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Saturday, May 17, 2008

I Don't Know How to Let You Go....

What ravages of spirit conjure this tempestuous rage...



Fate has lead me through it... You do what you have to do.

But I have a sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go....

I try to escape this desire... The yearning to be near you...I do what I have to do.

I don't know how to let you go...
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul... I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire...this yearning to be near you...I do what I have to do.

But I have a sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go..

A glowing ember burning hot burning slow...
Deep within me I'm shaken by the violence of existing only for you...

Sarah McLaughlin


This is how I feel about John... Today is rough. Thoughts of him have just been running through my mind all day.

Thoughts of him come to me at the worst possible times. Driving down the street, while at the store, doing the dishes, and mopping the floors.

The loneliest part of the day is every hour without him....

Knowing he will not be here again is a burden almost too great to bear.

But he is gone and I am here...

Days seem to be getting easier than I have the rug pulled out from beneath me. Just little things that seem to haunt me. Finding a shirt of his in my closet. Finding notes he wrote and hid in the house for me to find...

~Nita~

John loved Snowball bushes... He would have loved this one.

Today's song, Do What You Have to Do by Sarah McLaughlin

1st video, 1st clip

12 comments:

Annette said...

O sweet Nita,
I believe he's with you in spirit and always will be, there are some days I miss my step Dad so much, more so on some days, he raised me and that was dad to me, and when I think about him like you do your John, I believe its their way of saying hello and to let us know they are with us, I talk alot to my dad as if he was sitting in the room with me, call me crazy, but it's fine to do, I was told, it helps me, you will never get over your John not being here in this physical world, but it does get easier, I've had to let go, so my dad can be happy where he's at, but I catch myself chatting with him on certain days...Have a great day with all your memories you have made with him. Hug's to you.
Annette

Donna said...

That snowball is gorgeous!! Your flowers are Always So Pretty!! How's that garden coming along? I know you've been busy!!! How's your Dad??hughugs

Mimi said...

just keep doing what you are doing...and you will get through this lonely, heartbreaking, time.
I love the snowball bush and you are right John would have loved it...
{{Praying my friend}}
Mimi

A bird in the hand said...

You do what you have to do, one moment at a time. All of this is natural, and I'm glad to hear you're not stifling the feelings; time will take the edge off the pain, I promise.

Love, Colette

Debbie in NC said...

Video made ME cry! Before I read this, I just felt a breeze come thru the window...I looked up and said I love you too Mom!

((Nita)) I am praying time will heal your deep sorrow and know that John is still with you and in your heart...

Laurie said...

Loving and Praying you through today Nita. I am so sorry for your hurting heart that seems to never rest from the pain of loss and the heavy burden of change. Please know I think of you all the time as I work in my gardens, and ask God to bless you. I love you Nita.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

dabrah said...

Nita, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time today. I hope you'll feel a bit better soon.

I just came by to tell you that I changed the date of the photo challenge from the 23rd to the 30th of May, to give everyone more time to get their pictures taken. Donna has written down the rules, so I copied them over to my blog.

Donna said...

I have been reading about your emotional journey this afternoon and my heart breaks for you. Our loved ones are always with us because we are forever changed.

Vickie said...

Nita, I'm so sorry that this sorrow is so big. Losing a husband or wife leaves such a hole for those left behing. Having the courage to live on must hurt so. I truly believe as the days pass the pain won't be so intense but really, it hasn't been that long since you've lost John, so it will take time. Keep taking the photos and sharing your thoughts with us. My prayers continue to be with you!

Hugs,
Vickie

Treasure Barn said...

The photo is so pretty. You have a really good camera.

Time will heal these wounds Nita. It is just still so fresh. Feel his spirit, read his notes, hold the shirt close to you. He is there Nita. The only way he can be now.

I pray for you every night Nita. I wish you a very happy Sunday.
Hugs
Patti

Nonnie said...

love your picture, nita.....and your words make me hurt for you....you are in my thoughts and prayers...always.
hugs,
kimberly

Frances said...

He is a part of you, Nita. I grieve for you and admire how you can remain so positive even in these tough hours. The pain will ease as everyone says - but your loss is huge and healing will be slow. Hang in there and try to use the missing moments as moments of happy memory, after all, you are missing him because you were great together. You had good times and happiness. Try to focus on that so as not to feel too desperate.

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I love beauty, whether it is in nature, literature or art. And I love music... My day feels incomplete if I haven't had a chance to listen to some good music.. I also love beautiful souls, and kind hearts.

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“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
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