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Monday, December 24, 2007

Christmas....

This is the first Christmas I have ever had without John by my side.
On Christmas Eve we always make tacos. I don't know why, we just love tacos and started doing it 21 years ago. It is just a tradition for us.
He always runs out and picks up everything that I have forgotten to buy at the store on Christmas morning, him and my Dad. It is their tradition to go together. Because Mom always forgets to get something too.
I am crying as I write this because it just hurts so much to be without him tonight. I am going to find a ride tomorrow to go see him.
You never realize how much someone does something for you until they can't do it anymore.
It is the little things that have gotten to me more than anything lately. The little things that I miss him doing. Like how he use to get the hangers out of the bathroom. How he use to help me walk the dogs every evening, and we would talk about how our day had went. How every Friday was our date night and we would go out for fish and then rent a movie and watch it together. I know John will be home again. And I am extremely grateful that he is alive.

But I miss him... It has been almost 5 months that he has been gone.

Elizabeth really misses her Dad too. He always helped her with Math. And she asked his advice about so much. She still talks to him on the phone, but it is hard when someone isn't here all the time when you are so used to them being there.

When I went to see him yesterday he was sad about how his legs had shriveled up. They are about half the size they use to be. It is almost impossible for his legs to be straight now. John use to have the most beautiful legs I have ever seen.
They are still beautiful to me. I always tell him he is beautiful to me.
He is not his legs or his ability to walk.
We were talking about how we would never be able to do certain things again. He asked me if it bothered me. I told him not really. The thought about never making love to him again did bother me for a long time. But I am resigned to the fact that it will never happen again.
As long as we can be together is all that matters to me.
We can still have a good life. It will be hard. There is no getting around that. But with God's help we can do it.

I want to help anyone else who is hurting , because
I know there are a lot of lonely people out there . And people who are hurting for one reason or another. You are not alone. Be encouraged by that thought. " You are not Alone."

I want to end with you are valuable, and Your life matters. Don't give up. Tommorow is always a better day.
~Nita~

tonight's song, dear mr. president by pink

17 comments:

Bobbie said...

Nita, it will be a better day tomorrow. Just hang on and it will be a better day. You have counted the blessings you have and so that is what you must focus on. God bless you dear, and a Merry Christmas to you and John.

Susan Ramey Cleveland said...

May God bless you, John, and Elizabeth on this Christmas Day, Nita. I'm thinking of you and praying.

Donna said...

Thinking of y'all constantly....lots a prayers and hugs to you all sweetheart!!!

Our Red House said...

Nita, I am so sorry that you are in such pain this Christmas. If I could offer any comfort over the miles that separate us I would.

hugs,

Kate

red tin heart said...

kate: thank you. you just did. love nita

red tin heart said...

bobbie: you make my heart happy. you are always there to lend a word of comfort. thank you. xoxo nita

red tin heart said...

susan: i have thought of you today too. i hope you had a lovely christmas because you are a beautiful person. thank you for your thoughts and prayers. xoxo nita

red tin heart said...

donna: i think of you constantly, i hope you had a wonderful day. love nita

PixieDust said...

I love you... and I'm holding you in my heart always...

Love,
me

* mY fRiEnDs cALL mE Rella * said...

Nita....words fail me. How can any thing comfort you and John and Elizabeth. I think you will get by moment by moment. As you continue to reinvent your life from what it was to what it is.....and what it will be, you will gather strength and the determination you need..moment by moment. You would not miss so profoundly if the love was not there so deeply.

I am thinking of the three of you and sending as much love over the wires as is possible.
xox Rella

red tin heart said...

pixie: it made me cry to read what you wrote. "i love you" because you have such a kind and loving heart. i love you too friend. i thank God for all my blogging friends. they are a gift from God. xoxo nita

red tin heart said...

rella: thank you. i am so happy that you were sent into my life. it has been a priveledge to know such a wonderful person as you. i send you love too dear heart. xoxo nita

FourSistersInACottage said...

Dear Nita,
I'm was so moved by your post that I want you to know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
We too, make tacos for Christmas. Not sure why but everyone loves it and it's just a fun thing to do.
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and if you don't mind, can I add you as one of my favorite blogs to read??? I sure would like that. Just let me know,
Amy (Mom to the Four Sisters)

red tin heart said...

amy: i would love that! i am going to add you to mine too. you really inspire me by your courage.
love nita

Maija said...

You are not alone, Nita. John will return home - just hang on. You are an extraordinarily story woman, as evidenced by what you have survived the last 5 months. I am praying for you, and I hold out hope for a wonderful New Year for you and your familY!
oxox

red tin heart said...

maija: that means alot to me, your words. thank you for encouraging me. love nita

SweetAnnee said...

Yes Nita..you are NOT alone, God is always with you..just lean on him

I am praying for you and John and that
he comes home soon.

I'm here for you if there is ever anything I can do..I am a good listener!!

love in Him, deena

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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
—G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936); writer, critic
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