterly worthless), and grievously abused for years of early adulthood in a domestic violence situation.

I finally escaped, alone and broke, without anyone to turn to for help and support. My abusers went on to live their lives unencumbered, while I, like so many other survivors, spent a lifetime with PTSD, working on the healing process.

Thank you so much for courageously sharing your story in order to impart hope and help to others. I know how exacting it is to retell.

((((Abundant Blessings of Love and Strength to you and yours))))

red tin heart said...

Jeane: That is true, it does seem like they follow a script. I hope my story will help many people too. Love what you have done with the challenge. I am trying to catch up on mine. xoxo Nita

Shelley: Thank you. xoxo Nita

Motherwintermoon: I am sorry you had to endure violence as well. I pray blessings for you, And that the Lord God will protect you in all your ways. xoxo Nita

katherine. said...

oh Nita! I am catching up on reading today...and finally came across your post. Thank you for sharing what must have been very painful to you to remember.

you give many others a voice and hope I am sure!

You have incredible courage and strength. I thank God you escaped!

Anonymous said...

hi... i admire your couraged and determination...I wonder where your strenght came from. for almost 5 years you were abused, youre really a survivor......Thanks for sharing your story and experienced. i know lots of people were also have the same situation like you had.....hope your blogs will be also inspired and eye opener to them to not lose hope and believe....Dont be just let anyone to abuse you. know your right and know to defend yourself....
Godbless.......

Healing Expressions said...

Bless you Nita for your courage and your strength. All these years later God knew John would need someone near to him whose heart was strong enough to bear this path. Thank you for speaking the truth!

red tin heart said...

Lana, thank you for your kindness. xo nita

* mY fRiEnDs cALL mE Rella * said...

You know that I know how this story can sometimes have a very bad ending. I'm so happy to know that your's was not so and that you found John and he has you.

You are beautiful, strong and full of love.

xo Rella

red tin heart said...

Rella, thank you, i can tell you are full of love as well xoxo nita

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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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Please pray for the protection of Israel.
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“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
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"Wisdom is knowing what to do next;
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