Red Tin Heart..

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

We buried John today. I stood by his casket and looked at him for the last time. I didn't want to leave him. All I could think when I left the graveside services was how cold it was and how he would be cold.
He loved me. He was not perfect, but I learned so much from him. He had the first birthday party I had ever had for me when I turned 21. I had never had an Easter dinner until I met him.
I have always been insecure about my looks, but he told me everyday I was beautiful. When he would leave for work he would always kiss me good by.
When he was at work he called me everyday at his lunch hour to tell me he loved me. It hurts so much right now I can barely breathe.
I am trying to be strong for Elizabeth, I have to.
When I am alone it is the worst.. All I do is think about him.
Yesterday I called his phone because I wanted him to answer it...
I talked to him everyday, I won't know what to do anymore since I can't talk to him..
Song, Wouldn't be this way by Leann Rymes
This is how I feel right now
~nita~

39 comments:

pchickki said...: My dear sweet Nita

I feel you pain and I am so sorry this has happened to you. Time will heal your hurt though you will always have the memories of all the things you did together.

You were blessed to have John and his love all those years and to have learned so many things from him. He will still be loving you from Heaven and he will be looking down on you and his children.

I understand the feeling you had thinking how cold he is but you have to remember that John's spirit and soul is in Heaven and it is warm there with God. What you buried today was the house that John's soul lived in here on earth.

I will be praying for God to help you through this Nita. I have been thinking about you since I received the news. My whole heart goes out to you my friend.
Much Love
Patti; February 7, 2008 at 12:39 AM
Anonymous said...: my heart aches for you nita.
You are such an dear soul, and it is very wrong that you lost him.

delila; February 7, 2008 at 12:40 AM
Robin said...: Dear Nita,
My heart is hurting so much for you right now. You have been through so much these past six months. There will be times where you just don't know what to do. Thats when you pick up the phone and call a friend or close family member. In time you'll be able to cherish your memories through all your tears. God made you very strong-He knew what He was doing!
xxoo
Robin; February 7, 2008 at 3:27 AM
Susan McShannon-Monteith said...: Dear Nita, My deepest sympathies to you and your family.
John will be with you for ever and always, he is only a heartbeat away.
Sincerely, Susan; February 7, 2008 at 3:31 AM
vintage girl at heart said...: I am so sorry for your loss and I will pray for you and your Family.; February 7, 2008 at 4:00 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Nita:

I have been thinking and praying for you so much these passed days.

I can only imagine how difficult it was to walk away from your best friend on such a cold day. Please take comfort in knowing that John no longer feels any Earthly discomforts -- neither pain nor cold; neither sadness nor worry.

All of these things have been replaced with a joy and a peace unimaginable. He is once again whole and in Glory.

I pray you & Elizabeth find comfort in each other and in your memories.

May your faith keep you strong.

hugs,
Kathy (NL); February 7, 2008 at 4:53 AM
Jennifer said...: Oh, Nita, I'm so sorry and saddened to hear about your loss. I wish I could say something to make you feel better.

I can't even imagine what it feels like to lose someone who made you feel as special and good about yourself as he did. He was a great man.

It seems so unfair for someone as special as John left this Earth as early as he did.

If there is ANYTHING I can do, please let me know. You and your family will definitely be in my thoughts. Try to take care of yourself and your family.; February 7, 2008 at 5:03 AM
kecia deveney said...: your loving blog friends posted about what you are going through, so i just wanted to stop by and leave my condolences. i am so sorry for your sudden loss. i understand he had fallen and was in a wheelchair - an adjustment and shock right there. now a second shock of him being gone. you must be so overwhelmed right now but at the same time putting on a brave face - so hard to do. please know that the blogging community, many of us who've just now met you are behind you and thinking of you during this difficult time. i was told how you've really been there for others in time of need, so we will be here for you. i am so sorry for your loss.
kind thoughts from NJ,
kecia; February 7, 2008 at 5:27 AM
Rella said...: When one of us is hurting, we all feel it so deeply. This community of blogging friends.......we were there with you by the grave, we are there in the still of the night when you feel alone. We understand when you wonder how this became your life when clearly you had other plans.

I know you are writing about it...keep writing. Write it all...the hurt, the anger, the fear. Let the words and tears splash on the pages. Let it all out. And this, my dear friend, will allow the room for the healing and the strength and the return of joy a measure at a time.

xo Rella; February 7, 2008 at 5:48 AM
Bethany said...: Nita,
I am holding you and Elizabeth with my heart. I am sooo sorry and wish I was closer in distance to you to give you a hug.
The time you had with John was a blessing...but you were a blessing to him and his life also, dear lady. Nothing could ever take away the love you had for each other...no time or space could ever seperate the bond you had. You will be his forever and he will be yours. The Lord has John safe and with restored health close by his side til oneday you will see each other again.
Your being strong for Elizabeth is very kind but remember to allow yourself to grieve too....as you turn over each piece of saddness and loss and disappointment the faithful healing hand of Christ will fill up that emptiness in your heart with his peace.
He is holding John safely for a time but you WILL be together again one day in glory forever more!
I have been thinking of Casting Crowns "I will praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands For you are who you are no matter where I am
Every tear I've cried you hold in your hand You never left my said and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm"
Love xxxooo; February 7, 2008 at 5:58 AM
paru's_circle said...: Dear Nita
havent visited your blog in many months, just read on another blog. I would like to offer my sincere condolences on the demise of your dear husband.; February 7, 2008 at 6:23 AM
Rach said...: Hi Nita,

I wanted to check-in on you and let you know I'm still thinking about you and praying for you and your family.

I'm so so sorry for you loss.; February 7, 2008 at 6:26 AM
Donna said...: Checking in on you, little love. Sending SO much love to you all..and light...(((hug))); February 7, 2008 at 6:34 AM
The Feathered Nest said...: Dear Nita, I don't know what to say to ease the hurt you must be feeling right now. You're such a sweet sweet person. I've been praying for many blessings to shower down on you, you need good to happen. I do know this though. John has a new body now. He is running and loving Heaven as he is free from his old body. I know this doesn't help the hurt in your heart, you will be together again....much love and hugs to you. Keep blogging, sharing your feelings, pouring them out to heal. praying for you, Dawn; February 7, 2008 at 7:09 AM
Stacy/Creativemuse said...: Nita,
I am so sorry for your grievous loss of your soul mate. What a wonderful person to touch your life and your childrens. Keep Loving him Keep thinking about all his good keep telling stories about him (to your children) it will keep his spirit alive..he is still with you as he is also in heaven...You have angels around you to ask for thier help and how to see thier help....Doreen Virtue is a wonderful author..you may enjoy and recv compfort from.
Love and Healing
Warmly
Stacy~Creativemuse; February 7, 2008 at 7:28 AM
Laurie in Ca. said...: Dear Nita,

It hurts my heart to know how empty and in pain you feel right now. I am so sorry that there are no words that can help. Nobody's love is ever perfect, but in love we accept each other and become one. I am praying that you feel Gods arms as He carries you close to His heart, and breathing for you until you can catch your breath. You and Elizabeth are in my daily prayers.

Love and Hugs and Hope,
Laurie in Ca.; February 7, 2008 at 7:32 AM
Susan @ Blackberry Creek said...: God bless you, sweetie. I pray for God's comfort on you. I wish I could take the pain away, but only God and time can do that. Bless you, Nita.; February 7, 2008 at 7:37 AM
Mary said...: Nitka,

My heart aches for you. I know how it feels to lose a huband. I lost my first husband when I was in my 20s. He was my best friend.

Take time to grieve, my friend and don't be afraid to cry. Tears heal.

I am praying for you and your family that God will give you the strength to get through this difficult time.

Blessings,
Mary; February 7, 2008 at 8:18 AM
calamitykim said...: my heart goes out to you.
there are no words
it hurts
my mom is very sick - she is 82 and I am leaving tomorrow to go spend some time with her and my Dad. I just came by to say hello- now I am so sad with you. I have been struggling with how I will deal with losing my parents and I am so afraid. afraid and scared of how deeply it will hurt me. Its all I think about. nothing else matters. it all pales. The loss is a hard burden. I lost a son 21 years ago and it took me at least 15 years to really deal with it. I will say a prayer for you, Nita, and your family. be brave. have courage. mend your heart. cocoon yourself in all our kind and compassionate wishes.xxxooo calamity kim; February 7, 2008 at 8:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Nita,
Though I can't possibly understand the depths of your pain and loss, my heart does ache with you. I am asking the Lord to surround you with His love and comfort today. Grieving is such a personal thing...you just take the time and tears you need. The Lord will hold you all the while.
I am reminded of a song on Alan Jackson's gospel CD...some of the words are:
"I want to stroll over heaven with you some glad day when all our troubles and heartaches are vanished away. Then we'll enjoy the beauty where all things are new. I want to stroll over heaven with you."
This is a sweet reminder that one day you and John will be taking amazing walks together again. In the meantime, he is already there taking note of the things he wants to point out to you!
Cherish the sweet memories, but also stand fast in the assurance that John is safe, warm and completely healed.
May you be blessed today.
~Jan sharingencouragement.wordpress.com; February 7, 2008 at 8:42 AM
PixieDust said...: Dearest Nita,

Since we've become friends I always keep you and your sweet heart in mind... now I'm keeping you and your family close in thoughts and prayers... you will go through this but it is not a race, take your time, and let your tears fall when they need to...

Love to you,
(((HUGS))),
Me; February 7, 2008 at 8:45 AM
kimberly said...: thinking of you and praying for you to feel God's comfort.....hugs and prayers,
kimberly; February 7, 2008 at 9:42 AM
couragetocreatewriteandlove said...: That's ok sweet friend, cry and know that we are thinking of you and trust in your courage and beautiful soul to overcome anything, including this pain. You are indeed Beautiful in and out!; February 7, 2008 at 10:00 AM
No one is you ...& that's your power said...: Hi Nita,
You are deep in my thoughts along with your family. I wish i could give you a big hug and make you feel a little better
x Dominique; February 7, 2008 at 10:18 AM
Dena said...: Dearest Nita,

You are in my thoughts at every moment and I am praying for you and Elizabeth. I know that there are no words strong enough to heal your hurt, but just know that you are so very loved. God will bring you through this, just lean on him.

Love,
Dena; February 7, 2008 at 11:06 AM
Amy said...: Nita,
I saw you had over 200 comments on your last post. What a testament to the love that we all feel for you at this time. You have so many people praying for you and your family and for John's passage to heaven.
You have many wonderful memories that have shaped you that are directly connected to John and his Earthly body (whole and broken). Please try to take comfort in the fact that he is surely walking...WALKING with our Lord and will never cease to watch over you and be with you in spirit. John has made you such a stronger human!!!!!! He was so lucky to have the wonderful years and love with you, too.
You did a great job being strong these past months Nita, and no one could have done any of it any more perfect than you. Take time to cry, my friend.
Amy; February 7, 2008 at 1:46 PM
Lori Garbarino said...: Oh Nita, My heart hurts for you, I don't personally know what you are going thru but I feel your pain, I can hear it in your words. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. You are in my prayers!

Lori Garbarino; February 7, 2008 at 2:07 PM
Sondra said...: I am crying with you, as I would be at a loss in trying to accomplish the vision we have for our family without my darling. I love you already, even though I'm just gettin' to know you since this tragedy occurred. GOD BLESS YOU! (((((HUGS))))) sandi~prayers continue to go up!; February 7, 2008 at 2:19 PM
Angela said...: I feel such a heart ache for you. Please lean on Elizabeth a bit. It will help her deal with her grief by helping you too. She is young, but she is not a lil girl now. Let her feel your pain so she knows it is ok to feel her own. John is inside your heart and death cannot steal that from you. These are just my thoughts. Hugs to you.; February 7, 2008 at 4:16 PM
Laurie in Ca. said...: I am just checking back in this afternoon as you are so heavy in my thoughts and heart today. You mentioned needing to be strong for Elizabeth and I can understand a mother's heart for her children. You have been so strong since before Johns accident and through all of this time. I am asking God to show you and Elizabeth how to draw strength from each other and from Him. Mother each other in this time, I know it will draw you even closer. And let the tears flow, and flow. You are so loved by many and being lifted up to Him.

Love, Laurie in Ca.; February 7, 2008 at 4:30 PM
Simply Shelley said...: Hello Dear Nita, bless your heart!This must be so hard for you and your family. I have been praying for God to give you much strength and bring comfort from his Holy Spirit.
I pray you will have peace and will try and find happiness in the loving memories of John.
Just know you have so many friends in blog land who are holding you up in prayer and we are all here for you. I really admire you so much. You are such a strong woman and have such a amazing faith in God. God bless you dear Nita.

Blessings,Shelley; February 7, 2008 at 6:03 PM
My Vintage Studio said...: I have read so many blogs with posting about your pain and the pasting of your husband.

You are in my prayers.

Sharon
My Vintage Studio; February 7, 2008 at 6:18 PM
Unknown said...: Nita, I'm so sorry for the way you are hurting right now. But John isn't feeling cold. God's and the angels' arms are around him now keeping him nice and warm. Wish I could give you a hug! You'll be in my prayers.
Jill; February 7, 2008 at 6:28 PM
Anonymous said...: I am soo sorry for your loss and will be thinking about you and your family.; February 7, 2008 at 7:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Nita,

All of us here will be your breathe when you cannot breath...we will hold you when you cannot stand up...we can listen...and listen (again)....to all your stories...your heart ache...we will wipe your tears....cry with you...hug you....sit with you...we love you....and we are all with you right at this moment...xx; February 7, 2008 at 10:51 PM
ukok said...: I am so sorry for your loss. May the Lord give you and your family comfort and peace at this difficult time.; February 8, 2008 at 8:26 AM
Jann said...: My heart is breaking for you and for your daughter. I will keep you in my prayers.; February 8, 2008 at 10:56 AM
kathyann said...: Just wanted to come over and give you a (((Hug)))and let you know you among friends who are thinking of you and are praying for you and your family,Take care Nita,Love from Kathyann and the girls; February 8, 2008 at 6:27 PM
Unknown said...: Dear Nita,
I am having a difficult time finding words to tell you how sorry I am. Please read my post on my blog and know that I mean it from the bottom of my heart. May you be comforted by all our prayers.
Love, Sharon

http://e14studio.blogspot.com/2008/02/for-nita.html; February 9, 2008 at 11:13 AM