My first sentence is this:

I want a happy life....

I pray that I will experience that for once. ...

Everyday I do feel flashes of happiness, sometimes for hours..And sometimes days. The last two have been wonderful.

But then some days I am over run with sorrow.....For many different reasons. It isn't just one.

There are some songs I want you to listen to today. The first song is: Tangerine by First Aide Kit.

I can't run YouTube on this dinosaur..EEK . must try to get upgraded soon!

But the lyrics touch me deeply..Cause it is me. She sings, "I won't beg..Just please, please, please be good to me."

I have always hid behind anger
when I was hurt.....

Instead of showing tragedy upon my face..

I am learning not to do that.

I feel alone so often ....

When I pass a cemetery I think of all the people who have died feeling utterly alone.

And I think: "I would have been your friend..Well except for the super dooper creepy ones..He He."

My heart feels like a battlefield. where great many tragedies have occurred. {commercial interruption} The next song you should listen to is by Parachute - She is love.. If you really want to know my heart..It is on my second page.

Some days I feel so much pain I can barely breath.

The medicine only helps so much....Smiling softly.

I try hard not to cry in front of others..Least I annoy them.So I cry alone letting the burdens of life flow over my cheeks.

Kinda like right now

There is a relief for me when I cry.

I unburden my sorrow for the bedroom walls to see to hear to feel. I tell the sorrow to please flee before he gets home.


A guy in my group therapy said to me one day, " I feel your sorrow so intensely that I can't take it."

And my heart broke in two. I didn't know it was so evident...

But I feel like he does. Every person, I am around, I feel their anger. I feel their disdain for other people.

Like the people who collect money on the corners for charity..They get those looks. And so do the mentally handicapped when someone takes them in public. And I want to cry. They didn't ask to be that way. No one asks to be the scourge of the world willingly..Maybe a saint.

When people are taunted for their weakness I believe the Lord gives them extra grace and mercy.

I grieve for the blindness of mean people.


Love is the answer. I may sound like a hippy. But it is true. Tolerance. But I am wise enough to know the whole world won't change.

My compassion is great...

That's another reason I hide.


Commercial break folks....{Go to my third page} There is a song by Feist- I feel it all...Listen to it.


I fight my sadness with humor.

I have been known to make people pee their pants. I am that funny..

I fight it by creating.

I try hard to think about others.

Instead of thinking just about me.

Depression is a savage thing. When we need people the most. That is when we don't want others..The pain is just too hard to handle.

I can't bear another persons pain; as well as my own on those days. I can't bear to feel their anguish cause their loved one is dying, I don't want to hear the girl at therapy talk about how her life is ending. Because some days I feel the same way..You know?

I fight it by answering my phone more.

There have been people who have called me and I didn't answer the phone ...I couldn't bear to talk at that moment. It wasn't because I don't like them. I just couldn't.

I am learning about distorted thinking in consoling. The kind that becomes part of you. Because of the way you have grown up ..Thinking junk that was totally screwed up. I took a long look at myself..And I thought, " I wish I could have known this when I was 15 and needed help ...."I was so overwhelmed with my home life. Being drug to taverns and eating a hamburgers on Easter at the bar.. Him beating us and her."

I was a highly intelligent child. With no direction. I made straight A's ..It did not matter. To them.

I know there are so many people who feel like I do. I am encouraging you to try counseling. It is helping me.

I better let you all go...


love Nita


P.s Letter to a John by Ani Defranco

Last song. It is on my 4th or 5th page..

All these songs you will be listening to.... Speak for me...When I can't speak for myself.