Change...

I am responsible for my own actions and my own life.

Responsible in Websters dictionary is defined as this:
able to choose for oneself between right and wrong.

I wrote a post last night that I wasn't pleased with after I read it. I didn't own up to my part of the story. I want to do that now.

My post was about how I am going to lose weight this year.
I have tried for 18 years unsuccessfully to do this. I've been on every diet you can imagine and failed for many reasons.

I have always read that behind every weight problem is an emotional issue. I have to agree with that.
Also, before I write anything else, I have made poor choices with what I have eaten many times. I have a terrible sweet tooth. I crave sugar, and many times that is what my downfall is. I may eat healthy all day long and then blow it by eating to many sweets.
Or eat the extra piece of bread at dinner. Or nibble while preparing dinner.
To change a habit or lifestyle we must be completely honest with ourselves, or we will not change. Whatever the habit.

I remember many times skipping breakfast and lunch and then overeating at supper. I have also choose the wrong food when we have went out to eat. I could have chosen healthier food.
I accept my guilt over that.

But, I am going to change this year. I am tired of climbing stairs and being out of breath. I am tired of going to pick out clothes and being disgusted with the horrible selection.

I want to walk in a marathon. I want to not be embarrassed in a swimming suit. I want to see my grand baby raised. I want to be healthy. I want to be a good example for Elizabeth.

Looking back over my life I can see a pattern of when I first began to gain weight. I had seen a brutal rape at the age of 8. I began to gain weight after that.
I lost weight during my teen years and was quite slender. I gained weight after I quit smoking, and then a few months later became pregnant with Elizabeth.
Then, I had a very cruel woman call me and tell me things about my husband while I was pregnant with Elizabeth that devastated me. I lost my confidence at that time.
She knew that I had low self confidence in my looks already, and played on it.
But, ultimately we have to choose to change. We choose to be defeated, or fight our way out of our misery. Sometimes it takes us a long time to choose to fight. We may be so broken in our spirit that we don't have the will to fight. I read a quote once that inspired me greatly, it is : The only way to win is never, never give up.
It is simple. Don't Quit trying.

For all the years that I have tried to conquer my weight, I have never gave up, I may have been thrown off course, but I always get up and try again.

I like myself as a person. I just don't like how I have let myself become heavy. I want the control over my body back. I want to feel good about my body again. I hesitated to share this because it is painful.
But I thought there has to be other people who are going through this too. I am joining Weight Watchers this week with my sister Jamie and Elizabeth and our friend Anne.

I am ready to change..

I want to encourage anybody else who has not been able to lose weight, you can do it. We can do it.
~Nita~

today's song, she will be loved by maroon 5
1st clip