Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Letter to John...

When I hear Mary Chappin Carpenter's song 10,000 Miles. I remember the night we were driving home from dinner from a neighboring city. We were alone on our Friday night date we took every week.

You looked over at me and said, "I love you."
I said, "I love you too."

"This song is how I feel about you." He said to me..
"I feel this way about you too." I told him.

My throat felt very tight and I took his hand in mine and held it to my lips and kissed it.

He pulled the car over to the shoulder of the road and pulled me to him. He said, "Kiss me"

I kissed him...

No matter what John did, no matter what I did. And no matter what differences we ever had John was my one true love. I have never been able to take my wedding ring off.

I miss him so much I feel like I will never be whole. It hurts so much worse now than when he died because the shock has worn off.

I am doing what I can to heal. My brother's wife and I were talking today. She said, "Nita, no matter what anyone says, no one can miss John as much as you do.

You saw him everyday. Sisters may miss brothers but it is not like the wife. When someone loses their husband they lose half of themselves."

I agree with her. I miss my brother but it doesn't compare with what she has suffered.

John was a part of me. Now that part is gone and it feels terrible.

Many days I feel like I can't go another second without hearing his voice. Without seeing him...

But, I do feel like God blessed me with the 22 years I had with John.
Good times, bad times, sad times. Poverty stricken times... All of it was a gift. Because I learned from him. And I had someone who truly loved me.

He told me once.. " Nita it isn't material possessions that really matter to me and I know they don't matter to you. I just want us to have a simple life."

We were poor monetarily for most of the years we were together. But it really didn't matter to me.

Because I felt like were rich in so many other ways than money. John could do anything, and he knew how to build anything. Once he and Dad built 200 bug boxes for Girl Scouts for a Nature Event I was helping with.
He stayed up all night building them.. I loved him so much for the effort he put into everything he did. We also made the most of what we did have.

I looked around for free events to take the kids to. And would pack a picnic lunch for the road. I would stay up late and make fried chicken, potato salad and chocolate chip cookies. And make fresh tea and for John, and pack soda in the cooler for the kids.

We would go to the zoo and to the art museum. And the Science Center.
We would go hiking in Nature preserves. Go swimming. So many things..

Not everybody has that. And I feel lucky that I did.

Thank you to all of you who have cared enough to leave comments. I am just having a hard time right now, and I am trying to get back to where I can visit again. I have had so many things I have had to do. I am praying my life will get easier. Sending you all love..

~ Nita~

Tonight's Song, 10,000 Miles by Mary Chappin Carpenter

If you have a chance to listen to this song please do. It is so beautiful. It is the 1st video, 1st clip


The Feathered Nest said...

Oh Nita. I don't know how you heal your heart. I can't even imagine how much you must miss John. Maybe it never heals, it just gets used to beating without him, with a big hole in it. Then the day you see him heaven, your heart is whole again...much love to you, xxoo, Dawn (The song is just beautiful)

Mimi said...

Dear Dear Nita,
the song expresses so much of the way you feel...
I know that some days are worse than others...and I pray for you each day that the bad days will become less bad and the good days will become better...
writing and telling John in words helps to feel more connected to his memory...
Prayers and {{Hugs}}

Shelley said...

Hi Dear Nita,what a beautiful love story,and how blessed you are to have those 22 yrs...the relationship you and John had,some people spend a whole life time looking for...and never find it..I'm so sorry you are hurting so bad....I only pray you will beable to find your joy once again soon...Dawn is right, that one day,at God's time, you will be reunited with John and you two can stroll over Heaven together...
Theres is a song ,I sing in church sometimes(I want to stroll over Heaven with you.) He's just a whisper away...
I feel your burden and you are in my prayers....

God bless you Nita, Shelley

Jan said...

What a beautiful song and tribute to the love shared between you and John! Those are the things that really matter...I am so glad that you have such sweet memories to cherish! May the Lord comfort you as only He remain in my prayers!

Nonnie said...

wow, nita....beautiful song and touching. i, again, can't imagine what you are going through.....but from reading your words today and in the past, you have so many wonderful, love filled memories from those 22 years....they will come to be your strength, i pray,....and your joy.
keeping you in my heart and prayers,

Annette said...

to love like that is just totally awsome, I love how you write your feelings, it's loke reading a love novel, but I cant imagine what your going through, you will see him one day, you know that, I LOVE the song, so beautiful and meaningful, you take care.

hiddenart said...

I'm so sorry. I wish the pain of grieving could be softened somehow, but it comes with such deep love. How hard it must be to be thankful that you loved so deeply when now it hurts so bad.

A bird in the hand said...

One day, when the loss doesn't drive shards into your heart anymore, you will reintegrate John into your heart and you will feel whole again. He will always be a part of you. Love never dies.

I only had 2 years to your 22, but even if I had known the tragic ending, I would still have married my John.


Lori said...

Oh the wonderful memories you have! I am so happy that you are able to share them with us. Although you may not have had allot of riches $ you had so many many riches and the riches you and John had as a family could never have been replaced by any amount of money in the world. I pray for your pain to ease as each day passes but I pray for your wonderful memories of John to remain forever and ever in your heart. Thank you so much for sharing your life and your pain with us Nita. God bless you and keep you. You are forever in my prayers! Lori

Treasure Barn said...

Nita Iam so glad to hear from you. You will probably never stop hurting from the loss of John but you have so many memories. I think sometimes it is the memories that keep you hurting. God is there with you and so is John's memory. He left you with so many good memories! 22 years worth.

You two were so lucky to have one another and the love that never died through good and bad times.

You don't ever have to take off your wedding ring Nita. Right now you are a widow but you can wear that ring proudly forever if you want to. There is no rule that says when you lose your spouse you have to remove the wedding ring.

You have so many friends here that support you and love you and wish your pain would soften. I can only imagine what you are going through and I can imagine how much it hurts.

You are in my prayers every night Nita. I will keep praying that you will find comfort and happiness again and that God will wrap his arms around you and somehow get you through this difficult time of sorrow.

I am very proud of how strong you have been through all of your tragedies. You are a saint!

God Bless You my friend

Donna said...

Keeping you in my prayers sweetheart......((((hug)))

Laurie said...

Dear Nita,

This song gives me a small glimpse of the pain in your heart, and I wish I could help you through this terrible time that you are in. I pray for you to have time by yourself these days to continue with getting through your own grief, unburdened by others. I am so sad for you to be facing the loss of your best friend and love of your life. How incredibly hard this is. Love is a wonderful and cruel thing at the same time, a risk. The more we love, the more we have to lose. I pray you feel Johns presence right there in your heart, helping you to heal in time.
I am still praying for your Spring to come. I love you dear friend.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Thrifty Miss Priss said...

The song and images are beautiful. I'm so so sorry you are so sad today. I know there is a huge hole in your heart. Of course you miss John so much more and differently than his sisters do...he is half of your soul. You are so right that you had so much more with him than most people spend a lifetime hoping and dreaming of.
Thinking of you always sweetie

Kari & Kijsa said...

What a wonderful tribute to your sweet John...heartwrenching memories that are so sweet and yet so hard! May your heart sing today with the sweetness of the old, yet find a little joy in something new. Prayers for you
kari & kijsa

The Artful Eye said...

Dear Nita,

My thoughts are with you everyday.
I hope your dad is getting better too. You're in my prayers.

Hugs to you and Elizabeth.

Serendipity said...

Hi Nita, just dropping in to see how you and your dad are doing.

It's hard to let go, isn't it? Sometimes when we think we are on the mend, only to have the memories come flooding in and bringing back fresh pain and grief. Praying for God's grace, mercy and healing for you.

Maija said...

The greif never ends- it just ebbs and flows.
Thinking of you,,,oxox Maija

katherine. said...

just take little are blessed with many wonderful memories of your love...

Jannie M said...

God Bless You, Nita. ~Jann

Just Joni said...

it's nice to hear your sweet little "voice" and I wish I had words that could comfort you, but I'm afraid nothing will but what time will deliver...I do pray for you often and I hope you can find a little peace within knowing God's presence can be a source of gentle comfort...

hugs to you sweet friend-
I'll keep you in my
thoughts and prayers~

Anonymous said...

Your blog touches my heart and all the pain inside. I lost my daughter-beautiful,talented,merry soul-last August. She was only 44 and becoming such a wonderful woman. Your words touch my heart and my pain. Thank you. I will think of you on your journey through this valley and pray for your comfort.

http:/ said...

"May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you and give you peace..."
With much love and many, many hugs,

becomingkate said...

I remember that desperate, lost feeling. It was bad near the one year mark, going on another few months. The others are right - he will always be a part of you.

Thrifty Miss Priss said...

Dear Nita,
I wanted to wish you a happy mothers day, spend the day with your children, and your mom, and reflect on all the sweet memories you all share.

FourSistersInACottage said...

Thinking and praying for you so much!!!
Love and Hugs, Amy

Nonnie said...

thinking of you, nita.

Just Joni said...

Happy Mother's Day Nita!

smiles and hugs,

Donna said...

Just checking on you sweetie!!hughugs

dabrah said...

Nita, I'm writing this with tears in my eyes. I lost my John 7 years ago, and I still think about him every day. Time does lessen the heartache, but for you it's all still new and shocking, and I feel for you.

Healing Expressions said...

Hello Nita...I have come here tonight to come along side the journey you have been on. Your honesty and vulnerability amidst your pain touches me. You experienced more in your time together than most will in a lifetime.
Take Good Care


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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.


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