Red Tin Heart..

Sunday, July 19, 2009

I am 43 and he has been gone since I was 41. Gone from this house. Gone from our bed. He has been dead for a year and and 5 months, and 14 days. I don't forget him ever.

He is ingrained in me like sand on a seashore. I am working through this. I don't ask for sympathy just tolerance. It is hard to lose someone you have loved since you were 15.

I do feel weak right now. But, I have also felt God's grace cover me. Felt his peace in my darkest hour. I am sorry to have shut down. But sometimes I feel so weak that I feel like I have nothing to share, nothing to give that would benefit anyone. I tend to run when it all gets too much.

Sending you all love and asking your forgiveness, Nita

20 comments:

Laurie in Ca. said...: Sweet Nita,

You do not need to ask anyone's forgiveness for where you are right now. I am sorry for you being in this spot that feels so weak and lost without John. Shutting down is a protection you need to give yourself permission to do. I have done the same over the past month for much different reasons, but it has been necessary for me. I love you Nita and am praying for Gods strength to hold you up. You can email me anytime if you need to just talk. Take care my friend.

Love and Many Hugs, Laurie; July 19, 2009 at 10:35 AM
Thriftin' Gal @ Junk In My Trunk said...: Dear Nita,

Sometimes we all need to shut down for a while, I have done so many times myself. I keep you in my prayers every day, and pray that you will continue to find strength to get through each day. I do know how incredibly difficult it is.

You have no idea how much your words have helped me - I lost my husband 6 weeks ago. Your courage and strength through your writing about your husbands loss is helping me to get through each hour of the day without him - it is so very difficult. I never imagined anything could hurt so badly. I just wanted to thank you so very much for sharing your words with us. Your writing truly speaks to me, and please know that I am walking this new journey in my life along with you too. Please feel free to write me anytime, my email is on my profile.

Hugs,

Sandy; July 19, 2009 at 6:07 PM
Simply Shelley said...: No need for forgiveness dear,what you are feeling is a loss that you will never totally recover from but the grace of our Heavenly Father will carry you through until you are both reuited together in your forever home....he is waiting on you there and he would be so sad to truly know of your unhappiness...I feel some of your pain. Not from death but from a separation not of choice,not his and not mine...but my husband too is gone from our home ,from our bed and pretty much from all of our life's(my life, my children and our grandchildren). He will never be apart of us in the same way but I still love him and miss him. It is so hard to have had the love and companionship of someone for most of your life(I too was 15) and then to have them gone from you and not feel so devastated. Just on Friday I look down my driveway at 4:oo and told myself ,He's not coming home,Shelley. To live with the consequences of his actions and to deal with the reality of its shame is almost more unbearable than death itself....through God's grace and counseling I am pressing onward to accomplish God's will for my life....I am claiming my victory tonight and yours as well,Nita!

Be blessed,Shelley; July 19, 2009 at 6:46 PM
Lille Diane said...: All I have to give you is a big hug.
((((((((((((((Nita))))))))))))))))))

I know it's from afar but I pray you will feel it just the same. It came from my heart.; July 20, 2009 at 11:55 AM
Annette said...: My sweet friend
Please don't apologize for loving and missing someone that was a very important part of your life, and ask for forgiveness for what? you have done nothing wrong, don't let anyone make you feel like you have, we all love you so very much and I don't think there is a person out in this world who hasn't shut down sometime in their life, sometimes we need to, your not stupid either for sitting outside waiting on John, that is pure love all the way, and you know what? John is sitting there with you, talk to him, he may not be there in the physical seance, but he's there and he hears you, I promise.
I LOVE YOU SWEETIE~
Annette
p.s.
glad to be able to get back to your blog, missed you LOTS!; July 20, 2009 at 7:52 PM
pchickki said...: Nita you have NOTHING to be forgiven for. Your tender heart has to heal. John was your soul mate and your other half. I can only imagine the pain of missing everything about him.

My suggestion would be to keep busy and get out of the house as much as you can. Things there tend to bring back memories that are too hard to handle right now. Maybe you could join a group of some kind through your church or look for a support group.

Have you thought about maybe volunteering at the hospital in your town? There are many things you could do there to help. That would take your mind off of your pain.

You have been so strong Nita and my heart aches for you. I do pray each night for God to help your heart heal.

My thoughts are of you and my arms are around you and I am here as is God and all of your adoring friends.

When are you going to write another short story?

Keep your chin up my friend. It takes time but time does heal all wounds.

Love you
Hugs
Patti; July 20, 2009 at 11:09 PM
Karen said...: Prayers.; July 21, 2009 at 5:50 AM
Mimi said...: there is nothing to forgive...we each morn our losses in our own way...you are in my prayers...; July 21, 2009 at 7:28 AM
A Southern Rose said...: You have nothing to be sorry for. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I feel for you and I wish there was something that I could do to help you with your pain. Please take care of yourself and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.; July 21, 2009 at 8:21 PM
kimberly said...: thankful to see you are here, nita....and no explanation really necessary......you are in my thoughts and heart and pray that you continue to feel His peace.
hugs and love,
kimberly; July 22, 2009 at 10:51 PM
Sondra said...: (((((Nita))))) I would be struggling too. I have found sometimes when I lose someone I love so dearly that it doesn't always get better with time~it actually feels WORSE because I miss them sooo much and want them to experience the things I'm experiencing in life with me. Anyway, I happened by today because you were on my heart. Saying a prayer on your behalf this minute! (((((HUGS))))) sandi; July 23, 2009 at 4:58 AM
A bird in the hand said...: Dearest Nita, a year or so is nothing. It took me many years, but it does get easier with the passage of time. I feel for you from the depths of my heart. Never apologize, this is your process and you deal with it the best way you know how. Love to you, Colette; July 23, 2009 at 8:39 PM
Stevie said...: Nita,
I do not know what to say....I have asked God to comfort you and give you strength.
You have given me strength with your words.
Hugs,
Stevie; July 24, 2009 at 8:59 AM
Nita Jo said...: Oh Nita, There is nothing to forgive. We each grieve in our own time. Sometimes it's quick and immediate... sometimes it's a long back and forth journey.

There are days when I still mourn the loss of loved ones, especially the loss of my mom and my brother. They were taken from my life too soon. My brother passed in 2000... such a terrible year for me with my MS diagnosis and my mom's diagnosis with cancer.

I often think about what they have missed, and the things I would love to have shared with them. It's normal to have those feelings.

Your loss was so great, but it tells a lot about you that even in your weakness, you feel God's grace.
That is no small thing. When the body is ill, we sometimes have to shut down, rest and recover. It's the same with the spirit and the soul. You need time to sit quietly with your feelings, rest, and let God once again lift you up. It does not happen in a certain time frame. It happens in God's time frame.

You remain in my prayers.
Be easy on yourself sweet friend.
With love,
Nita Jo; July 24, 2009 at 10:56 PM
Amy said...: Hugs to you my Nita!!!
Amy; July 25, 2009 at 7:51 AM
PixieDust said...: Beautiful Nita... never sympathy, my friend, my heart breaks for your sorrow, but that is not the same. I'm glad I decided to peek in here again. You closed up for a while, and I know how it feels when you needs space... glad you're back... at your own pace, of course.

(((HuGS))),
Love,
me; July 26, 2009 at 9:37 PM
Stevie said...: Dropped by to check on you and say Hey.
Stevie; July 29, 2009 at 7:05 AM
i said...: Hi Nita, just dropping in for a visit. I've not been around lately too. But just want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.; July 30, 2009 at 12:17 AM
Donna said...: Loving you today and always pumpkin....((((HUG)))); July 30, 2009 at 6:31 AM
Sandi McBride said...: Reread your words Nita darlin'...you aren't broken...your love for yourself and others has healed you with no cracks showing!
Sandi; August 1, 2009 at 8:30 AM