Searching....

These are the pictures I took today.

{Please click on them for a better view.}

You see the shack at the top? I found it in the woods several miles away from my house.

My heart skips a beat every time I see it. I want to go and open the door to this little house and find out its secrets. I want to find a small box under a loose floorboard full of love letters belonging to its previous owner. I want to find remnants of a life I never knew. Maybe a picture in a heart shaped frame, sitting on the small end table with a tea cup that was left behind, stained from rose tea.. The end table would sit next to an empty iron bed that used to be a shelter for the two lovers.

It would be a great little hide out from the world for a while.

I would go there and read my books and think and write.

These 3 Mourning Doves were outside my window on a low branch this afternoon cooing. Did you know Mourning Doves are a symbol of enduring love? If you click on the picture of these Doves the first two look like ghost birds... Surreal isn't it?

I got the hawk out in the country, but my camera wouldn't come on soon enough and I barely got a picture of it. But the clouds were majestic today rolling across the sky.

Trees fascinate me. They are all so different. I love the broken one.

I also love the wavy limbs of this tree.

And the dark tree in the field has always been my favorite tree since I was a little girl.

I have always stopped just to look at it, and to admire its strength. It had a huge limb that broke off of it last year that marred its beauty... But in the Summer its leaves cover its brokenness. The brokenness is still there just hidden. It is still beautiful to me.

Tonight's song is The Sweetest Girl By Wyclef Jean . He also has several other talented singers who join him in this song.

I love this song. It makes me think..

The words of this song say alot and so does the video..

It is the 1st video and the 2nd song

I will have pictures of the jewelry I am making by Monday.

I want to leave everyone with a parting thought from Sue Monk Kidd's new book, FirstLight Early Inspirational Writings

She writes in this passage, Discovering our personal stories is a spiritual quest. Without such stories we cannot be fully human, for without them we unable to articulate or even understand our deepest experiences.

~ Nita~

I can't predict when one goes from feeling immense sorrow, to not feeling immense sorrow...

Because I have been blindsided. I found this singer on the radio yesterday and he sang how I felt. If you have time please listen to this song. Blindsided by Bon Ivers.

There is a line in in it that says, " I am crippled and slow...
I feel that way.

" My heart has suffered a terrible blow."

I've received a few well meaning e-mails about getting over grief. I don't think anyone has tried to hurt me. But I am not ready to be over this yet.

It has only been a month since John's death.

I'm bathing, cooking, cleaning, paying bills. I am there for Elizabeth and my boys.

But there is a time for grieving.

I search for hope everyday.. But I have lost my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my husband.

I will never be kissed by him again. I will never make love to him again.

When my sister-in-law lost my brother it took a long time for her life to re-turn to a somewhat normal existence.

I am trying my hardest ....

~nita~

If you click on the menu while playing the song it will take you to other songs by this artist. There is another song he sings that is called,
Skinny Love that is beautiful.

He sings with an aching rawness in this song. It spoke to me in volumes. He shouts some of the words in this song so beautifully. He wants you to feel his passion. His hurt...

The walking wounded is a term I would use to describe myself at this time. It seems like I should have a huge hole where my heart use to be. My brokenness is so devastatingly complete. It seems like I cry when I wake up and cry when I go to bed. Friends I have known my whole life turn when they see me. Ones I have shared bread with...

There is something about sorrow that makes us want to run. To flee before the sorrow touches us. Maybe they don't know what to say, it doesn't matter. I understand. But it still hurts.

I saw a man yesterday when I went out to eat with Mom and Dad (i did not want to go, Mom begged me too.)

I had a bad day that started with a dream about John the night before, and I was just broke up about it. But I went out to eat with them.

The man was sitting alone. His hair was messed up and he did not look the cleanest. He sat in a contraption that he could roll himself around in,because he weighed about 500 pounds.

My heart broke for him. I felt anger rise up in me as people walked past him and cast disgusted looks his way. I just wanted to shout at them, " Do you know his story?"

We were seated several booths away from him but I could see him clearly from where I sat. There was a rambunctious table next to him and when they would laugh at each other's jokes, a huge smile would cross his face.

I thought I was alone until I saw that man. He was truly alone and I felt it.

He sat and read the paper while he ate, occasionally smiling to himself at other people's conversations.

It was his birthday. And several waitresses that he knew came over and sang happy birthday to him.

I had a lump in my throat that wouldn't go down. It was this man's birthday and he was completely alone. I felt this overwhelming sadness for him.

On the way out I stopped and introduced myself and wished him a happy birthday. I talked to him a few minutes and he was just so grateful. He told me his family was all dead. He was the last one. But he was a Christan and looked forward to being with his family in Heaven.

Sometimes in our brokenness it helps to reach out to someone else in their brokenness.

~Nita~

Song, The Blower's Daughter
by Damien Rice
1st video, 1st song

This song is so hauntingly beautiful...It reminds me of John.
My hair use to be that long and John loved it. I may grow it again..

Mosaic Material...

Blogger would only let me upload this many images. I am so darn mad .

I had many more pictures I wanted to upload. These are some of the plates Mom gave me recently for my Mosaics. I love the patina of these.

And the roses..

I made a bracelet tonight for Elizabeth and I will try to get those photos on, along with the some of my other treasures I have received lately by tomorrow.

I enjoyed making the bracelet. I had a friend send me some money to use for whatever I wanted to. So I bought beads and a kit for making jewelry.

We have a really nice bead store here that specializes in jewelry making.

I went in yesterday and a nice lady taught me how to put the lobster clasp on the bracelet and the ring that you fasten it to.

I love taking the beads and arranging them until something beautiful appears. They have these little prayer boxes that you put a prayer in and leave it. It is a charm you can put on your bracelet.

I am just trying to keep my mind busy. I wake up thinking of John and go to bed thinking of him. Tonight we went to Mom's and watched Flicka

with her. I was OK until the end of the movie and that song Tim McGraw sings came on. My Little Girl. I cried so hard. It made me think of him so much. It just feels like my heart is breaking.

John use to cry when he heard that song. He always called Elizabeth his baby girl. He said he would always see her as his baby, like I do.

I miss talking to him so much. I miss his advice. So many things haunt me. How I wish I could go back in time and not let him leave for work that day. But we can't go back .

~nita~

Song, My Little Girl by Tim McGraw

1st video, 1st clip

Ice Storm...

{Click on pictures for better view} These 2 pictures look like one picture but they aren't.

I was going to post pictures of some old plates my Mom gave me for some Mosaic work I plan on doing , and some old pieces of broken costume jewelry I have received lately to re-make into jewelry. But I had to post these pictures of the ice storm. This is what it looked like this morning. But astonishingly it was completely melted by this afternoon. I wanted to take pictures of the after effects of the storm this afternoon, but had to do errands. We had Ameren trucks everywhere cutting trees down.

This first picture is Mom's front yard.

The second Crows and Starlings. I thought it was funny the way they were situated. It almost looks like this Crow is bawling the Starlings out for being in the feeder the same time as him. The other Crow is turned away like he is embarrassed at the rude behavior of his cohort. Me and Elizabeth laughed at this scene.

I got the female Cardinal and the male Cardinal almost in the same area. I loved the way I got her with her wing open.
This is the limb that almost did me in. Grrr.

I thought the buds on the frozen limb were pretty, and I liked the way it looked.

I love the Crow's yellow eyes.

John made the bottom of the bird feeder out of a cedar tree, and the top out of an old plastic bucket.

Thought for day:

Learning to live in

the present moment

is part of

the path of joy.

Sarah Ban Breathnach

Today's song, The Circle Game by Joni Mitchell

1st video and 2nd clip

This song has special meaning to me. It was one of my brother's favorite songs and mine as well.

It talks about the truly important things in life. If you have time please listen to it. She is one of my all time favorite singers. I love her voice because it is not perfect, and I love her spirit. She just seems like an innocent soul.