Red Tin Heart..

Sunday, June 8, 2008

I am overwhelmed with grief today... Torn by sadness and consumed with sorrow.. No matter how busy I try to stay, John is never far from my thoughts. It's like trying to run away from yourself.

I am mad too. Mad that he is gone. Mad because I need him... Anger feels good.

I miss the comfort of his presence.

Maybe the anger will help me not be so overwhelmed at the thought of never seeing his face again.

But when I close my eyes I see him.

You know what the hardest part is? Not talking to him.

Not hearing him laugh at some stupid joke he has told for the 100th time. Not seeing him when I wake up. Not seeing him in the garden. Not seeing him work on his car. I talked to him everyday for 22 years. How do you get over something like that? I loved him from the time I met him.. Even through all the hard times. He was loved.
I still love him.

I guess every part is hard...

~Nita~

Today's song, Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own by U2

U2 was one of John's favorite bands and mine too, and this song reminded John of his Dad. It reminds me of John....

John would often cry when he heard this song ,because he loved his Dad so much, and missed him on a daily basis. He talked about him every single day.
He said he felt connected to his Dad, because they were so much alike.

1st video, 3rd clip

29 comments:

Jeanne said...: {{HUGS}}; June 8, 2008 at 6:55 AM
The Artful Eye said...: Nita,
Anger as you know is just another part of the grieving process. Best you can do is acknowledge it as you have done here.

I chuckled at first when you mentioned listening to a joke for the 100th time. I then I immediately paid attention because it's these moments that we'll miss the most and we should never take them for granted.

I'm sad to hear you are so overwhelmed today.I find that at times when the grief is so overwhelming and my heartaches terribly, it feels best to have a good cry.

Sending you love and hugs from afar.; June 8, 2008 at 7:54 AM
Kissing of the Frogs said...: Nita,
I wish you peace my friend. And I'm hugging you very tightly and trying to ease your pain. I'm really enjoying your story, and am anxious to read more. You are gifted.
Hugs,
Rose; June 8, 2008 at 8:14 AM
Annette said...: Sweet Nita....John would never want to forget him and you can still talk to him he hears you, I promise, and anger is part of grieving, I learned this when my Dad died in grief recovery, I still chat with him every day just about, and in your garden put a nice comfortable chair and 1 more for him and something that reminds you of your John where just you and him can be together and talk, I use to take a lawn chair or just sit on the grass and talk to my Dad and spend hours with him, and I loved it....it was OUR time, and I still do this once in a while, and when you close your eyes and see him I believe this is his way of saying "I here my darling and I'm o.k." I gurantee you he misses you too that 's why he shows himself to you. I hope this helps you...I know your pain, I havent lost my husband, but I lost my BEST friend my Dad.
hug, hug, hug, smooch, smooch, smooch.
Annette; June 8, 2008 at 9:21 AM
kimberly said...: love what annette had to say....two chairs...conversation...holding you in my heart, as always, nita...and prayers.
hugs,
kimberly; June 8, 2008 at 9:29 AM
Cindra said...: I hear you and ache for your pain. Writing and airing out are cleansing. It also leaves room for new experiences and joy and laughter again.
{hugs and an ear}; June 8, 2008 at 12:48 PM
Brenda said...: I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down today. I wish for smiles to come your way.; June 8, 2008 at 1:09 PM
Penny from Enjoying The Simple Things said...: I wish I could reach through this computer screen and give you a big hug....
Penny; June 8, 2008 at 1:11 PM
Mimi said...: Sundays are hard aren't they hun??
Prayers and {{Hugs}} for you today!!
Mimi; June 8, 2008 at 2:02 PM
Sondra said...: (((((Nita))))) You've been on my mind quite a bit recently~even though I've only visited your blog a couple of times. I am grieving with you and sending up a prayer! I can't imagine losing my darling.... (((((HUGS))))) sandi; June 8, 2008 at 3:59 PM
Donna said...: Love to you sweetie....thinking of you...hughugs; June 8, 2008 at 4:41 PM
Sally said...: I'm so sorry you're in such pain, Nita. God bless you. ((HUGS)); June 8, 2008 at 4:44 PM
Blondie ~ Vintage Primitives said...: think of you more than you can possibly know, Nita.
Much love and many prayers, my arms around you.; June 8, 2008 at 5:43 PM
Joni said...: sending you love sweet Nita ~; June 8, 2008 at 8:30 PM
Jann said...: I think anger is part of the grief. My dad died 4 years ago, and the other day, I felt angry about him being gone. Really angry--whereas before I'd just been sad. I feel so sad for you, Nita. I do pray for you each day, that your pain will lessen and that God will comfort you. Take good care of yourself. Lots of "virtual" hugs coming your way! ~Jann; June 8, 2008 at 10:52 PM
Simply Shelley said...: Hang in there Nita, God is with you...sadness last for the night ,but joy comes in the morning.

Blessings,Shelley; June 9, 2008 at 6:44 AM
Laurie in Ca. said...: Sweet Nita,

My heart aches with you today and I wish there was something uplifting I could say to help you. You are so right in saying every part is hard. I love you and am praying for you sweet friend. I am so thankful that when you close your eyes you see John, no matter how much it hurts. You will always love and miss him. I just pray that someday it does not hurt so much.

Love and Huge Hugs, Laurie in Ca.; June 9, 2008 at 7:04 AM
Dena said...: Hi Nita,

I'm praying for you for comfort and peace. Know that you are very loved sweetie, and that it's quite alright to be angry. It's a part of the process.

Hugs,
Dena; June 9, 2008 at 7:34 AM
A bird in the hand said...: You will always love him, for the rest of your life. Love doesn't go away. You will love other people in the future, but you will always love John. Songs are very potent memory-holders. I still choke up when I hear "You are the sunshine of my life." You know why.

Anger is part of it all. xoxoxo; June 9, 2008 at 8:05 AM
pchickki said...: Hearing that you are angry tells me you have taken the next step in losing John. It is ok to be angry Nita.

Of course you will never forget John, he was a big part of everyday life.

I am sorry that you are so overwhelmed and pray that you will feel better soon. Cherish Johns memory, look for signs that he is there with you everyday and know that you had a love that some people never experience.

It is better to have had love and lost than to never loved at all. I know this doesn't make you feel less lonely right now and I cannot even begin to feel your pain. God Bless you Nita. I am thinking of you and sending you hugs...lots and lots of BIG HUGS.
xoxo
Patti; June 9, 2008 at 9:31 AM
Susan @ Blackberry Creek said...: God bless you, Nita. May your love for John never go away, but become a comforting part of your life instead of one that makes you so sad.; June 9, 2008 at 9:35 AM
kimberly said...: stopping by to check on you, nita...take care sweet friend.
hugs and prayers,
kimberly; June 9, 2008 at 2:11 PM
lebanesa said...: You are right to be angry. Life is not fair and death even more unfair. We have no control and it is hard to bear. Don't despair though. Live on through this for the rest of your family and enjoy them while you can. Try hard to count your blessings, I'm sure you have some. Anyone who can love as you show us you do has other loved people to look out for. Hugs and hugs. How is your daughter these days?; June 9, 2008 at 2:20 PM
Sally said...: Came back to check on you, Nita. I hope you're feeling a bit better, but I know it must be awfully difficult. Take care, and God bless.; June 9, 2008 at 6:28 PM
Annette said...: letting you know I was just checking on you dear friend and thinking about you this evening!
HUGE hug just for you!
Annette; June 9, 2008 at 9:24 PM
Mimi said...: I prayed for you this morning...
Mimi; June 10, 2008 at 6:12 AM
Jann said...: Hi Nita--just checking in again--thank you for your sweet note on my blog--I think about you every day! xxo, Jann; June 10, 2008 at 11:06 AM
Anonymous said...: Nita,

I could've wrote this post...so many times I have felt so angry.

I think that the anger does help feeling so overwhelmed - in a way it gives you something to focus on. I have been mad at God, mad at Todd, and just plain mad at the world for him leaving me with so much! Just remember this is normal and healthy and all part of this grief journey. I can say that after 3.5 years - I still feel the anger but it is less intense - I don't anticipate this leaving any time soon.

The hardest part for me was when I forgot what his voice sounded like. Sometimes if I can concentrate really hard - I can remember...but its hard. I've had a few dreams where his voice and messages to me were so stong.

"I loved him from the time I met him.. Even through all the hard times. He was loved.
I still love him." You have no idea how I can so relate to this...especially the hard times.

Hang in there - please trust me it does get easier. The loss is always there - the love never fades - you will just feel stronger.

"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." Kahlil Gibran

Take Care,

Kelly; June 10, 2008 at 2:37 PM
Unknown said...: Hi Nita,

Since I am new to your blog I did not know about your loss. I am so sorry for your pain and I will keep you in my prayers. I think you write about your feelings so well.; June 14, 2008 at 6:05 PM