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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

{please click on photos for a better view}

I was sitting in the van today after coming back from an errand and I got this great photo of the sparrow building her nest in my birdhouse.

I sat there and cried because John built this bird house 5 years ago and there has never been a bird who took up residence in it. I wanted to tell him so bad that there was a bird in the house he built for me. But I couldn't because he is gone.

It has rained here for days. And I am so sad, this rain makes my mood just go down. It is getting ready to flood the creeks, and my driveway today is better, but yesterday I had about a foot of water in it. Me and Elizabeth went out and bought rain boots.

Most of these pictures are from today.









The Starling on my tin roof. The blackbirds in flight are all from today.
The vultures are from this past Sunday. The old railroad building is from Sunday too.




Me and Elizabeth ate in the park today under the pines.. Just to get out of the house. I thought the reflection of the pines in the water was so pretty.













The picture of this country road and tree, I took Sunday.







The swollen creek today. It is about a mile away from my house.




This ditch is a few blocks away from us. When the kids were little I used to make boats out of Ivory soap and make sails from tooth picks and paper and we use to go sail them in this ditch. We had so much fun...







This is our drive way today. Yesterday was a nightmare.
I have thought of John all day.
I had a dream about him last night and woke up so sad. I miss everything about him. I am so lost without him.
People see me and some have said," You like like you are doing fine."
I am not fine. I am broken down inside. I just hide it well. I have cried all day.
I have tried so hard not to. But I miss him...
I loved the way his pants were frayed by his work boots rubbing them, and from them barely touching the ground when he walked.
The way he smelled after a shower-
I loved that he had a 5 o'clock shadow by noon.
I loved that he knew how to do anything. From re-wiring a house to being the only one who ever made me feel truly loved and accepted for who I am.
I loved the way his eyes crinkled at the edges when he laughed.
That his middle toes were longer than his big toes.
That he had the most beautiful green eyes that changed colors. When he was peaceful they were brown green.
His laugh.. and the way he threw his head back when he did it.
I miss his voice... His deep rich voice that I could listen to for hours. And most of all I miss him.

He was a comforting presence that I so desperately miss. I could lay down by him and watch TV and we could just talk.
He talked to me. That is missed so very much. And he listened. More important.
We would discuss our dreams for hours. He told me his dreams and I would listen to him and just soak him in. I tried to memorize everything about him.
Sometimes I would stare at him and he would ask me what I was looking at and I would tell him I was memorizing him.
He would laugh at that. He never thought he was good looking. But he was so good looking.
I always told him every day how handsome he was.
There is a danger in loving someone too much.
~Nita~

Today's song, Songs About Rain by Gary Allan







30 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nita you have so many wonderful memories of John and NO ONE or NOTHING can take that away from you!
I believe the saying goes like this.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, Love leaves a Memory no one can steal!

Nita
There are no words to ease your hurt right now but please remember....
The pain you are feeling is a symbol of love. Rather than letting the hurt in your heart be a sign of your loss, let it be an eternal reminder of everything you have gained from sharing in the life of someone so special that they will always and forever be remembered with love :-).
Nita don't let anyone tell you to get over it and move on because its just NOT that simple. Cry when you have to laugh when you can but always know that John is just a prayer away and if you close your eyes and listen carefully you can still hear him talking to you. John loved you dearly and we all know how much you loved John. I come to your page daily wishing there was something I could do to help easy your pain. But deep inside I know there is nothing anyone can do for you but listen when you are wanting to talk and offer love and prayers to you and your family. My prayers are with you daily not for you to get over John's death but just for your pain to grow a little less with each passing day. I am very proud of you Nita, you are a very strong woman! I see that in the way that you are working hard to look after your self and your family even with all of the sadness and pain you are feeling. Please know that you are doing great. I enjoy your openess about how lost you are feeling without John.
Bless you and just know that if you need to talk we are just a message away!
Lori, Manitoba Canada

Jennifer said...

I believe that there is symbolism in the bird that is now making John's birdhouse a home. John is with you in spirit.

I wish I could do or say something to help you with your pain. Just know that there are many people out in blogland that care for you.

Take care of yourself.

velvet brick said...

Dear Nita,
The bird building her nest in the house that John built... hon...that is not just a bird building just a nest. That is the universe showing you that John is with you. Each time you see her, the bird house...know that John is with you and Elizabeth...and staying close by to protect you both. Take comfort in this beautiful gift...it is not a coincedence. Grief does not abide by a schedule. It is a process that is to be honored and walked through - wholly. You will complete the journey. Continue to get out, take your wonderful pictures (oh, I do like the tree reflections!)and live your life without guilt. John would want you to continue to be all that you are...all that he fell in love with. You honor his love for you and his memory as you do this...one step at a time. Peace be with you.
Love,
VB

Mimi said...

so many people are lonely, without ever having felt the wonderful love that you felt with John.. that does not mean that you should be ashamed for being lonely...but rather proud that you have such wonderful, warm, and loving memories, of a man who truly loved God, and truly loved you.
God sent the little bird to build a nest in John's birdhouse..just so you could remember with loving memory when John built it for you,
{{Hugs}}
Praying,
Mimi

Donna said...

Hi Sweetie! Those pictures really help to "place" your world for me. They're wonderful. Your post is beautiful...everytime I read, I'm simply filled with awe...you're amazing...lots of love to you sweetie!hughugs

Nonnie said...

i can so feel your pain and lonliness in your post, nita....and as others have said...i so wish there was more i could do to help you in your grief.
i agree about how wonderful it is that you found someone that loved you sooo much and that you in turn loved as you did....some don't ever get to feel that.....and it does come with the risk of having it taken away some day....my husband has crinkles around his eyes too....something i have always loved about him.....and i am one of the lucky ones, too, to have been loved and love with all my heart and soul.....i pray you feel john with you and that God gives you strength and comfort.
in my heart and prayers,
kimberly

Treasure Barn said...

My sweet sweet Nita.

That bird is special and I think it is a message from John. It is so strange that John built the birdhouse so long ago and just now there is a bird making a nest in it?

You were so blessed to have a love like that Nita.

All those memories are so precious and will be there forever my friend. I know they are not comforting but painful right now but what wonderful memories, little ones, big ones, private ones. They are all so special just like the love you two had between you.

I love all your pictures and I love the picture of the tree the best. I love pictures of trees.

I am thinking of you and Elizabeth today and praying for you both every day that the pain will get a little easier for you each day that passes.

God Bless You Nita
I am sure John is looking down at you both through the holes in the floor of heaven and he is proud.
Love You
Patti

The Artful Eye said...

Dear Nita,
These are wonderful photos and memories. I love seeing that sparrow making his nest in this lovely birdhouse John built.

You are a remarkably strong woman Nita and I can tell you will do what you must to get through this storm.

Just remember you are never alone and crying is good, tears are not a sign of weakness but of strength.

You are thought of daily.

I've sent you and email.

Bless you and prayers to find comfort and peace.

Laurie said...

Sweet Nita,

My heart aches for you tonight as I read the depth of the loss that surrounds you. I truly believe that the more we memorize and love our mates, the deeper the pain of the loss, You memorized so many beautiful things about John and these memories are so alive in your broken heart. I see such hope in the sparrow building her nest in the abandoned birdhouse, this reminds me of the words of a song about how Gods "eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
And I know John is in it too. Now, won't it be amazing if our wisterias flower for their first times this season? Your pictures here are amazing and so describe the words you write here. I am so sorry that I can say or do nothing to lift your spirits, but please know that I am praying for you and for the pain of your huge loss to get a bit lighter with each day. Spring is almost here, and with it I pray a new season of healing for you dear friend. John is right there with you in your heart. Talk to him sweetie.

Love you, Laurie in Ca.

* mY fRiEnDs cALL mE Rella * said...

I was lost in your grief until I realized that there was still the glimmer of hope with each photo, each memory, each attempt to climb up and out.

Then I thought, what if you call the nesting bird, Jonniebird.....and check on him every day and leave food, and take photos and write a story. and maybe try to draw him and the birdhouse. Sometimes that is all it takes to get you through to the next day and the next and a little more healing.

Love to you
xoxox Rella

red tin heart said...

Lori: I am very lucky to have so many good memories. Thank you for all your encouraging words Lori.
love nita

red tin heart said...

Jennifer: You know it isn't really what people say so much that comforts me, it is the way people care enough to leave a comment.
I think you are right about the birdhouse. love nita

red tin heart said...

VB: so true.. I can feel him around me . love nita

red tin heart said...

Mimi: That is true too. There are many people who never experience love. I was lucky enough to have experienced love.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all..WS
I have always believed that.
Love nita

red tin heart said...

Kimberly: I wish you wre here to have a cup of tea and talk. That would be fun.
I drink tea every day.
It seems to soothe my spirit. Something magical about it.
love nita

red tin heart said...

Donna: Thank you for the sweet compliments. I am glad you can place where I live.
I love all the trees we have. I would be lost without seeing their beauty every day.
love nita

red tin heart said...

Patti: I love the tree picture too. I got some really good pictures tonight. I am going to try and post them tommorow if I get a chance. I have been working on a story.
I hope you are well my friend.
I have been thinking of you very much. I have a card for you that I have had for 2 weeks that I need to mail.
I will try to do that tommorow. love nita

red tin heart said...

Andrea: I love the picture of the sparrow building her nest more than any of them.
I pray God helps me through the storm .
Some days are just more painful than others.
Love Nita

red tin heart said...

Laurie: I see hope in the sparrow building her nest in the abandoned house too. That comforted me. But made me sad I could not tell him about it.
It is ironic...
Laurie thank you for praying for me. I feel like people must be, because I feel strength rise up in me to get through the days.
I need God more now than ever.

I don't know if you have an e-mail but would you e-mail me?
love nita

red tin heart said...

Rella: You know what is funny? I put seed closer to her birdhouse today.
Thank you for your words Rella..
I am thinking of you alot lately.
Hope you are well.
love nita

Mermaid said...

I have unintentionaly been away from you.
Mmmmm
Please know that I am thinking of you and a little something will be going in your way as soon as I get myself alltogether.
You are a wonderful inspiration of strenght.
Can you have more patience with me??? please? and friendship, too?
love and light to you

Mosaic*Queen said...

Hi Nita
I'm so sorry for your sorrow. Hang in there sweet girl.
You are in my thoughts.
Hugs to you!
Michelle

tangled stitch said...

Oh Nita, just be whereever you are for the day and don't worry, the people who love you, love you and they understand.

I really can't think of anything else to say, except I know the feeling and this too will eventually pass.

Blessings and love to you and your family!

JeannieTheDreamer said...

Oh Nita

Love,
Jeannie

P.S. i love the picture of the tree with the water underneath

A bird in the hand said...

Dear Nita.
I understand.
You thought of me today for a reason that you're not aware of. Love, Colette

red tin heart said...

Colette: My thoughts are with you..
you touch my heart so much. Your love for life reaches out to me.
I will be praying for you dear one. love nita

Mary said...

Very beautiful and touching, Nita. He's still with you and always will be.

Mary

mon@rch said...

Its great seeing the birds using the bird box! Hope you are able to follow them and keep us updated as time passes!

kateri said...

All I can say (after reading this lovely, from the heart post) is that I am not surprised at all that your bird house has a nester. That is a very, very special sign, to me. God bless you, Nita...

~Robin said...

That quote you used today-"the longest journey in the journey inward"...for me its usually rather short as I bump up against some wall or pile of junk that I cant go very far. Time for some spiritual spring cleaning huh?!
Sweet photos-God bless~

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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
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