Christmas....

This is the first Christmas I have ever had without John by my side.
On Christmas Eve we always make tacos. I don't know why, we just love tacos and started doing it 21 years ago. It is just a tradition for us.
He always runs out and picks up everything that I have forgotten to buy at the store on Christmas morning, him and my Dad. It is their tradition to go together. Because Mom always forgets to get something too.
I am crying as I write this because it just hurts so much to be without him tonight. I am going to find a ride tomorrow to go see him.
You never realize how much someone does something for you until they can't do it anymore.
It is the little things that have gotten to me more than anything lately. The little things that I miss him doing. Like how he use to get the hangers out of the bathroom. How he use to help me walk the dogs every evening, and we would talk about how our day had went. How every Friday was our date night and we would go out for fish and then rent a movie and watch it together. I know John will be home again. And I am extremely grateful that he is alive.

But I miss him... It has been almost 5 months that he has been gone.

Elizabeth really misses her Dad too. He always helped her with Math. And she asked his advice about so much. She still talks to him on the phone, but it is hard when someone isn't here all the time when you are so used to them being there.

When I went to see him yesterday he was sad about how his legs had shriveled up. They are about half the size they use to be. It is almost impossible for his legs to be straight now. John use to have the most beautiful legs I have ever seen.
They are still beautiful to me. I always tell him he is beautiful to me.
He is not his legs or his ability to walk.
We were talking about how we would never be able to do certain things again. He asked me if it bothered me. I told him not really. The thought about never making love to him again did bother me for a long time. But I am resigned to the fact that it will never happen again.
As long as we can be together is all that matters to me.
We can still have a good life. It will be hard. There is no getting around that. But with God's help we can do it.

I want to help anyone else who is hurting , because
I know there are a lot of lonely people out there . And people who are hurting for one reason or another. You are not alone. Be encouraged by that thought. " You are not Alone."

I want to end with you are valuable, and Your life matters. Don't give up. Tommorow is always a better day.
~Nita~

tonight's song, dear mr. president by pink